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1 1 9 & 121 West 23d Street, New York. 


A PEDIGREE IN PAWN. 


In the New York Times, “ Saturday Review of Books and 
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Cloth Bound, $1.25. 



G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers, 

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A CHEQUE 

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Press. 

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max." — Boston Beacon. 

“ One of the most amusing stories we have read for 
a long while." — Boston Times. 

“ It will be mentioned many a time by one who reads 
it when he wants to relate something novel and odd 
among his friends.” — Toledo Blade. 

“ Plenty of fun of a good clean order, with life and 
vivacity enough to draw a recluse out of his cell." — St. 
Louis Despatch. 

“ It fulfills Mr. Crawford’s requirement that a novel 
should be a little pocket theatre. The pages effervesce 
with life and good spirits.” — Clara Louise Burnham, 
author of “ Next Door ,” etc., etc. 

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CLOTH BOUND. PRICE $1.00. 

G. W. DILLINGHAM CO. 

Publisher N. Y- 


HATS OFF! 


by y 

ARTHUR HENRY VEYSEY 


AUTHOR OF 

A Cheque for Three Thousand,” “ A Pedigree 
in Pawn,” “ The Two White Elephants.” 



NEW YORK: 

G. W> Dillingham Co., Publishers . 


MDCGCXCIX. 



& 0EUVf * f G* 

^ ML 201898 

O' afeontfgS? 



38486 

Copyright 1899, by 
G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY. 

[All rights restrved .] 


TWOOOfMt* *&C€IVED. 



'BloO \T\ 

A\OlkJ 


CONTENTS. 


Chapter Page 

I. Two Queens and a Prince . . 7 

II. Where’s the Envoy ? . . .18 

III. The Purser as Substitute . . .32 

IV. Weighed and Found Wanting . .42 

V. The Super Captain is Appealed to .51 

VI. Augustus Higgins, Super No. 5 . .60 

VII. Higgins Becomes M. Montmorencey . 72 

VIII. Hats Off to the Envoy ! . . .92 

IX. The Envoy Cries for More . . .109 

X. The Vice- Queen is Inquisitive . .120 

XI. The Envoy is Indiscreet . . .130 

XII. The Knighting of Higgins . . .150 


[ 5 ] 


6 


CONTENTS. 


Chapter Page 

XIII. The Reporter Does Stunts . . .159 

XIV. The Turkish Minister Salaams . .175 

XV. Where’s the Dress- Suit of Isaacs ? .183 

XVI. Two Meddling Vice-Queens . .190 

XVII. Farewell to the Glitter of Royalty . 199 

XVIII. Higgins Stands by the Queen . .209 


HATS OFF! 


CHAPTER I. 

TWO QUEENS AND A PRINCE. 

On the morning of March io, 1895, the Plain, 
Everyday New Yorker read in his morning paper that 
on the night previous several hundred solid and ap- 
parently sane citizens of the metropolis had in spirit, 
at least, forsaken the Constitution and Declaration of 
Independence of these United States of America. 

They had dressed themselves up in court-breeches 
and swords. They had sanctioned by their presence 
the erection of a throne in the ball-room of the Hotel 
Rotterdam. They had winked complacently at the 
placing of a female personage on said throne, and a 

[ 7 ] 


a 


HATS OFF! 


crown of gilt and plush upon the head of said person-* 
age. They had even bent an obsequious and reverent 
knee to the same said personage, and (the spirit of 
Washington defend us !), they had taken an oath of 
solemn allegiance to her as their queen. 

When the Plain, Everyday New Yorker read this 
startling piece of intelligence, he laid his newspaper 
on the table-cloth, puffed out his cheeks, stared fero- 
ciously at his better half, and demanded her instant 
answer whether the Republic was going to the devil 
or to the insane asylum. 

Was it the entering wedge of royalty ? Was it one 
of the dangerous signs of the times ? What did it all 
mean ? demanded the Plain, Everyday New Yorker, 
thumping his fist on the table, and making the baby 
cry. 

Soothing editorials had calmed his perturbed and 
anxious spirit. It meant very little indeed, replied the 
soothing editorials. Simply that Miss Belinda Van 
Winkle had been duly exalted head of a society or- 
ganization known as the Van Winkle Dames, each of 
whom could boast a long line of blue-blooded ances- 


TWO QUEENS AND A PRINCE. 


9 

tors in the land of the water dykes. Only instead of 
electing Miss Van Winkle by ballot — a very common- 
place and rather vulgar method, it will be readily 
conceded by the unprejudiced mind — they had tried 
to be picturesque and original by crowning her queen. 
Miss Van Winkle had supplied the brocades and 
Catherine de Medici ruffs for the ladies, and court 
breeches and swords for the gentlemen. She had 
likewise imported a brand new scepter and crown. 
She had spent several hundred dollars for a suite of 
rooms and a ball-room in the Hotel Rotterdam. With 
these accessories, it was a very simple matter for the 
Van Winke Dames to put the crown on her head and 
the scepter in her right hand. And everybody agreed 
that this was much more interesting than a humdrum 
affair of the ballot-box. Especially for Miss Belinda 
Van Winkle. 

When the Plain, Everyday New Yorker read this 
satisfactory explanation, he comforted himself with 
the assurance that the majority of the people in the 
world were idiots, and the reflection that the ceremony 
set money in circulation. He felt that it was hardly 


10 


HATS OFF ! 


worth while writing to the papers about. He thanked 
his stars that he at least had a little common-sense, 
chucked the baby under the chin until it crowed, 
kissed his better half until she smiled, and turned his 
ponderous mind to the more weighty matters of the 
day. 

Every one, however, who has the slightest preten- 
sions to a knowledge of natural philosophy knows that 
a tiny pebble may cause a very large ripple. The 
coronation of Queen Belinda Van Winkle was no ex- 
ception to this law of natural philosophy. Because the 
correspondents of Paris newspapers quite overesti- 
mated the political importance of the affair. They en- 
tirely misunderstood its purport. So that flaring 
headlines appeared in all Paris newspapers., declaring 
that the republican institutions of the United States 
were tottering. A Queen had been declared by a little 
band of devoted royalists and admirers. They had 
smuggled an old throne through the custom-house. 
A royalist of the feminine gender had likewise smug- 
gled in a scepter and crown by hiding them in her 
petticoats. Then, before any one could summon 


TWO QUEENS AND A PRINCE. 


II 


enough presence of mind to interfere, they had in- 
stalled upon the throne a lady of royal ancestry. They 
had rapturously declared her queen. 

Prince Geoffrey de La Fleur was an impractical old 
imbecile, who spent most of his days and nights dream- 
ing dreams and seeing visions in the library of his 
house in Paris. He wept maudlin tears that the white 
flower of chivalry and knighthood was no longer 
prized as of old. He spent his days and his nights 
poring over the fairy tales of tourney and court. 

Now it happened one day that a copy of Froissart’s 
“ Chronicles,” with a lot of interesting pictures in it, 
had come from his bookseller’s. And as the old prince 
untied the string, the flaring headline of one of the 
newspapers that had contained the startling news of 
Queen Van Winkle’s coronation met his eye. 

“La Reine Van Winkle est Couronnee en les Etats Unis 
d’Amerique! 

“ Revolution! 

“ Furore Extraordinaire! ” 

Much more than the Plain, Everyday New Yorker, 
was the Prince astonished, and he was frenzied with 


12 


HATS OFF! 


joy. Out there in the wild wilderness of pork-packefS 
and shopkeepers bloomed a rare flower — the delicate 
soul of a real queen. It is true that she had been 
crowned in March, and it was September now. No 
doubt she had been dethroned, or he would have 
heard more of her. But even now she might be 
reigning in an obscure corner of the great continent 
— in Canada, Vera Cruz, or perhaps in Boston, still 
devotedly surrounded by the little band of royalists. 
“ And even if you are no longer Queen,” mournfully 
mused the Prince, “ you have attempted noble things, 
Queen Van Winkle. You have scorned the pork- 
packing tribe of unwashed Democrats. You have led 
the way back to pomp and glitter. Queen Van 
Winkle, I kiss your hand, I, the great Geoffrey de 
La Fleur, the last of his house ! ” 

One night it chanced that as the Prince lay sleep- 
less in his four-posted bed of state, his eyes followed 
the circle of tattered and moth-eaten bannerets that 
hung around the walls of his chamber, until his gaze 
rested on the jeweled setting of the Order of St. 
Martha. 


TWO QUEENS AND A PRINCE. 


13 


The Order of St. Martha was the chiefest glory of 
his house. It had been founded in the twelfth cen- 
tury. It had been worn by emperors. It had been 
coveted by queens. Queens, in faith ! Queens, did 
he say ? Prince Geoffrey de la Fleur leaped out of 
his four-posted bed, struck by the splendor of a sud- 
den thought. He stood trembling before the jeweled 
Order as it shone on the wall in the light of the moon. 
Queens had coveted it. Queens had worn it. Aye, 
and should wear it again ! The anniversary of the 
coronation of that American Queen was drawing 
nigh. It should be gloriously celebrated. She should 
know that one other great soul appreciated her. 

So the Prince, while yet in his pajamas, seated him- 
self before two lighted wax tapers on his writing desk, 
and began to indite an epistle to the Queen. He ac- 
quainted her with the unusual honor he would do her. 
On the anniversary of her coronation, he, the great 
Prince Geoffrey, would confer upon her the glorious 
and resplendent Order of St. Martha. If his lumbago 
was not too troublesome, he would make the journey 
to America himself. In case the lumbago was too 


14 - HATS QFF y 

A J 

troublesome, he would send the decoration in the 
charge of an envoy extraordinary. 

But when he had written this letter, and had put it 
into an envelope, and had picked up a pen to address 
the envelope, the Prince scratched his ear perplexedly. 
He had actually forgotten the name of the Queen ! 
The newspaper had long ago been lost or destroyed. 
He knew no person to whom he could write for in- 
formation. But the Prince was not to be daunted in 
his purpose. He did not know the name of the Queen, 
it is true. He was not absolutely certain of the name 
of the society over which she ruled. But he did know 
that the society had something to do with Holland. 
He therefore addressed the envelope with a trembling 
hand in this fashion: 

“ A La Reine de Deutsches Fraus, Etats Unis 
d’Amerique.” 

Then the Prince blew out his wax tapers, and crept 
back to bed again, well satisfied with himself. 

And so when, in due time, this epistle reached 
America, it was delivered, not to Queen Belinda Van 
Winkle of the Van Winkle Dames (who was, indeed, 


TWO QUEENS AND A PRINCE. 


15 


traveling abroad just then), but to Queen Angelica 
Saunders, of the rival organization, the Dutch Fraus. 

It is to be feared that Queen Angelica knew only 
too well that she had absolutely no right to the letter 
which had thus accidentally fallen into her hands. But 
this knowledge she kept locked up in her own breast. 
She had fought her way to the head of the Dutch Fraus 
only after bitter opposition. Especially had she been 
harassed by the machinations of the Vice-Queen. 
She felt that she had to silence all opposition by a splen- 
did coup d'etat. The offer of Prince Geoffrey de la 
Fleur to confer the Order of St. Martha came at the 
very nick of time. She was confident enough that she 
could successfully hoodwink the Prince as to her iden- 
tity. So she answered his letter artfully, diplomatic- 
ally. And the Prince, not dreaming of guile, informed 
her that in due time the Order would arrive. 

Thus it came to pass that Queen Van Winkle, gath- 
ering hints in European capitals on the latest things 
in crowns and court etiquette, was boldly robbed of 
her birthright by crafty Queen Angelica of the Dutch 
Fraus. 


1 6 


HATS OFF! 


As the day drew near on which Queen Angelica 
was to receive the Prince’s decoration, preparations 
of the greatest magnitude and expense were made by 
the bold feminine usurper of princely honors. 

Every member of the Dutch Fraus was taxed 
twenty-five dollars to help defray the cost of the cere- 
mony. A certain minority of the society, indeed, led 
by the jealous Vice-Queen, murmured at the payment 
of a sum sufficient to buy a Paris hat, simply to do 
honor to Queen Angelica. But the majority paid the 
sum willingly enough. They felt that the Prince in 
honoring the Queen was honoring the Dutch Fraus. 
Besides, Queen Angelica and her fiance, Knight Sir 
Roy, set a noble example. They drew heavily and 
recklessly upon their bank accounts. They engaged 
the grand ball-room of the Hotel Rotterdam for the 
ceremony and half a dozen suites of apartments. At 
a fabulous salary Sir Roy enlisted the expert services 
of the cleverest press agent in the theatrical profes- 
sion. There was not a man, woman, or child in the 
City of New York who did not await the evening of 
the ceremony with breathless interest. There was not 


TWO QUEENS AND A PRINCE. 1 7 

a member of the elite directory who would not have 
pawned her latest gown, if the price derived therefrom 
would have procured her the privilege of admission to 
the ceremony. Yes; Queen Angelica was determined 
that the Bradley-Martin ball should no more compare 
with her function in splendor and expense than a dol- 
lar compares with thirty cents. And all the members 
of the Van Winkle Dames ate out their hearts with 
envy. 


CHAPTER II. 


where’s the envoy ? 

The festal day had arrived ! 

Bushels and bushels of flowers had been used in 
decorating the grand ball-room and suite 123, especi- 
ally reserved for the Envoy Extraordinary of Prince 
Geoffrey, whose lumbago had unfortunately proved 
too troublesome for himself to undertake the journey. 
Scores of differently colored electric lights had been 
cunningly arranged among the flowers and tapestries 
of the throne. Columns and columns of personals 
concerning the Prince and the Queen had glutted the 
newspapers. Dozens of modistes had been robbed of 
their sleep, sitting up nights in devising sixteenth cen- 
tury costumes for the invited guests and for the mem- 
bers of the society. 

Everybody in the Hotel Rotterdam had been on 
the run, from the youngest bell-boy to Manager 


where’s the envoy? 


19 


Locke himself, carrying out the behests of the ex- 
cited members. The lords and ladies in waiting, the 
pages and the heralds, the equerries and chancellors 
had been thoroughly rehearsed in their several parts. 
The mob had been coached to cheer the arrival of the 
carriage that was to bring the Envoy Extraordinary 
to the hotel. And now, at five o’clock in the after- 
noon, there was a lull. The Dutch Fraus were lying 
down, trying to get a few winks of refreshing sleep 
for the exacting pleasures of the evening. 

But sleep itself was far from the Queen’s eyes. 

Indeed, she had every reason to feel deeply anxious. 

The decoration of St. Martha had not yet been re- 
ceived. 

The Envoy Extraordinary had not arrived in 
America ! 

No wonder Queen Angelica found it hard work to 
keep up her spirits. 

As a matter of fact the conduct of the Prince had 
been of late perplexingly capricious. Until a few 
weeks ago, his letters had been invariably gracious. 
But suddenly, and most illogically, so it seemed to 


20 


HATS OFF! 


the Queen, his ardor cooled. He had even hinted that 
in view of his absence, the ceremony must necessarily 
lose most of its splendor, and had suggested that the 
conferring of the decoration be postponed until a 
more fitting occasion. 

Queen Angelica vigorously and hysterically com- 
batted this egotistical proposition. She tearfully re- 
counted to him the untold expense to which she had 
been put. She pointed out the ridicule to which she 
would be subjected should he not keep his princely 
word. She appealed to his honor. And when all 
these considerations failed to bring any reply, she had 
recourse to desperate threats. Then the Prince at last 
sulkily yielded. He wrote in the coldest terms that 
the decoration would be forthcoming. It was in- 
trusted to a special messenger on board the Paris. 

But the Paris was one day overdue. It was now 
five o’clock in the afternoon, and she had not yet been 
reported. Not that it would make so very much dif- 
ference if the decoration itself did not arrive until 
afterwards. Queen Angelica was a woman of enough 
resource to hire something from a costumer’s that 


where’s the envoy ? 


21 


would at a pinch answer the purpose sufficiently well. 
It was the delay of the envoy that troubled her 
exceedingly. Because the clever press agent had so 
magnified the estate and importance of the Envoy Ex- 
traordinary that the Prince himself could not have 
awakened more interest and speculation in the breasts 
of the expectant public. 

It was to no purpose that the Queen’s devoted lover, 
Knight Sir Roy, attempted to comfort her. Not even 
the blessed assurance that the ship had at last been 
sighted, and was actually coming up the bay, could 
arouse Queen Angelica from the depression that over- 
whelmed her. 

“ It is no use, Roy,” she said, as she breathed on 
the crown she was polishing ; “ I cannot help my 
forebodings. You know that I am a bold woman, 
and would not hesitate to push aside any obstacle that 
arose in my path. But if that envoy should not ar- 
rive, I could not manufacture one, and I fear that 
my power would be gone. My soul, Roy, is dis- 
traught with fear.” 

“ Yes, I must say that this wouldn’t be much of a 


22 


HATS OFF! 


function without the envoy, 1 ” said Sir Roy gloomily, 
as he watched his sweetheart apply the chamois 
leather vigorously to the gilt of the crown. “ But, 
my dear, you will rub all the gilt off, if you are not 
more gentle, and you may dislodge one of the jewels.” 

“ Well, they are only paste, as you know,” replied 
the Queen crossly. 

“ Nevertheless, my love,” replied Sir Roy, concern- 
edly, “ paste jewels look quite as well by electric light 
as do real Barrios diamonds. A cavity made by the 
loss of one of those paste jewels, my sweet, will be 
quite as glaring as a cavity made by the loss of a more 
expensive article.” 

“ Hush,” whispered the Queen, hiding the crown 
in her bureau drawer. “ That deceitful creature, the 
Vice-Queen, is listening outside, and if she knew that 
these jewels were not real, or if the Envoy Extraor- 
dinary should not come, how she would gloat. She 
would bring things about so that my power would be 
gone forever. I know it. And I hate her.” 

“ How do you like my frock ? ” asked the Vice- 


where’s the envoy ? 


23 


Queen, bursting into the room without the formality 
of a knock at the door. 

“ Very pretty/’ replied the Queen without looking 
at it. “ And I wish, my dear, you would have the 
goodness to knock before you enter my chamber.’' 

“ It is only my way, you know,” replied the Vice- 
Queen ingenuously, as she peeped into the drawer the 
Queen had only half shut. “ Oh, what a love of a 
crown, isn’t it ? I wonder how I should look with 
it on ?” 

She placed the crown saucily on the side of her 
pretty head, and made faces at herself in the pier-glass. 

The Queen frowned at her rival angrily. She knew 
very well that the apparently innocent remark of the 
Vice-Queen was a veiled insult meant to wound her 
to the quick. The Vice-Queen, you see, was plump, 
young, and beautiful. The Queen was forty, angular, 
and not beautiful. 

“ It is time for me to dress,” said the Queen, snatch- 
ing the crown away before the Vice-Queen could ex- 
amine it closely. “ And please, remember,” added the 
Queen, frowning, “ that I happen to wear that crown. 


2 \ HATS OFF! 

I am, therefore, the center of attraction. I must ask 
you, my love, not to push yourself forward so much. 
You have no repose, absolutely none. Especially, I 
must ask you not to bore the Envoy with any ob- 
noxious attentions/’ 

The Vice-Queen made a mock obeisance. “ Cer- 
tainly not, my dear. I will shine only in your re- 
fleeted glory. Besides, how absurd to think that an 
Envoy would take any notice of poor little me when a 
real queen was standing by. But men are so queer 
sometimes, aren’t they ? And if they will flirt with 
you, you can’t help it, can you ? ” 

“ It is time for me to dress,” said the Queen again, 
with an ominous scowl. 

“ Oh, how stupid of me not to think,” answered 
the Vice-Queen, delighted to have caused the scowl. 
She tripped out of the room, the Queen still glaring 
at her. 

“ I should just love to slap that woman,” said 
Queen Angelica with a savage intensity that was emi- 
nently regal. “ You see, Roy, if she doesn’t do her 
very best to fascinate the Envoy. And, oh, if by any 


where’s the envoy? 


2 5 


chance that Envoy shouldn’t come, I know as truly 
as I am holding this crown in my hand that she would 
influence the Dutch Fraus to make me abdicate my 
throne.” 

“ But he will come, dearest,” answered Sir Roy 
cheerfully, as he pulled on his gloves. “ And I am 
going to the dock at this very minute to meet him.” 

“ Heaven grant it ! ” cried the Queen fervently. 

As Knight Sir Roy passed out of the Hotel Rotter- 
dam between bowing, obsequious servants to his car- 
riage, he said to himself, “ It is really very gratifying 
to be engaged to the most talked of woman in New 
York, but if that Prince has gone back on us, and 
hasn’t sent a tip-top envoy with the decoration, I 
shan’t lend Angel another dollar.” 

It was a magnificent equipage in which Sir Roy 
luxuriously settled himself. The horses had rosettes 
of orange, the color of the Dutch Fraus, and purple, 
emblematic of royalty. The liveries of the coachman 
and footman corresponded, so that when the carriage 
stood outside the dock, reporters at once espied it 
and came crowding around Sir Roy. 


26 


HATS OFF! 


With a half a dozen reporters at his elbow, Sir Roy 
watched the people descending the gangway of the 
Paris. He had promised the reporters that they 
should have a nice little interview with the Envoy 
Extraordinary, if they permitted him to be the first 
to greet his honored guest. He looked anxiously for 
some one who should carry his head haughtily as 
would be befitting for an envoy of so powerful and 
aristocratic a personage as Prince Geoffrey de la 
Fleur. But the passengers seemed to be so distress- 
ingly ordinary. They were all so unfeignedly glad to 
get back to America, and they all seemed to know 
exactly what to do and where they wished to go. 
There was not one of them that hesitated. But then 
that was hardly surprising. Of course the Envoy 
Extraordinary would keep to the seclusion of the 
cabin until the common herd were out of the way. 

When all the passengers had descended the gang- 
way, Sir Roy with a beating heart went aboard. He 
asked an officer standing at the cabin, door where he 
could find the Envoy of Prince Geoffrey. 

“ Envoy 1 ” repeated the second officer, staring. 


where’s the envoy? 


27 

“ Of a Prince ! I didn’t know there was one aboard. 
He must have come incog., sir. What’s his name ? ” 

Sir Roy confessed that he did not know the En- 
voy’s name. 

“ Better see the steward,” said the second officer. 

“ No,” said the steward, “ I don’t know of any En- 
voy. Better see the captain, sir.” 

“ Envoy ! Prince ! ” cried the captain, quite as 
much astonished as the rest of the ship’s officers had 
been. “ If he’s been aboard my ship, he’s kept it 
pretty quiet. I haven’t seen or heard anything of 
him.” 

“ But,” cried Sir Roy, his heart sinking, “ some one 
on board of this ship has an important package for 
me.” 

He explained as well as he could the state of affairs 
to the puzzled captain. 

“ See the purser,” advised the captain, when Sir 
Roy had done his best to enlighten the mariner. 
“ People sometimes send knickknacks by him.” 

“ There’s no doubt of it,” thought Sir Roy ruefully 


28 


HATS OFF! 


as he made his way to the purser’s cabin, “ he hasn’t 
come. What in the world will my poor dear do ? ” 

The purser had heard nothing of an Envoy, but he 
confessed that he had a package for a Miss Angelica 
Saunders. But he stubbornly refused to give it to Sir 
Roy, unless the latter had an order in writing from 
Miss Saunders authorizing him to receive it. And 
when Sir Roy said he had no order in writing, the 
purser insisted that he must be identified. 

“ That’s impossible,” cried Sir Roy. “ There’s no 
time for that. The parcel must be up at the Rotter- 
dam in an hour.” 

“ I don’t know but w’at I could come with you, if 
you made it worth my while/’ said the purser. 

“ In that uniform ? ” cried the horrified Sir Roy. 
“ Never ! ” 

“ I don’t see any flies on that uniform, young man,” 
said the purser, hotly. “ And you can’t ’ave this par- 
cel unless you prove your rights to it, or wait till I 
choose to come up to the Rotterdam.” 

Sir Roy was in a terrible quandary. If he returned 
to the hotel with no one in the carriage, the reporters 


where’s the envoy? 


29 


would see at once that the Envoy had not come. 
They were standing on the dock there waiting for him 
to come out. But if the purser went into the carriage 
with that uniform on his broad back, it would be just 
as bad. He stared at the purser helplessly. 

“ I don’t suppose that you have such a thing as a 
frock coat and a silk hat about you, have you, 
purser ? ” he asked nervously. 

“No, I ain’t,” replied the purser, “but the ship’s 
doctor ’as ’em.” 

“ And would you mind borrowing them, and put- 
ting them on to come to the hotel in ? ” begged Sir 
Roy, eagerly. 

“ By no means,” assented the sailorman cheerfully. 
“ But you’ll ’ave to make it worth my while, sir.” 

“ Oh, that’ll be all right,” promised Sir Roy. 
“ Only hurry up.” 

But when the purser returned, attired in the habili- 
ments of the ship’s doctor, he looked so hopelessly 
plebeian and so utterly unlike what even an ordinary 
envoy of any respectability should look like, that Sir 
Roy groaned. 


30 


HATS OFF! 


“ ’Ow do I look ? ” asked the purser complacently, 
stooping so that he could see himself in the mirror of 
a buffet in the dining-saloon. 

The knot of reporters on the dock were impatiently 
awaiting Sir Roy’s coming. A small mob encom- 
passed the carriage. Sir Roy appealed to the purser : 
“ Can’t you manage it that the carriage can drive 
right up to the gangway ? ” he asked. 

“Any one’d think you were hashamed of me,” re- 
marked the purser, sulkily. “ W’at’s the game you’re 
playin’, anyhow ? ” 

“ Now please be sensible,” implored Sir Roy. “ It 
is quite true that I don’t want you to be seen, because 
you are supposed to be some one else. I want to get 
you in that carriage so that none of those reporters 
can see you.” 

“ Oh,” asked the purser with interest, “ am I sup- 
posed to be a ’eavy swell ? ” 

“ A very heavy swell,” answered Sir Roy hurriedly. 
“ And can’t you sneak along with me to the second 
cabin gangway, and send out a sailor to whisper in- 
structions to the coachman that he is to drive to the 


wheke’s the envoy? 


31 

saloon gangway, as if he was waiting for us there. 
But when he gets a signal, he is to drive up to the 
second cabin gangway instead. That’ll fool those re- 
porter fellows.” 

“ Yes, I suppose I can manage that,” agreed the 
purser, reluctantly. “ But I must say if Fm playin' 
a ’eavy swell, it seems to me it’d be more sensible to 
get your money’s worth and let me show my phiz.” 

“ No, no,” cried Sir Roy. “ That is simply impos- 
sible.” 

“ Oh, hall right. I just threw it hout as a sugges- 
tion. But if I’m going to sneak along the promenade 
deck of my own ship and down the gangway in that 
hignominious fashion, it’ll cost you three quid more.’ 

The ruse succeeded very well, much better than Sir 
Roy had dared to hope. He pulled down the blinds, 
and the carriage dashed out on West Street, and the 
reporters had no glimpse of the person within. 

But Sir Roy was wondering what Angelica would 
say when he returned to the hotel in this carriage of 
state with only a sailorman inside, instead of the En- 
voy Extraordinary, 


CHAPTER III. 


THE PURSER AS SUBSTITUTE. 

“ Well/’ asked the purser, sinking back in the 
cushions, and putting his feet on the seat opposite, 
“ what's goin’ to ’appen now ? ” 

“ Nothing, I hope," replied Sir Roy, brushing away 
a dirty mark that the purser’s boots had made on his 
trousers. “ Except that I’m to be identified, and then 
you are to hand over to me that package ! ’’ 

“ Anythin’ to accommodate you, that’s reasonable, 
sir,’’ remarked the purser, lighting a twopenny cigar. 

Sir Roy cast a look of dislike at the sailorman. If 
he had only been not quite so brawny and big, he 
would have been tempted to fling the vulgar and mer- 
cenary creature out of the carriage window. And his 
perplexity and dismay became greater and greater as 
to how he should get the fellow inside the hotel with- 
out attracting undue attention. Sir Roy remembered 

[32] 


THE PURSER AS SUBSTITUTE. 


33 


with a shudder the band of men whom the press agent 
had hired to cheer the arrival of the carriage contain- 
ing the Envoy Extraordinary. Indeed, as they neared 
the Hotel Rotterdam there was a subdued murmur of 
many voices. Sir Roy cautiously lifted the blind. 
Yes; there were the mercenary cheerers, with the 
clever press agent at their head to lead them off in the 
applause. 

Sir Roy groaned in anguish of spirit, and crossly 
jerked back the purser’s head thrust between the 
blind and the window. 

“ ’Ere, ’ere,” cried the sailorman angrily. “ W’at 
yer givin’ us ? ” 

“ Then don’t poke your head out of the window 
like that,” replied Sir Roy just as angrily. 

“ Just keep your ’air on, will you ! ” threatened the 
purser. 

“ Drive round to the back door,” shouted Sir Roy 
to the coachman, “ and if there’s a crowd there, too, 
just keep driving round the block until they go away.” 

As the equipage that was supposed to bring the 
Envoy Extraordinary neared the hotel’s rear entrance, 


34 


HATS OFF! 


the alert press agent had hurriedly led a band of the 
mercenary cheerers thither, and was cheerfully pre- 
pared to give the distinguished guest a vociferous wel- 
come. 

“ Now then, here she comes, boys. Whoop her up 
for all she's worth. One, two, three, altogether — 
what the devil ” 

The press agent and the twenty lusty cheerers were 
staring at the rear of the carriage that had swept like 
a whirlwind by them, and was now tearing around 
the block. And before the bewildered press agent 
and his cohorts had quite recovered from their aston- 
ishment, the horses, having speedily raced around the 
block, were the second time dashing up to the hotel 
door. 

“ They didn’t get enough style on her the first time, 
1 guess, boys. Then put lots of ginger in your cheer- 
ing to make up for that first fluke — hip, hip — by all 
that's reasonable, has the fool coachman lost his 
head ? ” 

Five times these remarkable evolutions were car- 
ried out to the extreme mystification of the crowd 


THE PURSER AS SUBSTITUTE. 35 

that was now gathered around the press agent. Each 
time the press agent and his band opened their 
mouths to cheer vociferously. Each time the carriage 
whirled by them, the faces of the coachman and foot- 
man immovable and set, as if it was quite customa.v 
to drive around blocks a dozen f imes before actual v 
making a stop at the door. 

The fact was, the Knight Sir Roy had quite lost his 
head. Although he was keenly alive to the absurdity 
of the performance, he was so paralyzed with fright 
that he could not summon up enough resolution to 
devise any more sensible plan. If it hadn’t been for 
the purser, the carriage might have driven around 
the block until the driver and his master had been 
arrested and taken to Bellevue to have their sanity 
inquired into. 

But at the seventh turn of the carriage around the 
corner, the purser had taken hold of the lapel of Sir 
Roy’s coat and shaken him violently. 

“ Look ’ere, look ’ere,” cried the sailonnan angrily, 
“ I’ll be ’anged if I’m goin’ to ride in this ’ere merry- 
go-round of yours any longer. I’m gettin’ giddy, I 


36 


HATS OFF! 


“ Nonsense/’ expostulated Sir Roy, his teeth chat- 
tering in his perplexity. “ The idea of a sailor who 
climbs masts and things getting dizzy. Look at me. 
I’m not dizzy.” 

“ I ham lookin’ at you,” replied the sailorman with 
scorn. “ And I’m thinkin’ I’m seein’ a bloomin’, 
blasted hidiot. I’m goin’ to get out, I am.” 

“ No, no, no — not without giving me the package. 
Now do be sensible, there’s a dear, good, kind fellow. 
Just a few more turns. The crowd must get dis- 
couraged after a few more dozen turns.” 

“ Then you’ll ’ave to make it another five quid,” 
threatened the purser. “ And I want to know what 
all this ’ere fuss is about. I’m not going to be mixed 
up with any hidiot hasylums or circuses.” 

And again the purser made a violent pretense at 
opening the door. 

“ Now just sit still, and I’ll make it all perfectly 
clear,” implored Sir Roy. “ Don’t get excited.” 
Then, driven by his desperate strait into making a 
confidant of the purser, he explained, “ You see, that 
package you are holding in your hand contains noth- 
ing less than a jeweled Order.” 


THE PURSER AS SUBSTITUTE. 


3 7 


“ Masonic/' asked the purser with much interest, 
“ or Knights Templars' ? or maybe a dook’s or a 
head’s ? ” 

“ Oh, much grander than any of those,” answered 
the lover of Queen Angelica, with a pardonable pride. 
“ It’s an Order of a prince.” 

“A live prince ? ” echoed the purser, transferring 
the package reverently from hand to hand. 

“ He has sent it to my sister.” 

“ By George ! ” exclaimed the purser, looking at 
Sir Roy with a trifle more respect than he had hitherto 
shown. “ I 'ope I didn't give any offense, sir, with 
w'at I said about circuses and hasylums.” 

“ That's all right,” answered Sir Roy magnani- 
mously. “You didn’t know any better. But, you 
see, that package was supposed to come by an Envoy 
Extraordinary. We've advertised his coming in the 
papers, and I don’t want all those people standing by 
the door there to know he hasn’t come. Do you 
see ? ” 

“ Well,” said the sailorman, “ why should they ? ” 

“ There is no reason at all why they should,” cried 


38 


HATS OFF! 


the delighted Sir Roy, “ if you'll only have a little 
common sense, you know, and give me the package, 
and let me quietly dump you down around the block." 

The purser shook his head. 

“ It can’t be done, sir. If this ’ere parcel is a horder 
of royalty, it’s all the more himportant that I don’t 
take any chances." 

“ Then what is to be done ? ” asked Sir Roy. “ You 
can’t be the Envoy, you know." 

“ Why not ? ’’ asked the purser, with enthusiasm. 
“ Ain’t I pretendin’ to be ’im now ? Just look ’ere.’’ 
He tapped Sir Roy confidentially on the knee. “ This 
’ere parcel ain’t goin’ into the ’ands of hany other 
person than the person wrote on the wrapper, you can 
bet on that. And we can’t keep ridin’ in this merry- 
go-round all night, you know. Well, then, as I’m 
supposed to be the henvoy with the blinds down, let 
me be ’un really with the blinds hup. You can’t do 
no better, sir, depend upon it.’’ 

Sir Roy looked at him doubtfully. As the purser 
said, there seemed to be no better course, risky as it 
would undoubtedly be to pass off the sailorman for 


THE PURSER AS SUBSTITUTE. 


39 

the Envoy. So he shouted at the coachman to stop 
at the rear entrance. 

And when the carriage did at last stop, the fifty 
lusty hired cheerers, led by the press agent, made up 
in volume of sound for their repeated disappoint- 
ments. And at the cheer, the manager and the assist- 
ant manager and the clerks and the reporters and the 
bell-boys and the guests and all of the Dutch Fraus 
who were not trying to get forty winks of sleep, — 
came running to the door and joined heartily in the 
cheer. The equipage drew up with a flourish. The 
fifty cheerers vented all their suspense in one glorious 
roar of welcome. The officials of the hotel made a 
lane on either side of the entrance. The guests and 
the Dutch Fraus stood agog with expectation. Even 
Queen Angelica herself could not restrain her curios- 
ity. She poked her head out of the window, and looked 
with pride on the scene below, although she knew it 
was not exactly a dignified thing for a queen to do. 

The purser was determined to play the heavy swell 
with all his might and main. He was bent upon giv- 
ing satisfaction to his unwilling employer. 


40 


HATS OFF! 


He alighted from the carriage with his broad back 
as stiff as possible ; so stiff, indeed, that Sir Roy ex- 
pected to see the ship doctor's coat rip its seams open 
at every ponderous movement. He carried the pack- 
age containing the order as conspicuously as possible ; 
and when the Queen from the seventh story saw the 
package, she glued her eyes so ravenously upon it, 
that she hardly noticed the extraordinary envoy who 
bore it. 

But in spite of the undeniably haughty expression 
upon the purser’s florid countenance, some of the 
spectators (notably half a dozen envious Van Winkle 
Dames) giggled irreverently at the plenteous crop of 
hair that composed the sailorman’s side-burns. Then 
the fit of his coat was so very questionable. And his 
trousers were so remarkably wide and baggy. As one 
of the bell-boys remarked, “ It may be the style of 
Picadilly or the boolevards, but I has me doubts.” * 

But the purser and Sir Roy made their slow and 
painful way to the elevator, and in due time Sir Roy, 
with a sigh of relief, had safely locked the purser in 
suite 123. 


THE PURSER AS SUBSTITUTE. 41 

Then with a palpitating heart he went to the apart- 
ments of poor Queen Angelica to break to her the 
terrible predicament which they wer*> in. 


CHAPTER IV. 


WEIGHED AND FOUND WANTING. 

Historians often considerately draw a kindly veil 
between the little piccadilloes of their heroes and hero- 
ines and the gaping public. There is no reason in the 
world why the precedent should not be followed in 
this history of the Envoy Extraordinary of Queen 
Angelica the first. 

“ If you had only driven him to another hotel, and 
then telephoned for me, stupid ! ” she screamed. “ We 
can never use such a person as the Envoy Extraor- 
dinary of a prince. The people would know in a 
minute that he was only a sham. A purser ! ” she 
moaned. “ A common sailorman ! Oh, merciful 
heavens, how that Vice-Queen will gloat ! ” 

“ I never thought of it, Angelica,” confessed the 
miserable Sir Roy. “ You see, the people would have 
recognized the liveries of the coachman and footman 
[42] 


WEIGHED AND FOUND WANTING. 


43 


in a minute even at another hotel (the press agent has 
described them so many times), and I didn’t think you 
would want it known, Angel, that there wasn’t any 
envoy at all. And then, you see, he w T as so obstinate. 
He wouldn’t let me have the decoration in a quiet, 
peaceable manner in a quiet street and then let me 
drop him. He insisted on either getting out, right 
before the people of the hotel, too, or else coming in 
to give you the package. What was I to do, my 
dear ? ” 

“ Well,” said the unhappy Queen resignedly, “ I 
suppose it can’t be helped now. You can’t gather up 
spilt milk, I’ve heard mother say. I suppose we shall 
have to hire him to be the envoy.” 

“ By heaven, no,” cried Sir Roy, greatly alarmed 
at such a possibility. 

“ Why not ? Then what is your idea ? ” asked the 
Queen, irritably. 

“ To pay him, and let him slip quietly out of the 
hotel ; and then get one of our friends to act the part. 
That man is absolutely impossible, Angel dear.” 

“ I will judge of that when I see him,” said the 
Queen, snappishly. 


44 


HATS OFF! 


Sir Roy unlocked the door of the apartment in 
which he had confined the purser, to prevent any of 
the reporters from seeing him. 

“ Here he is,” said Sir Roy, indicating the sailor- 
man, who was sprawling comfortably on a Louis XV 
sofa, examining the tapestries on the walls with in- 
terest. 

“ Glad to know you, ma’am/' said the purser defer- 
entially, but a little disappointed that the Queen did 
not wear her crown. Then he whispered to Sir Roy, 
as the disgusted Queen looked at him, “ ’igh-toned 
diggin’s these, ain’t they ? ” 

“ So you are the man in whose care the Prince sent 
the package ? ” asked the Queen, at length. 

“ I’m the chap that’s got a package for Miss An- 
gelica Saunders,” replied the purser. “ It’s that 
gentleman there who says as it’s from a Prince and 
that you’re a Queen. But I’m glad to accommodate 
in any ways reasonable, ma’am, Queen or no Queen.” 

“ I am Miss Angelica Saunders,” said the Queen, 
haughtily, holding out her hand for the coveted pack- 
age. 


WEIGHED AND FOUND WANTING. 


45 


“ Very good, miss. But this gentleman, miss, 'e 
was Antin' at there bein’ a job for me as henvoy, 
miss ” 

“ I did nothing of the sort,” shouted Sir Roy, an- 
grily. 

“ I’m sure I’m willin' to do it just as reasonable as 
the next man,” continued the purser, persuasively, 
“ and you’ll find me sober, industrious, and willin'. 
Only I must get through the job to-night so as to get 
back to my ship.” 

“ This gentleman was quite mistaken, if he said 
such a thing. Now will you have the goodness to 
give me that package and be gone ? ” 

Again she reached out her hand, but the disap- 
pointed purser held it cautiously behind his back. 

“ Now, 'old 'ard, miss, if you please. Let’s do 
things ship-shape. If this is a parcel from royalty, 
I can’t be too careful. And ’ow am I to know as 
you’re Miss Saunders ? You must prove it, please, 
miss.” 

“ I will get you one of my cards, and some letters 
with my name on them.” 


4 6 


HATS OFF! 


The purser shook his head. 

“ Then I’ll get one of the bell-boys to identify me, 
if you so rudely insist,” cried the Queen, annoyed. 

Again the purser shook his head obstinately. 

“ It’ll take more than a bell-boy or a bunch of let- 
ters, miss. For all I know to the contrary, you and 
this gent may be a gang of those bunco steerers that 
I’ve ’eard tell of. No, no, miss. It’ll be the manager 
’isself who will ’ave to hidentify you, if you please, 
miss. I’m sorry to discommode you, but I can’t think 
of givin’ hup this ’ere horder of royalty without things 
bein’ done ship-shape.” 

The Queen gazed at the obstinate purser, greatly 
disturbed in spirit. The manager ! The shade of 
Mary Queen of Scots ! It would be impossible for 
the manager to identify her as Angelica Saunders 
without his seeing at once that no envoy had come. 
And the Queen was determined upon one thing, ab- 
solutely. She would have an Envoy Extraordinary 
or she would know the reason why. She would hire 
one. But that vulgar creature, who left his h’s out, 
and was now lolling insolently on the sofa, was quite 


WEIGHED AND FOUND WANTING. 


47 


unfit for the part, as her lover had said. She must 
conciliate the man, even at the expense of dollars and 
dignity. She must get him out of the hotel quickly 
and quietly. So the Queen put aside her chilling air, 
and sat down beside the purser, and looked at him as 
seductively and as charmingly as forty can look. 

“ Now, my dear Mr. Purser,” she cooed, darting a 
coquettish glance at the sailorman, who was indeed 
of a remarkably impressionable nature, “ won't you 
please be reasonable ? I'm going to cast myself at 
your feet. Pm quite at your mercy, I confess it. I’m 
going to tell you that we don’t want it known for the 
world that the Envoy Extraordinary hasn’t come. 
And though you are the nicest a»d most gallant sailor, 
you wouldn’t be quite a success as an envoy. So I 
can’t ask you to be it, though I should like to very, 
very much. I can only ask you please to give me the 
package — to believe that I really am Miss Saunders. 
I know you will do this, because all sailors are the 
kindest and most generous men in the world.” 

The purser wavered. 

“ I’ll take you to my room, if you insist, and show 


HATS OFF! 


48 

you my trunks with my name on them. And I’ll call 
as many bell-boys as you please. But don’t ask me to 
call the manager, and I shall be grateful to you as 
long as I live. Won’t you say yes ? Won’t you, 
please f ” 

The Queen leaned very close to the impressionable 
sailorman. 

“ We’ll make it worth your while, purser,” said Sir 
Roy, who knew by bitter experience the effect of a 
good sound financial argument on the purser. 

“ What’s it worth ? ” asked the purser, hoarsely. 

“ Fifty dollars,” promptly replied the Queen. 

“ I scorn to ’aggie,” cried the purser with a fine 
burst of generous enthusiasm, “ but make it a ’undred 
and the bell-boys and the trunks be blovved.” 

“ A hundred it is,” sighed Sir Roy, taking out his 
pocket-book. 

Then the purser was meekly led away by Sir Roy. 
And fortune favored the latter so greatly that he man- 
aged to let his enemy out of the hotel without any- 
body’s taking the slightest notice. He returned jubi- 
lantly to the Queen. 


WEIGHED AND FOUND WANTING. 49 

“ Well, he’s got rid of, thank goodness ! ” 

“ Yes,” replied the Queen, gloomily. “ But half a 
dozen reporters have been sending up their cards, ask- 
ing permission to interview the Envoy Extraor- 
dinary.” 

“ And what in the world did you say ? ” asked the 
frightened Sir Roy. 

“ I told them that he is resting, fatigued by his long 
voyage. He is lying down, not feeling very well.” 

“ What ! ” cried Sir Roy in an awed voice, “ you 
are pretending that he’s in suite 123 ? By Jove, what 
a woman you are ! ” said Sir Roy with admiration. 
“ But, Angel, don’t do it. Let’s tell the truth. Let’s 
fling up the sponge and call ourselves beaten.” 

“ Never!” retorted the Queen with energy. “I have 
planned a course of action. Do you remember, Roy, 
how once my Lord Chancellor didn’t appear at a 
function ?” 

“ Perfectly,” replied Sir Roy. “ You hired another 
off Mr. Jones, the Super Captain.” 

“ Precisely. And do you remember how well that 
supernumerary played his part ? Quite as well as a 


50 HATS OFF ! 

real lord chancellor could have done. Why should 
we not engage the same man to play the Envoy Ex- 
traordinary ? ” 

Sir Roy was speechless. 

“ Of course I know the risk. But a Queen has to 
take risks very often. And sometimes she has to be 
unscrupulous. There was Lady Macbeth and Eliza- 
beth. Then, Roy, this is what you are to do. You 
must see those reporters first. You must pacify them. 
Promise them that they shall see the Envoy later. 
And of course we shall take care that they do not see 
him — that he is spirited away after the ceremony. 
Then take a cab, and go as fast as you can to the 
house of the Super Captain. Explain to him our 
needs. Bind him to secrecy first, however. Try to 
get him not to demand immediate payment. My 
purse is a little low. But promise that he shall be 
reimbursed liberally. Go, Roy, dear, at once. He 
must be our saviour in our extremity.” 

And Sir Roy with many misgivings at heart went 
his way to the Captain of the Supernumeraries. 


CHAPTER V. 


THE SUPER CAPTAIN IS APPEALED TO. 

There are several captains of supernumeraries in 
New York City, no doubt. But the man with whom 
Queen Angelica had had dealings is a gentleman of 
an Hebraic cast of countenance who rejoices in the 
Christian name of Jones. Many, many years ago, he 
himself had been an humble aspirant to Thespian 
honors and had carried a spear at twenty-five cents 
a performance, matinees thrown in. 

But Mr. Jones had been no ordinary super. He 
had had feelings. And he had had ambition. He had 
been hurt at the brutal fashion in which the stage 
manager had often addressed himself and his fellow 
supers. He had resented the indignity of dressing in 
the cellars of theaters, among old properties and dis- 
carded scenery and rats and filth. He had caught 
cold from the drafts. He had become sick from the 

w 


52 


HATS OFF! 


bad air. But especially had he resented the paltry 
remuneration of twenty-five cents a performance as 
a sop for suffering all these indignities and discom- 
forts. 

Mr. Jones had not kept this noble resentment to 
himself. On the contrary, he had aired it thoroughly. 
He had so filled the bosoms of other spear-carriers 
and mob-shouters with a like spirit of resentment, 
that when at last they had plucked up courage, under 
his incessant goadings and tauntings, to make a bold 
demand to all the theatrical managers of the city for a 
more liberal compensation for their distinguished ser- 
vices, they had unanimously appointed Mr. Jones 
spokesman to represent the indignities and wrongs 
that they were heir to. Mr. Jones had accepted the 
trust with alacrity. And so well did the philanthropic 
Mr. Jones accomplish his diplomatic mission, so elo- 
quently did he plead the rights of supers, that they 
agreed to increase the rate of payment to fifty cents 
a performance. Mr. Jones had become known as 
“ the super’s idol.” 

Mark now the more substantial reward of this dis- 


THE SUPER CAPTAIN IS APPEALED TO. 53 

interested philanthropy. In the course of his duties 
as supers’ advocate the judicious Mr. Jones had come 
into close contact with all the managers of New York 
City. So that when the time was ripe, and he had 
gained not only the love and confidence of the supers, 
but the respect and fear of the managers themselves, 
he had addressed each of these latter somewhat as 
follows : 

“ I have noticed, Mr. Manager, that you have con- 
siderable trouble with your supers. They sometimes 
get drunk. Often they don’t turn up at performances. 
They are unintelligent. They are loafers. Very often 
you are compelled to use a short super when you 
should use a tall super,, and a tall super when the 
part calls for a short super. Now, if you will let me 
help you, I can remedy all that. I will make a con- 
tract with you to supply you with supers that are 
neither unintelligent nor unduly fond of intoxicating 
liquors. When you want a tall super to carry a spear 
you will have a tall super, and not a short one. When 
you want a short and smooth-faced super to act as 
an Italian minstrel to blow through a fake flute or to 


HATS OFF! 


54 

twang a fake harp, you shall have a short and smooth- 
faced super who will look the part. Indeed, my supers 
shall be so carefully selected that they shall be actors 
in the rough. They shall be worthy of advance to 
dramatic honors. They shall play well their thinking 
parts. I will do all the advertising and selecting. All 
you will have to do will be to say to me, 4 1 want so 
many supers and of such a character,’ and you will 
have them. I shall not ask you to pay anything for 
my services. I shall get my pay by docking each 
super fifty cents a week. And I shall have a corner 
in supers and so they won’t dare to kick. Is it a go? ” 

“ It is a go,” each delighted manager had replied, 
embracing the philanthropic and enterprising Mr. 
Jones. 

It is true that the guileless supernumeraries had 
been a little glum when fifty cents of their pay went 
each week into the Super Captain’s pocket. But Mr. 
Jones had really done them yeoman’s service, and they 
realized that it was too late to make any fuss since he 
had a corner on supers. So they had yielded cheerfully 
the fifty cents each week, and Mr. Jones no longer 


THE SUPER CAPTAIN IS APPEALED TO 55 

carried a spear, but became a broker, so to speak, in 
other supernumeraries of spear-carrying aspirations. 

It was to this sagacious gentleman that Queen An- 
gelica in her dire extremity had sent Sir Roy. 

Mr. Jones was dining sumptuously on porterhouse 
smothered in onions, when Sir Roy burst into his flat 
and interrupted his epicurean labors. The Super Cap- 
tain listened attentively to Sir Roy's tale, his knife 
and fork posed deferentially in the airi 

Now then, Mr. Jones," cried Sir Roy, when he 
had explained the harassing situation, “ the question 
is, can you put your hands on the man whom my 
sister hired to play the lord chancellor last year, 
and get him to play the Envoy Extraordinary for us 
to-night ?" 

“ No," replied the Super Captain laconically, “ I 
can't, Mr. Poplar, for the very good reason that he’s 
been promoted to a speaking part and he ain’t a super 
no longer." 

“ That is unfortunate,” said Sir Roy, greatly dis- 
appointed. “ Then have you any other young man 
who can look the part of Envoy Extraordinary, who 


5 6 HATS off! 

can challenge the combined gaze of thirty argus-eyed 
reporters, and yet cause no inconvenient suspicions 
to arise in their minds ? ” 

“ Mr. Poplar/’ proudly cried the Super Captain, 
shaking a long French loaf at his visitor, “ I can put 
my hand, sir, on a super that could play the part of 
the prince hisself or of a king, if he only had the 
chance. He’s the real stuff, sir, with a wad of bills in 
his pocket that would hurt your foot to kick, a gentle- 
man born and bred, sir, college bred, too.” 

“ Magnificent ! ” cried Sir Roy, overjoyed. “ And 
can you get him in an hour ? There’s no time to lose. 
It’s half-past six now.” 

“ Cert,” said the Super Captain. “ But, Mr. Poplar, 
I ain’t in this biz for my health, you know.” 

Sir Roy colored angrily. 

“ Really, Mr. Jones, I don’t know exactly what you 
mean. Of course a suitable recompense — ” 

“ Oh, yes, you do,” confidently replied the Super 
Captain, leaning back in his chair, his thumbs stuck 
in the arm-holes of his rather loud waistcoat of red 
velvet, and his eyes gleaming shrewdly at Sir Roy. 


THE SUPER CAPTAIN IS APPEALED TO. 57 

“ There’s the little bill of the Queen’s that I ’ve been 
dunnin’ her for the past three months. That’s got 
to be settled before I do anything more, sir.” 

Sir Roy paid the bill, not without some reluctance. 

“ And you are sure that your man will do ? ” he 
asked, rising to go. 

“ Sure pop. You can leave the matter with me, 
sir. I have a man in my mind’s eye that’s just the 
thing. He’s got brass enough to cast a cannon with, 
and aristocratic looks that would make a haughty 
Egyptian mummy up in the Metropolitan Museum 
there turn in his grave with envy. He’s at the 
Frivolity now, supin’ in * The Life of Sport.’ He’s 
six foot one in his stockin’s, his clothes were made 
on Fifth Avenue, and he’s been at Harvard College. 
He’s just supin’ because he’s stage-struck. He’s a 
peach. He’ll suit the Queen right down to the ground. 
A thorough-goin’ sport, he is, a tip-top gent ! ” 

“ Superb ! ” cried Sir Roy, rubbing his hands, and 
thinking how pleased the Queen would be at the suc- 
cess of his mission. “ And look here, Mr. Jones. 
You’ll have to see that he sneaks into suite 123 with- 


58 


HATS OFF! 


out any one’s knowing it. Because all the newspaper- 
men and the hotel people think the Envoy’s in there 
now, resting up for to-night. He must be at the hotel 
promptly by half-past eight. I will be outside the 
apartment waiting for him to let him in.” 

“ On the minute he shall be there,” promised the 
Super Captain, putting on his overcoat. “ And how 
about his togs ? A Envoy, I think you said, Mr. 
Poplar ? A character part, eh ? What do you say 
to his wearin’ silk tights, doublet and hose, you know, 
and a blond, curly wig ? I can get ’em at the cos- 
tumers.” 

“ Oh, no ! ” cried Sir Roy, aghast. “ He must be 
in conventional evening clothes, of course. Do you 
suppose your man has a suitable dress-suit ? ” 

“ Has he ? Well, rather ! In ‘ The Life of Sport ’ 
supers get a dollar extra if they supply their own 
dress-suits. And I’ve seen my man’s suit. It’s a bird 
— long, stylish tails and broad, velvet collar, regular 
Bond Street style — English, you know. And his silk 
hat’s a daisy ! Oh, he’ll look the part all right, never 
you worry, Mr. Poplar. And give my respects to the 


THE SUPER CAPTAIN IS APPEALED TO. 59 

Queen, sir, and tell her anythin’ else I can do to oblige 
her, she’ll be welcome to. And I suppose you will 
make it convenient to pay my man spot cash, sir ? 
I won’t ask it now. Pay my man to-night if you’re 
satisfied; fire him back and no pay if you aren’t. 
That’s square, ain’t it ? ” 

“ Perfectly satisfactory,” replied Sir Roy rather 
coldly. He wished that the lower classes would not be 
so mercenary in spirit. Really, there was very little 
romance in their coarse natures. 

But he drove back at full speed to the Rotterdam, 
eager to cheer up Queen Angelica with the tidings of 
his successful mission. And the Super Captain took 
a street car to the theater, to get the supernumerary 
whom he had selected to play the responsible role of 
Envoy Extraordinary. 


CHAPTER VI. 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. 5. 

There is a wise saying to the effect that the best 
laid plans of rodents and bipeds are often doomed to 
disastrous failure. 

The Super Captain and especially the Queen were 
to feel the bitter truth of the proverb this evening. 

The Super Captain had spoken in all sincerity to 
Sir Roy when he had lauded to the skies the super- 
numerary whom he had selected to play the role of 
Envoy Extraordinary. Mr. Jones, neither by birth 
nor breeding, could be termed exactly a gentleman, 
but he was a shrewd enough man of affairs to recog- 
nize a gentleman when he saw one. 

But when he entered the stage door of the Frivolity 
in search of his jewel of a super, passed across the 
stage, then being set for the Earl’s Court scene, de- 
scended the dirty, rickety steps leading to the regions 
[60] 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. 5 . 6l 

below, and asked of his assistant, who was checking 
off each of the supernumeraries as they reported for 
duty, for the super whom he had in mind, he learned 
to his dismay that he had not been at the theater for 
three nights. 

“ He’s been laid up for a week, cap.,” said the as- 
sistant, as he punched a super’s check. 

“ Laid up ? ” asked the Super Captain, frowning 
heavily. “ Not sick ? ” 

“ Well, his forehead has a bump on it as big as a 
tomato. One of the gripmen steered a flat into him 
durin’ a dark change. He was a sight for a dime 
museum. Serves him right, too, for gettin’ in the 
way.” 

And the assistant checked off the number of the 
super who played the thinking part of a London 
bobby with infinite contempt. 

“ Holy Moses ! ” the Super Captain murmured, 
whistling softly. He looked ruefully at the fifty-odd 
supers who were crowding around, each anxious to 
get a nod of greeting from their great captain. Even 
the Super Captain had to acknowledge that they were 


62 


HATS OFF ! 


not a prepossessing lot. In “ The Life of Sport ” a 
great intellect or a distinguished presence on the part 
of the supers was not imperative. All they had to do 
was to walk to and fro, impersonating a shopping 
crowd on Bond Street, shout angrily at a welsher on 
the Derby scene, and to yell vociferously when the 
star knocked out a professional pugilist. Mr. Jones 
bitterly regretted that he had not transferred before 
the accident the gentlemanly ex-Harvard super to 
Baley’s Theater, where the supernumeraries were a 
much more intelligent lot. At Baley’s they had to 
make up, and they learned to walk the stage with 
some degree of unconsciousness. Indeed, the proud- 
est boast of the Super Captain’s was that three of 
“ his boys ” had risen to the dignity of receiving their 
pay at the front of the house, having been made regu- 
lar members of Baley’s company. 

The Super Captain did not take any notice of his 
boys to-night. “The old man’s worried,” they whis- 
pered, just as they do at the Democratic Club when 
Mr. Croker is worried. Yes, Mr. Jones was greatly 
worried. He had given his word to Sir Roy and he 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. 5. 63 

did not see how he could keep it. In the first place, 
he dared not take one of his more intelligent men from 
the important theaters at so short a notice. That 
would cause a row with the manager. 

“ Ah, there, Cap. ! Nice evening , 99 

The gloomy frown fled from the Super Captain’s 
brow. He nodded at the speaker thoughtfully. 

“ Come here, Gus, I want to speak to you.” 

The assistant opened the door of the room in which 
the overcoats of the supernumeraries were hung while 
engaged in their professional duties. The Super Cap- 
tain and Super No. 5 passed within. 

“ The Life of Sport ” had been running at the 
Frivolity for three months. Augustus Higgins, better 
known to the stage manager as Super No. 5, had been 
with the play since the first rehearsal. Although he 
was a great deal shorter than most of the men, and 
although his presence could not be regarded as dis- 
tinguished under any circumstances, he had instantly 
been picked out by the Super Captain from among 
the several scores “>f applicants because of his extreme 
neatness. And the subsequent conduct of Super No. 


64 


HATS OFF! 


5 had sustained this favorable impression. Super No. 
5 never missed a performance. He was never under 
the influence of liquor. He was never quarrelsome, 
never impudent. He was always cheerful and anxious 
to please. He took as great interest in the success of 
the play as did the star who had a percentage of the 
profits. His property silk hat was never bumped in 
or brushed the Wrong way, tilted too far back on his 
head, or crushed too far down over his ears. While 
other frivolous spirits played penny ante, Augustus 
Higgins was brushing his dress-suit or smoothing his 
silk hat. Somewhat timidly at first (since his fellows 
were both rough and jealous), but more boldly after- 
wards, his desire for dramatic honors led him to more 
ambitious flights. He waxed the ends of his mus- 
tache. He smeared his cheeks with grease paint — 
juvenile tint, number 7, — rubbed a little rogue on 
his chubby cheeks, put a black line with a toothpick 
under his eyes. And Augustus received his modest 
reward for these painstaking efforts. At the Super 
Captain’s request he was singled out by the stage 
manager for “ special business.” During the Earl’s 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. 5. 65 

Court scene he sat at one of the tables away “ down 
stage ” among the principals. He stood three paces 
in front of the other herd of supers during the boxing 
scene. And lastly, he had been made deliriously 
happy by having four words to speak all by himself 
in a loud, triumphant voice, “ The bets ! The bets ! ” 
With this last unparalleled honor Augustus Higgins 
had rested content. His imagination could conceive 
of no greater advancement. 

But to-night he was to be made a Queen’s Envoy 
Extraordinary. 

Because the Super Captain was determined not to 
disappoint Sir Roy. And he was equally determined 
not to disappoint himself. His jewel of a super was 
not available. But Augustus would make a very 
creditable paste jewel. Mr. Jones knew very well that 
people do not detect clever imitations as readily as 
they flatter themselves. And even supposing that Sir 
Roy or the Queen decided that Super No. 5 would 
not suit, there was nothing to be lost by the effort. 
So he acquainted the astonished Augustus with the 
honor that was to be his. 


66 


HATS OFF! 


“ Now, Gussie, do you think you can do it ? Have 
you got the nerve ? ” asked the Super Captain, eyeing 
his favorite super narrowly. “ Because if you haven’t, 
say so, and I’ll get some one else.” 

Super No. 5 gasped three times and blinked at his 
boss twice. Then he drew himself up to his extreme 
height of five feet six and answered with undaunted 
front : 

“ Sure, Cap., nerve enough to punch the manager’s 
eye if you say the word.” 

“ Oh, it ain’t as bad as that, Higgins. All you’ll 
have to do is to keep a stiff upper lip and bluff like the 
deuce. I guess you’ll manage the thing in good 
shape, but I must say, Gussie, no offense to you of 
course, but I wish you was a few inches higher.” 

“ I may be short, Cap.,” said Augustus with dignity, 
“ but what there is of me is solid, sir.” 

“ All right, Gus. But there’s no time to talk. 
We’ve got to be seein’ about your togs. Let’s have 
a look at your dress-suit.” 

Super No. 5 eagerly fetched it from the dressing- 
room, and held it out for his chief’s inspection. 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. 5. 67 

“ You can go through all the bunch, Cap., and you 
wont find its beat. Not a crease in it, not a stain. 
And look at this hat. There ain’t a shinier or less bat- 
tered in the theater.” 

But the Super Captain shook his head. 

“ That suit may be all very well for a super here 
at the Frivolity , Gus, but it won’t go up at the Rotter- 
dam. It ain’t the thing for a high-toned envoy. Now 
we haven’t much time to lose. We must see about 
gettin’ another.” 

“ Where are we goin’ to ? ” asked Augustus, his 
bosom swelling with pride as he noted the envious 
glances cast at him by the other supers. 

“ Round the corner to Third Avenue to hire a swell 
dress-suit. You may as well put that silk hat on, 
though, because you are going to act the envoy in- 
doors, and they won’t see the hat. Have you got 
some studs and cuff buttons ? ” 

Augustus sorrowfully confessed that he was not 
possessed of those luxuries. 

“ Well, you can use mine. But mind they’re come- 


backs, Gus.” 


68 


HATS OFF! 


“ Come-backs, they are, Cap.,” promised Augustus. 

The establishment before which the Super Captain 
and the Envoy Extraordinary-elect halted was made 
conspicuous by three glittering gilded balls. “ No, 
not in the hock shop,” said the Super Captain, as 
Augustus in his eagerness was bursting into the 
“ Ladies’ Entrance.” “ It’s up stairs.” And as Augus- 
tus looked up he saw a sign, “ Full Dress-Suits to 
Hire.” 

A great many suits were displayed before the Cap- 
tain’s critical taste was satisfied. 

“ I won’t have ’em too big or too small, Isaacs,” 
he threatened. “ I won’t have ’em tight and I won’t 
have ’em loose. I won’t have ’em greasy and I won’t 
have ’em frayed. You can talk all you’re a mind to, 
but I’ve got to have an A i article for this job.” 

So after Mr. Isaacs had expostulated volubly on the 
beauties of many garments, he brought forth his trump 
suit — one less shabby at the elbows, less shiny at the 
seams, and less baggy in the rear than the rest, and 
the Super Captain condescended to express a dubious 
approval. 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. 5. 69 

“It vas new, so helup me, cracious ! ” cried Mr. 
Isaacs, caressing it fondly. 

“ Well, you fool,” grumbled the Super Captain, 
“ why didn’t you bring out that one at first ? I told 
you I wanted a new one.” 

“ But it vas less reesk if you tak’ vone of dose,” said 
Mr Isaacs with a crafty smile as he indicated the heap 
of discarded garments. “ He vill come back to- 
night ? ” 

Mr. Isaacs pointed anxiously towards a curtain be- 
hind which Augustus was putting on the dress-suit. 

“ I don’t know about to-night, Isaacs,” replied the 
Super Captain, lighting a cigar. “ But he will be back 
here with it by eight o’clock to-morrow, sure. You 
hear that, Gus ? To-morrow morning at eight 
o’clock sharp.” 

“ If eet vas not, I get a varrant,” threatened Mr. 
Isaacs, wildly waving his arms. 

“ You hear, Gus ? ” cried Mr. Jones. “ If you don’t 
get it back the old sheeney gets a warrant.” 

“ Eight o’clock it is, Cap.,” promised Augustus 
cheerfully, emerging from behind the curtain. “ How’s 
the fit?” 


;o 


HATS OFF! 


“ O mein Gott, it vas magneeficent ! ” cried Mr. 
Isaacs in ecstasy. 

“ It'll do,” remarked the Super Captain. “ And 
now, Gus, I guess there's time for you to have a shine 
at Tony's, and then we’ll pack you off in a hansom to 
the hotel.” 

Under the Super Captain’s eye, the blacking was 
deftly applied to cover up a yawning crack in the left 
shoe. A hansom was hailed. Augustus Higgins, his 
knees shaking and his palms clammy with excitement, 
seated himself inside. The Super Captain clasped his 
hand : 

“ Now, Gus, I expect you to do me and yourself 
proud. You ain't nervous, are you ? ” 

He looked at Super No. 5 as anxiously as a trainer 
does a prize-fighter before the fray. 

“No more than's nat’ral, Cap.,” stammered Au- 
gustus. 

“ Well, pull yourself together. Be a man. The 
bloomin’ swells ain’t goin' to eat you. Keep your wits 
together and your mouth shut and remember you’re 
an actor. Just explain to Mr. Poplar, will you, that I 


AUGUSTUS HIGGINS, SUPER NO. $. 71 

couldn’t send the man I promised because he’s hurt. 
And say, Gus, get the dough from Mr. Poplar, cash 
down. The Queen ain’t particular good pay. So 
long.” 

The cabman cracked his whip. And Augustus Hig- 
gins, late Super No. 5, but now Envoy Extraordinary 
from Prince Geoffrey de La Fleur to Queen Angelica 
of the Dutch Fraus, sank back in his seat in a half- 
dazed, half-exultant state of collapse. 


CHAPTER VII. 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 

After Sir Roy’s compact with the Super Captain, 
he had returned to his fiancee in the highest spirits, 
and had regaled her with a rosy-hued description of 
the gem of an envoy that Mr. Jones had promised to 
send them. 

“ Why, my dear, upon my word,” cried Sir Roy 
jubilantly, “ he’ll be probably more of a success than 
a real envoy himself would have been. A Harvard 
man, my love ; six feet tall ; the good looks of Apollo 
with the grace of a Chesterfield ; the clothes of a Bond 
Street tailor, and the distinction of a Bayard. No one, 
not even the lynx-eyed Vice-Queen herself, will dream 
there’s anything wrong. Angel, give me a kiss to 
reward me.” 

“ A dozen, you ducky,” cried the Queen, as she 
showered a stream of kisses on the lips of the willing 
[ 72 [ 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 73 

recipient. “ If anything had happened so that they 
guessed that there wasn’t any envoy in the 123 suite, 
resting his gouty and aristocratic limbs in lordly ease 
on the sofa, well, I should have gone into St. Vitus’ 
dance with vexation. I know I should. But with an 
envoy such as you describe — distinguished, hand- 
some, cultured — in a word, a gentleman — oh, Roy, 
how I love you.” 

Now had the Queen and her lover kept this rosy- 
hued ideal to themselves, they would assuredly have 
been grievously disappointed when the ideal vanished 
into thin air at the appearance in the flesh of Augustus 
Higgins, Super No. 5. 

But, most unfortunately, this disillusionment was to 
be the very least of their woes, because the Queen 
could not resist the temptation of crowing over the 
Vice-Queen by dilating upon the charms of the Envoy 
Extraordinary, who was supposed by the Vice-Queen 
and all the other members of the Dutch Fraus to be 
at that moment in suite 123. Nor could Sir Roy resist 
the furious onslaught of pointed and ingenious ques- 
tions hurled at him by half a dozen eager reporters 


74 hats off! 

regarding the personal appearance and characteristics 
of the great guest. So that both reporters and mem- 
bers of the Dutch Fraus and all the invited guests 
were eager to see the paragon of perfection, the ad- 
mirable Crichton, that each one of them conjured up 
in his or her mind’s eye. 

If the Queen and Sir Roy could only quietly smug- 
gle the expected ex-Harvard man in suite 123, they 
both felt that their troubles would have a fair chance 
of being a thing of the past. 

And now everything was in readiness. All there 
was to be done was to wait patiently for the hour 
when the envoy was to arrive. 

In the grand ball-room the invited guests were as- 
sembled. They craned their necks expectantly out of 
the boxes. They stood on tiptoe and looked over one 
another’s heads, seated five deep around the room. 
The members of the Dutch Fraus took up their posi- 
tions according to the previous rehearsals. The her- 
alds, and all those appointed to receive the Queen, 
stood in picturesque confusion about the throne. The 
electric light shed just the proper artistic warmth 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 7 5 

upon the scene. It was a picture resplendent and 
magnificent enough to arouse the envy of a real mon- 
arch himself. The Queen’s immediate suite, her lords 
and ladies-in-waiting, were crowded in apartment 121. 

In apartment 122, that next to 123, the rooms re- 
served for the Envoy Extraordinary, the Queen and 
the Vice-Queen were waiting. 

“ Heavens, darling,” cried Angelica to the Vice- 
Queen, “ what are you doing there ? ” 

“ I am listening at the keyhole,” replied the frivo- 
lous Vice-Queen, “ to see if I can’t hear the Envoy 
moving. But I can’t hear a sound. And there’s only 
two folding doors between his apartments and this 
room. Do you suppose that he is asleep ? If he is, 
he doesn’t snore.” 

“ I am grieved and shocked that you should listen 
at keyholes. And the word ‘ snore/ my love, is not a 
well-bred word for a Vice-Queen to use.” 

The Vice-Queen blushed. “ Miss Propriety,” she 
muttered scornfully. Then aloud, “ But I am anxious, 
dear. I so long to see your wonderful envoy. Do 
you suppose we shall find him nice ? ” 


;6 


HATS off! 


“ I am sure I shall find him nice/’ replied the 
Queen, complacently. “ I have already told you, love, 
he is tall, very, very distinguished, handsome, and 
most refined. Those are the precise words of my — of 
Sir Roy, I mean.” 

“ If it isn’t her proprieties, or her crown, it’s her 
lover,” muttered the Vice-Queen to herself once more. 
“ And is he foreign-looking ? French, of course. 
How glad I am I speak French.” 

The Queen turned pale. Oh, how foolish they had 
been ! Here was a new complication. They had 
never once thought that of course the Envoy of a 
French Prince would be expected to speak French. 
And then the Queen remembered how cultured a su- 
pernumerary they were expecting. No doubt he 
would be able to speak the language. Not very 
fluently, perhaps, but fluently enough to mutter a few 
words. He could pretend to have the toothache, or to 
have a very severe cold. And just as soon as the cere- 
mony was over, Sir Roy would see that he was sent 
away. So she answered quite composedly: 

“ French, no doubt, my love, but not necessarily 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 77 

so. As I told you, I have had only the merest glimpse 
of him.” 

“ How queer it is,” said the Vice-Queen, smooth- 
ing out her gown, but watching Angelica closely the 
while, “ that your description does not at all agree 
with that of Mr. Locke, the manager of the hotel, who 
saw him this afternoon when he arrived. Mr. Locke 
assures me he is not at all distinguished, but short 
and rather thick-set, florid in the face, and with side- 
whiskers. His clothes didn’t fit him at all well, Mr. 
Locke said. In fact, Mr. Locke said he did not 
answer to his ideal of what an Envoy should be.” 

Queen Angelica shuddered. The manager had de- 
scribed the purser. 

“ Mr. Locke, I fear, is not so favorable to the so- 
ciety as I could wish,” she replied, making a supreme 
effort not to look anxious. “ I fear he is prejudiced. 
He could have had but the merest glimpse of him.” 

“ Yes, that’s just what Mr. Locke said: ‘Any one 
would think that you were ashamed of your envoy, 
you sneak him up without any one’s having a good 
chance to have a look at him.’ That’s what Mr. 
Locke said,” remarked the Vice-Queen, sweetly. 


78 


HATS OFF! 


“ Really, my love, I am wearied of hearing what 
Mr. Locke said.” 

The Queen yawned pretentiously. 

“ And she never has enough manners to cover her 
mouth before me,” commented the dissatisfied rival. 

And then the door opened abruptly. Sir Roy en- 
tered distraught. His eyes were wild. Sheer despair 
sat upon his brow. The Queen pressed her hands to 
her breast. She rose and faced him, troubled but un- 
daunted. 

“ My sweet Angelica,” he stammered, “ I must 
speak to you alone, my dear. Something has hap- 
pened.” 

The Vice-Queen’s eyes gleamed expectantly and 
triumphantly. Any one could see that something very 
serious had happened. And she rejoiced. 

The Queen felt the inquisitive eyes of her jealous 
rival simply boring through her. She could have 
screamed with anxiety. But she answered without a 
tremor in her voice : 

“ I trust, Roy dear, that the Envoy is not worse ? ” 

“ Yes,” stammered Sir Roy. “ He is very ill. 
That’s just it. He has told me to tell you something.” 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 79 

At this very lucid explanation the Queen turned 
calmly to her rival : “ If you please, my love.” 

The baffled Vice-Queen bounced out of the room, 
banging the door angrily behind her. Queen Angel- 
ica promptly turned the key. 

“ What is it ? ” she hissed, turning to her prostrate 
fiance. “ Is it the Envoy ? He has not come ? ” 

Sir Roy groaned. 

“ Yes, he’s come. And oh, my dear girl, I’m an 
awful fool.” 

“ I’ve known that all along,” said the Queen sav- 
agely. 

“ I wish you’d kick me, Sweet,” implored Sir Roy. 

“ I wish you’d go on,” urged the Queen, shaking 
him. 

“ I was waiting for the Envoy, you know, outside 
the door, so as to let him slip in his rooms without 
any one noticing him. And all the reporters were 
out there in the corridor, and they began to pump 
me. I couldn’t resist the temptation, so I described 
to them the magnificent appearance of the Envoy, just 
as the Super Captain described him to me.” 


So 


HATS OFF! 


“And/’ added the Queen grimly, “just as I’ve de- 
scribed him to that creature who was in here. And 
isn’t he anything like that ? ” 

“ Like that ! ” echoed Sir Roy, looking at the 
Queen pityingly. “ Oh, my dear girl ! While the 
reporters were taking notes — I confess I exaggerated 
a little and drew on my imagination — I noticed a mis- 
erable little wretch, very ill at ease and horibly nerv- 
ous, wandering unhappily up and down the corridor. 
He was in evening clothes. But such evening clothes, 
Angel. Such a fit ! ” 

“ Well, well ? ” cried the Queen impatiently. 

“ And then, out of the corner of my eye, just as I 
was expatiating on the splendor of our Envoy Ex- 
traordinary to the reporters, I saw him go up to the 
door of 123 and knock.” 

“ Great heavens ! ” murmured the Queen. “ I wish 
you would go on, and not make me crazy with sus- 
pense.” 

“ He knocked, and then he sneaked away timidly. 

I was wondering what the fellow could be, and what 
he wanted, when I saw him slide Up again, more 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 8 1 


boldly this time, and knock again. Then it dawned 
on me, like an awful nightmare, that that fellow was 
the Envoy. How I got him into the room, I don’t 
know. But I did. Yes, he’s in there now. I locked 
him in, as I did the purser, until I could see you. 
Oh, my poor Angelica ! ” 

Queen Angelica wasted no time in words. She 
rushed over to where the Vice-Queen had been imper- 
tinently listening, threw open the folding doors that 
led between the two suites of rooms, and entered. 

“ There it is,” said Sir Roy pointing. 

Yes, there he stood, Augustus Higgins, Super 
No. 5, in the dress-suit of Mr. Isaacs, the property 
silk hat of the Frivolity Theater in his hand, nervously 
pulling his cuffs down over his wrists to show off the 
links of the Super Captain. His left foot was mod- 
estly retiring behind the right to hide the crack, which 
was yet conspicuous in spite of the labors of Tony 
the bootblack. He did not feel happy. Somehow he 
was vaguely conscious that the dress-suit was not 
nearly so resplendent here at the hotel as it had 
seemed at the shop of Mr. Isaacs, 


82 


HATS O F! 


As the angry Queen glared at him, Augustus pulled 
down his cuffs still lower over his red wrists, made 
a step backward, ducked his head in a pitiful attempt 
at a bow, wrinkled up his chubby face in a yet more 
pitiful attempt at a sickening, fatuous grin, and said 
in a piping, high tenor voice of a decidedly nasal 
quality : 

“ Good evening, ma’am. I suppose you’re the 
Queen. I’m the Envoy.” 

“ Support me, Roy,” wailed the Queen. “ I’m go- 
ing to faint.” 

Augustus was vaguely conscious that something 
was wrong. He glanced at himself in the pier glass, 
picked off a piece of thread from the dress-suit, and 
asked mildly : 

“ Don’t the lady feel well ? ” 

Queen Angelica was in fact on the verge of hysteria. 
The crown of gilt and velvet had fallen off her royal 
head. She was wriggling convulsively in the arms 
of her devoted lover. 

“ Angel, my dear, dear girl, brace up ! ” he im- 
plored. 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 83 

“ Shall I get a doctor, sir ? ” asked the Envoy, 
obligingly. 

“ No. Go away, you — you monster ! ” shrieked the 
Queen. 

The Envoy Extraordinary, a trifle hurt, retreated 
to the far end of the room, and regarded the two in 
meek remonstrance. 

“ My dear love/’ implored the ever faithful Sir Roy, 
“ think of the reporters outside. We must do some- 
thing/’ 

“ Let the reporters say what they will,” screamed 
the Queen, excitedly. “ I am crushed ! I am de- 
feated ! I surrender ! I abdicate my throne on the 
spot ! ” 

“ Then think of me, dearest.” 

“ You ! Why should I think of you ? It’s myself 
I’ve to think of.” 

“Then think of the Vice-Queen,” continued Sir 
Roy, reproachfully. “ Think how she’ll gloat. I be- 
lieve she is outside listening. And hush, there’s the 
music, my dear. They are going to begin. Great 
guns, what shall we do ? ” 


8 4 


HATS OFF! 


When Sir Roy had mentioned the Vice-Queen, the 
eyelids of the Queen flickered twice. Now she gave 
one last convulsive wriggle, relaxed her limbs, stiff- 
ened with horror, and languidly opened her eyes. 

“ I suppose it isn’t your fault,” said the Queen, 
after she had gazed at the discomfited Augustus, who 
stood in a far corner of the room, twirling his property 
hat nervously around the forefinger of his left hand. 
“ But that atrocious Super Captain ! I shall never 
forgive him.” 

“ Oh, it ain’t the Cap.’s fault, ma’am, I do assure 
you,” cried Super No. 5 eagerly. “ The man the Cap. 
was goin’ to send has had his head bumped, ma’am. 
I know I can’t hold a candle to him, ma’am, but I’ll 
do my best, if you give me a chance. The Cap. says 
if you don’t think I’ll suit, you can fire me back, and 
there’s no bones broke, ma’am.” 

“ I must think, I must think,” muttered the dis- 
tracted Queen. 

“ Silence, fellow ! ” commanded Sir Roy, looking 
at his inamorata anxiously. 

“ I will not succumb to the jeers of my enemies, 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 85 

Roy. It is too late to go backwards. We must 9*0 
forwards, even if we have to drag that man with us.” 

“ You won’t have to drag me, ma’am,” promised 
Augustus cheerfully. “ You’ll find I’ll be able to keep 
up with the procession, ma’am.” 

“ There is nothing for it but to declare to all that 
the Envoy Extraordinary is seriously indisposed. 
That is why you called me in here, Roy, so hurriedly.” 

“ Then ain’t I goin’ to play the Envoy Extraordin- 
ary ? Don’t I suit, ma’am ? ” asked Higgins, 
anxiously. 

“You are going to be the deputy Envoy. Your 
master is supposed to be reclining on that bed there 
seriously indisposed with a severe attack of gout. Do 
you understand ? ” 

Augustus looked at the empty bed, a little puzzled. 

“ Well, I can’t say as I quite catch on, miss.” 

“ Listen, stupid ! ” impatiently interrupted Sir Roy. 

“ Look here, mister, I may be an Envoy and a super, 
but I don’t let folks call me stoopid and feller ! ” said 
Augustus with spirit. 

“ No, he shan’t,” promised the Queen soothingly. 


86 


HATS OFF! 


“ Now please listen to me Mr. Mr. — I think I don't 
know your name.” 

“ Higgins, Augustus Higgins,” replied Super No. 
5, “ at your service.” But he still looked sulkily at 
Sir Roy. 

“ Higgins,” murmured poor Angelica, sniiling 
faintly. “ That name will never do for an envoy. It 
must be De Vere Montmorencey. It's simply a more 
suitable name, that's all,” she added hastily, as she 
thought she saw the brow of Augustus wrinkle in 
ominous rebellion. “ Do you think you can remem- 
ber that name, Mr. Montmorencey ? " 

“ I’ll try,” replied Augustus. “ But I can't help 
feelin' that you’re kinder ashamed of me, ma’am. It 
seems to me Higgins is a name good enough for a 
king, so far as that goes.” 

“ So it is,” said the Queen. “ Only Montmorencey 
happens to be more fitted for a French Envoy, that’s 
all. I suppose you don’t know any French, Monsieur 
Montmorencey ? ” 

“ Not a great deal,” confessed Super No. 5. “ But 
maybe I can pan out with a kind of pigeon French.” 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 8/ 

“ Pigeon French ? What’s that, Flig — Montmor- 
encey ? ” demanded Sir Roy. 

“ It’s a little of each, sir. A good deal of English 
and a little French. Most of it’s English with a 
French twang.” 

“ Then if your French is not very fluent,” said the 
Queen, “ I would advise you to only pretend to speak 
when you are supposed to be making the speech at 
the throne. Now listen, Montmorencey, and I’ll tell 
you precisely what you have to do. You are De Vere 
Montmorencey, as I said. You are the secretary to 
the Envoy Extraordinary, who is confined sick in this 
room. You cannot be the Envoy Extraordinary him- 
self for the simple reason that we have described him 
as a person much taller than yourself. You will sim- 
ply have to advance to the throne on which I shall be 
sitting. You will have this casket in your hand. You 
will give it to me. Then you will pretend to make a 
speech. Roy will see that the band is playing loud 
enough to drown out what you say, so you can speak 
the first words that come into your head. Only be 
sure you mumble them. Now you are sure you under- 
stand about the Envoy Extraordinary, your master ? ” 


88 


HATS OFF! 


“Yes, ma'am. He’s supposed to be lyin’ on that 
there bed sick, just as I’m supposed to be takin’ his 
place as his deputy Envoy, and just as you’re supposed 
to be a real queen.” 

The Queen winced. 

“ Very well. Sir Roy will direct you in all. Keep 
your eyes on him. The people will be getting impa- 
tient. I must be going.” 

“ And here’s your crown, ma’am,” said Augustus, 
picking it up from the floor. “ But I’m afraid it’s 
dented, ma’am.” 

He brushed off the dust with the sleeve of his coat, 
and handed it to the Queen deferentially. 

“ Thank you,” said the Queen graciously. “ And 
now I really must be going. I shall see you again at 
the throne, Monsieur Montmorencey.” 

“ So long, ma’am,” said Augustus genially, waving 
his hands. 

“ Speak to no one,” were the Queen’s parting cau- 
tions. “ Hold up your head. Be sure you don’t get 
in front of me so as to hide me from the people. 
Don’t keep pulling down your cuffs like that. It’s 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 89 

ill-bred. Remember that you are a great personage, 
Mr. Higg — Montmorencey, and endeavor to look just 
as dignified and impressive as you possibly can.” 

“ You can bet on my doin’ me level best, ma’am,” 
promised Augustus solemnly. 

Very quietly the Queen went into the adjoining 
suite of rooms and locked the folding doors after her. 
Then she opened the door that led out into the corri- 
dor and called softly to the impatient Vice-Queen. 

“ What in the world is the matter ? ” cried the 
Queen’s rival, who was simply burning up with curi- 
osity. 

“ A great calamity,” replied the Queen hurriedly, 
“ has befallen us. His Excellency, the Envoy-in-chief 
is seriously indisposed, and cannot be present at the 
ceremony. He has had to delegate to his secretary 
the task of conferrring upon me the decoration of 
St. Martha.” 

“Is he in bed?” 

“ Yes.” 

“You don’t mean to say you have been in that 
room seeing him, Queen; and he in bed?” ex- 
claimed the Vice-Queen, in affected horror. 


9 o 


HATS OFF! 


“ Certainly not,” replied the Queen haughtily. “ My 
Roy has seen him, of course, and has told me every- 
thing. I must ask you please to permit me to set 
the etiquette of this court. If I chose to be alone 
with him at the North Pole it would be perfectly 
proper, if I set the example. Please remember the 
motto : The Queen can do no wrong, and hold your 
tongue. Is the procession formed ? ” 

“ Yes,” answered the subdued Vice-Queen, sulkily. 
“ And is my crown on straight ? ” 

“ Yes, I suppose so,” ungraciously admitted the 
Vice-Queen. 

“Then let the heralds blow their trumpets to an- 
nounce the entrance of myself and court.” 

The heralds lifted the trumpets to their lips, and 
shouted, “ Welcome to our gracious Queen ! ” The 
pages lifted the Queen’s train and let the thirteen feet 
of satin sag gracefully in the middle. The band 
played; the Dutch Fraus bowed; the guests craned 
their necks; and the Queen, calm and serene as if 
all were well, marched into the ball-room, at the head 
of her court, and minced down the lane made by the 
reverently admiring throng. 


HIGGINS BECOMES M. MONTMORENCEY. 91 

And in suite 123 Sir Roy poured instructions into 
the ears of De Vere Montmorencey, ne Higgins, who 
listened to the flare of the trumpets, the blare of the 
band, and the words of Sir Roy in a maze of bewilder- 
ment and of heart-quaking nervousness. 


CHAPTER VIII. 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY ! 

“ Well, Montmorencey, you think you understand 
perfectly ? ” asked Sir Roy, when he had thoroughly 
explained all the things that seemed necessary. 

“ I think so, sir/’ replied Augustus, giving a pull 
at his cuffs. 

“ Didn’t the Queen tell you that it was bad form to 
do that ? ” admonished Sir Roy, impatiently. “ And 
that dress-suit ! Any one would think you got it on 
Third Avenue.” 

“ That’s just where the Super Captain did get it, 
sir,” asserted Augustus, cheerfully. 

“ Third Avenue ! Heavens ! Hark ! That was a 
tap on the door, wasn’t it ? I’m going to announce 
you, Higgins. Keep cool. And don’t stand in the 
doorway so the reporters can see you when I open the 
door. Go into the bed-room with your chief. Lock 
the door after I’m gone.” 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY ! 


93 


Sir Roy quietly unlocked the door, Augustus re- 
treating to the bed-room until his employer had 
closed it ; then he came back in the sitting-room and 
locked it again, according to Sir Roy’s instructions. 

The reporters clamored about the latter, anxious for 
details. 

“ Look here, Mr. Poplar/’ cried one of the report- 
ers who had been on the dock when the escape had 
been made from the Paris , “ you promised us an in- 
terview with the Envoy. What’s the matter with 
him ? Is he made of glass ? Does he break when 
you look at him ? ” 

Sir Roy held up his hand for silence. 

“ Gentlemen,” he said, “ you cannot see the Envoy. 
It is impossible.” 

“ What, isn’t there going to be any parade — I mean 
function ? ” asked the reporter, indignantly. 

“ If you refer, sir, to the conferring of the Order of 
St. Martha on Queen Angelica, yes,” replied Sir Roy, 
angrily. 

“ Then why can’t we see the Envoy ? ” 

“ Simply because the Envoy-in-chief is suffering 


HATS OFF! 


94 

with a severe attack of the gout and is not able to 
leave his chamber. The secretary is to perform the 
ceremony instead.” 

“ What’s the name of the deputy, Mr. Poplar ? ” 

“ De Vere Montmorencey.” 

“ French, of course ? ” 

“ But speaks English fluently. And now, gentle- 
men, I must beg of you to let me pass.” 

“ What,” chorused the reporters, “ without any 
more facts, Mr. Poplar ? It’s a shame ! ” 

“ Without a glimpse of his nobs ? ” 

“ And they haven’t given us any tickets, and the 
flunkey in the cocked hat at the door won’t let us in, 
sir.” 

“ I will see that you have a very good view of the 
ceremony, if you will follow me, gentlemen.” 

Sir Roy led the way upstairs to a little gallery 
generally occupied by the musicians. The reporters, 
despairing of any interview either with the Envoy-in- 
chief or with his deputy, at least until after the cere- 
mony, crowded after him. 

“ Here you will have a splendid view,” he remarked, 
bowing himself out, and closing the door, 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY! 95 

u And we’re crowded like pigs in a poke,” grumbled 
a reporter. 

“ Yes,” chuckled Sir Roy, “ and you are separated, 
my goats, from the sheep. You will have no oppor- 
tunity to interview our hired Envoy, either. Before 
I unlock this door again he will be off into oblivion. 
I turn the key so.” 

And the treacherous Sir Roy turned the key on the 
guileless reporters. They were entrapped. As harm- 
less as turtle doves for the present. 

In the meanwhile Queen Angelica was casting a 
sweeping glance from her throne at her court of nine 
grown men, thirty women, and twenty-two children. 
She was surprised to see Sir Roy approach her, evi- 
dently anxious to speak with her. She beckoned to 
him majestically with her fan to draw near. 

“ Why this delay, Roy,” she whispered crossly. 
“ We are getting impatient. The supper is growing 
cold. The guests are yawning. My knees are 
cramped.” 

“ I just wanted to tell you, my dear,” whispered 
back Sir Roy, “ that I’ve locked the reporters in the 
gallery up there, so they can’t interview Higgins.” 


96 


HATS OFF! 


“ You needn’t have bothered me with this now. 
The news would have kept. And speak lower, that 
Vice-Queen is listening.’’ 

“ Yes, my dear, but I was going to suggest that 
I let the Envoy put on my court suit. He hired his 
dress-suit on Third Avenue. I know you wouldn’t 
want to contaminate the happy ceremony with a suit 
hired on Third Avenue.” 

“ You are a thoughtful boy, Roy. By all means 
dress him up in your court suit. But do be quick. 
I’m hungry for the applause of the people, and to see 
that doll-faced creature turn green with envy.” 

“ Here,” commanded Sir Roy, returning to the 
room in which Augustus was waiting, “ take off that 
suit, and put on these breeches.” 

“ Why, sir, ain’t this here dress-suit stylish 
enough ? ” he asked, somewhat disappointedly. “ It 
cost three dollars to hire it, sir. It seems a pity to 
waste it.” 

But when he was arrayed in the silk stockings, the 
satin coat, the court breeches, the powdered wig, and 
the sword, especially when he substituted a gorgeous 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY! 97 

pair of patent leathers with silver buckles for his own 
cracked shoes, he admitted gratefully that the change 
was a welcome one. 

“ By gum,” he said, as he tried to look at his back 
in the glass, “ I look like a real actor, don’t I, sir ? ” 

“ Mind that sword doesn’t get between your legs 
when you march to the throne,” cautioned Sir Roy. 
“ And don’t go pulling at the lace of your sleeves. 
They aren’t cuffs, you booby.” 

“ All right, sir ; I feel like a high-toned sort of guy 
this time for fair. I know how a dook feels now.” 

“ That’s the way to feel,” cordially encouraged Sir 
Roy. “ You can’t have the feelings of a person too 
high in rank to play the part well. Feel like a pope 
or a king while you’re about it. Now I’m going to 
introduce you.” 

Then the pages and the heralds and the lords and 
ladies-in-waiting who had been languishing about the 
throne, rose to their feet. 

Sir Roy advanced toward the throne. The ladies- 
in-waiting stepped aside from the ermine rug to give 
the Queen the center of the stage. She extended her 
hand. Sir Roy kissed it reverently. 


9 8 


HATS OFF! 


“ Madame Queen, an audience is demanded by M. 
Montmorencey, the Envoy of Prince Geoffrey de La 
Fleur.” 

Smiling graciously, the Queen arose from her 
throne, giving a secret kick to her train. 

“ We are pleased to receive his Royal Highness’s 
commands,” said the Queen. 

“ Welcome to M. Montmorencey, the Envoy Ex- 
traordinary of His Royal Highness, Prince Geoffrey 
de La Fleur ! ” cried the heralds, placing the trumpets 
to their ruby lips. 

Augustus Higgins trembled visibly when Sir Roy 
threw open the door and beckoned to him to advance. 

“ I feel bloomin’ like runnin’ away, sir,” he whis- 
pered to Sir Roy, who had come forward to meet him. 

“ Nonsense,” sharply rebuked Sir Roy. “ Remem- 
ber who you are and brace up. Take my arm.” 

That was precisely the trouble. Augustus did re- 
member who he was — a common, everyday super- 
numerary, and he didn’t feel comfortable. A hundred 
electric lights dazzled his eyes. Plalf a thousand 
guests dazzled his senses. It was difficult for him to 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY! 99 

reach up gracefully to Sir Roy’s arm, and he had the 
appearance of hanging on it. The sword persisted in 
getting between his legs. The people buzzed a wel- 
come. The band was playing “ Hail to the Chief.” 
The reporters were laughing up in the gallery. And 
so Augustus, under the guidance of Sir Roy, pursued 
his erratic way to the throne. 

First of all came a page, in sky-blue tights, bearing 
on high a red-plush cushion, hung with cords and 
tassels, quite as plump and gorgeous as any pulpit 
affair, and nestling on its downy surface was the casket 
of ribbons and plush containing the coveted Order of 
St. Martha. 

Then followed two other pages in variegated tights. 
And then, as Lord High Chancellor, an old gentle- 
man who should have known better, an old gentleman 
with a long, white beard, a scarlet gown, and an er- 
mine cape. He waved his wand and pranced after 
the pages in the greatest enthusiasm, and in decidedly 
reckless abandon, all the while admonishing the pages 
in front to go slowly but not so domned slow. 

And then, the observed of all observers, came Au- 


Lofc 


IOO 


HATS OFF! 


gustus Higgins, Super No. 5, alias De Vere Mont- 
morencey, clinging terrified and quite overcome with 
stage-fright, to Sir Roy’s sustaining arm. 

“ We are almost there, Montmorency, old chap,” 
soothingly whispered Sir Roy. “Jove, how your 
knees are shaking. You are out of step. Do you 
hear, change step. Here, I’ll change step instead. 
Can’t you take a longer stride ? The sword’s between 
your legs again.” 

The last admonition was given too late. The En- 
voy Extraordinary slipped violently on the the waxed 
floor, to the Queen’s infinite chagrin and the delight 
of the malicious Vice-Queen. 

“ Now is the time for disappearing,” she giggled 
to one of the ladies-in-waiting. 

“ What is this show, anyway ? ” asked one of the 
irrepressible reporters, “ an opera bouffe, a masked 
ball, a tableau vivant, or a dance at the lunatic 
asylum ? ” 

“ No,” answered another reporter, “ it’s a giddy, 
glittering, wildly incoherent pageant and jumble of a 
circus parade, that’s what it is,” 


Rats Off to the envoy ! 


ioi 


“ And that Envoy himself/' grumbled another re- 
porter, “ I must say he isn’t so much of a muchness. 
I’ll bet dollars to pickles that he wasn’t made in 
France.” 

Sir Roy, very red in the face, hauled the humiliated 
Envoy to his feet. 

“ But when the sky is clearing, then is the time for 
reappearing,” giggled the Vice-Queen, convulsively. 

They were standing before the throne. 

“ I am pleased to meet the Envoy of His Royal 
Highness,” murmured the Queen. 

Sir Roy nudged Augustus in the ribs. Augustus 
took the bauble offered him by the page from its 
plump cushion, and cleared his throat. 

“ Hush, he’s going to make a speech,” whispered 
the guests. 

“ Say something, you idiot. Anything, everything, 
nothing,” whispered Sir Roy, savagely. 

Augustus did say anything, everything, nothing. 

“ Parlez-vous Frangais ? ” muttered his blanched 
lips. “ Hawaii, Venezuela, Prince go-ahead, the 
flower.” 


102 


HATS OFF! 


“ Splendid ! ” whispered Sir Roy. “ Keep it up/’ 

Thus encouraged, Augustus plunged on : “ Ex 

pluribus unum Dickery dickery dock ” 

“ Louder ! ” shouted the reporters in the gallery, 
fiddling with their pencils and pads. 

Augustus licked his lips and continued his jumble 
of geographical names, proper names, and nursery 
rhymes, not louder, but even more fluently : 

“ Santiago de Cuba Illolilio Guggenheimer, Sahara 
Desert and Midway Plaisance, the pussv fell into the 
well ! ” 

The Queen gazed placidly around at her subjects, 
and waved her fan slowly in majestic triumph. The 
guests strained their ears to no purpose ; the reporters 
called louder to no purpose. Augustus had slidden 
smoothly on to the diseases of the human body: 

“ Appendicitis, bronchitis, larinyxgitis, gangrene, 
peritonitis, Order of St. Martha.” 

(Loud applause, as Augustus pauses for breath. 
Applause led off by the enthusiastic Sir Roy at an 
admonitory wink from the Queen). 

“ Queen Angelica,” continued Augustus, refreshed 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY i to$ 

by the long breath and the applause, “ parlez-vous 
Frangais, ici habla Espagnol.” 

“ Why, he must be talking real French, because I 
can’t understand a word of it,” whispered the Vice- 
Queen to the lady-in-waiting. “ These Frenchmen 
talk so fast. But I don’t believe that she can under- 
stand either.” 

“ De Vere Montmorencey, Super Captain Frivolity 
Theater Richard Croker, Tarrytown-on-Hudson, 
Kalamazoo Aguinaldo Isaacsstein Y. M. C. A., 
Order of St. Martha of Mt. Ararat, Queen Angelica 
la-la-la-la-/a-la.” 

With this peroration of magnificent rubbish, Sir 
Roy brought his remarkable speech to a conclusion. 
And if words of pearl had dropped from his lips, they 
could not possibly have been hailed with more frantic 
applause, this time led off by the merry old gentleman 
of the scarlet coat. 

“ And now, dear Mr. Hig — Montmorencey, put the 
order around my neck, and please be sure that you 
don’t catch any of my hairs or ruffle my bangs.” 

Tremulously Augustus opened the casket, and tore 


104 


HATS OFF! 


from its Wrappings the Order. The Queen stood mo- 
tionless, her slender neck bowed to receive the yoke. 
Augustus stood on tiptoe, and raised himself to his 
full height of five feet seven. With a desperate swing 
of his short but willing arms he flashed the Order 
over her royal shoulder. Then seven ladies-in-waiting 
applied seven safety pins to make it secure. 

Augustus stood silent, his head bowed reverently, 
his eyes fixed on the white satin slippers of the Queen. 

“ There’s a roll in the casket,” whispered Sir Roy. 
“ Give her that.” 

“ It’s French, you see,” were the Queen’s gracious 
words, as the ladies-in-waiting pressed about her 
eager to read. 

“ It’s lovely,” murmured the double-faced Vice- 
Queen, throwing herself on the Queen’s neck, and 
showering deceitful kisses on her majesty. 

Queen Angelica responded to this hysterical oscular 
demonstration but coldly. She knew perfectly well 
that the Vice-Queen’s pretense of affection was purely 
for stage effect and to show off her bonnet of royal 
purple and baby blue. And she was sure that the 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY ! 10 $ 

Vice-Queen knew that this bonnet of purple and baby 
blue was a distinct infringement of her own patent 
rights to royal color. So the Queen turned away her 
cheek and had speedy recourse to her smelling salts. 

“ I wonder what’s on the programme next ? ” asked 
a reporter making note of all these things. “ Look at 
that clown of an Envoy, will you ? Don’t he sit on 
that seat by the Queen with the grace of a bag of 
potatoes ? ” 

That was not because Augustus Higgins could help 
it, but because the sub-throne by the side of the Queen 
was raised too high from the ermine rug for his feet 
to touch the floor. He had no hassock as did the 
Queen. It is hard to sit gracefully under those cir- 
cumstances. 

Queen Angelica did not allow any halt to take place 
at this juncture of the proceedings She was afraid 
that some officious Dutch Frau would attempt to air 
off her French on the Envoy. So she whispered to 
Sir Roy, and an ordinary nineteenth century bell-boy 
of the Rotterdam rolled up the ermine rug that was 
spread before the throne, and carried it away, very 


HATS OFF! 


106 

much as do the circus employes before the elephant 
is brought in. 

Then the electrician turned on dozens of electric 
lights ©f prismatic colors, and a flood of effulgence 
glowed on the throne and the crown and the spangles 
and silver and gold ; and the pages and the lords and 
ladies-in-waiting began a slow and stately minuet, the 
Queen and Augustus looking on from the two 
thrones. 

“ Isn’t it magnificent ? ” whispered the Queen. 
“ Really, Montmorencey, you have done better than 
I expected.” 

“ It’s out of sight, ma’am,” sighed Augustus in an 
awed voice. “ I must say that this here pomp and 
glitter suits me right down to the ground. I feel that 
I was cut out for this sort of thing, ma’am.” 

“I am glad you are enjoying it,” said the. Queen 
graciously. “ But don’t keep your mouth open so 
wide, Montmorencey ; it’s bad form and its unhy- 
gienic.” 

Augustus feasted his eyes on the Queen’s magnifi- 
cent gown. He wondered at the varied costumes of 


HATS OFF TO THE ENVOY! 10? 

the guests and of the Dutch Fraus, some of the era 
of William the Conqueror, some in the trappings of 
the time of Louis XV, some in honest buff and blue, 
the dress of the stalwart men who signed the Declara- 
tion of Independence and fought that these United 
States should be free from all the fancies of a foolish, 
gaudy court and the whims of a yet more foolish 
monarch, ruling by the mere accident of hereditary 
right. He wondered why the ladies had queer little 
pieces of black sticking-plaster on their faces and 
chests, and whether the patches had the same effect 
as mustard plasters in cases of mild pleurisy. 

'‘Yes, ma'am, it's a great show,” he sighed again. 
“ F-mense ! Simply ^-mense ! ” 

“ And now, Roy, I think Montmorencey had better 
go,” whispered the Queen. “ And be sure that the 
reporters do not get at him.” 

“ No fear of that, my dear. They are locked up in 
that gallery until I choose to let them out. Now 
then, Higgins, give the Queen a good hearty farewell 
salaam, and say good-night, and be careful of that 
sword this time. Don’t clutch my arm so tight. It’s 
all black and blue.” 


HATS OFF ! 


10S 

“ And don’t tread all over my train,” admonished 
the Queen. “And be sure you don’t stand so as to 
hide me from the sight of the people.” 

“ Oh, isn’t the Envoy going to stay to supper ? ” 
asked the ladies-in-waiting, as Augustus clutched the 
arm of Sir Roy for the retreat from the room. 

“ No, my dears,” blandly replied the Queen. “ You 
see he’s a vegetarian and a total abstainer, and his 
principles wouldn’t allow him to enjoy the supper. 
Then he is so anxious to get back to his chief to tell 
him all about the ceremony. I felt it would be cruel 
to detain him.” 

“ Great Caesar, he’s going ! ” howled the reporters, 
making a bolt for the door as Sir Roy led the pseudo- 
envoy out of the ball-room. 

“ Hurry up, Higgins,” whispered Sir Roy, savagely, 
as he cast an anxious glance up at the gallery. “ That 
pack of wolves will find they’re locked in before an- 
other five seconds. Then if they get at you, the cat 
will be out of the bag with a vengeance. Step up 
lively now.” 


CHAPTER IX. 


THE ENVOY CRIES FOR MORE. 

Once outside the ball-room, Sir Roy did not stop 
until they had reached the elevator. 

“ Good-night, my dear fellow,” he said hurriedly, 
as he pressed the button. “ So sorry to pack you off 
in this unceremonious fashion. I would have the ser- 
vants give you a glass of champagne and some salad ; 
but these reporters, you know. I don’t dare let them 
out until you are gone. You understand that, of 
course. Good-bye. Good-night.” 

But Augustus mildly refused to be dismissed in this 
peremptory fashion. Not only was his dignity sadly 
ruffled, but the Super Captain had given him explicit 
instructions not to return without payment for his 
distinguished and unique services. These instructions 
he intended to carry out. So he held Sir Roy confiden- 
tially by a button of his waistcoat, and with his head 
on one side, addressed him thus: 


[109] 


no 


HATS OFF! 


“ But you've forgot something, sir.” 

“ Forgotten ? Forgotten ? ” repeated Sir Roy, 
nervously. “ Oh, certainly, Higgins.” He held out 
a dollar bill. “ Tip, you mean.” 

The little ex-pseudo-envoy drew himself up with the 
hauteur of a prince and put his hands behind his back. 

“ No, sir, not by a long shot.” 

“ Well, what ? ” demanded Sir Roy, trying to 
wrench himself away. 

“ My boss, the Super Captain. He’s got to be paid 
spot cash.” 

“ Oh, I’ll attend to him later,” promised Sir Roy. 
“ Here, don’t tear off that button, Higgins.” 

“ No, sir, that won’t do,” insisted Augustus, hang- 
ing desperately to the waitscoat button. “ Beggin’ 
your humble pardon and the Queen’s humble pardon, 
sir, the boss says the Queen’s bad pay.” 

“ You are an impudent fellow,” said Sir Roy, grow- 
ing very red in the face. “ I am disappointed in you. 
I hoped that I discerned a germ of romance in your 
low nature. I see that I am mistaken. If you will be 
so good as to release me, I will reimburse Mr. Jones.” 


THE ENVOY CRIES FOR MORE. 


Ill 


When this was done, he pushed Augustus once more 
towards the elevator, which was now waiting for him. 

“ I hope there’s no offense,” said Augustus earn- 
estly. “ I’ve had a bully time, sir, and I wouldn’t want 
the Queen to think that I wasn’t grateful. But biz. is 
biz., you know.” 

Augustus heaved a reluctant sigh as the elevator 
descended at the thought of leaving all this grandeur. 
He had performed an onerous task, not without 
glory. He had tasted the sweets of power. He had 
been somebody. Now he was to be nobody again. 
He was going back to the theater to have his toes 
trodden on when he was out of step, to be sworn at, 
to dress up as a ruffian at an English race-track, to 
be pushed about by the scene-shifters. It was very 
hard, and he sighed again. 

With the departure of Higgins, Sir Roy, too, had 
sighed. But with a sigh of deep satisfaction that the 
super was off his hands without anything serious hav- 
ing occurred. Let the people suspect what they might, 
with the purser and Higgins safely spirited away, they 
could prove nothing. A few judicious and ingenious 


112 


HATS OFF ! 


fibs, concocted between Angelica and himself, would 
explain the sudden disappearance of the Envoy-in- 
chief and of his secretary. 

So Roy lighted a cigarette, and complacently 
strolled up the stairway to the gallery where the im- 
prisoned reporters were angrily rattling the door and 
demanding that they be released. 

A chorus of indignant howls greeted him. 

“ What's the meaning of this, Mr. Poplar ? ” 

“ It’s a shabby trick.” 

“ You can’t expect any mercy from us, sir, if you 
treat the press in this way. What does it mean ? ” 
Sir Roy was perfectly willing for them to expostu- 
late with him just as much as they wanted to. That 
would only make Higgins’s escape the more sure. So 
he made no reply. He simply smiled craftily and 
shrugged his shoulders as they demanded an inter- 
view with the Envoy and threatened all sorts of 
revenge. Then when the maddened reporters saw 
that Sir Roy evidently held the trump card, and that 
expostulation was useless, they became less turbulent. 
They awaited his explanation, frowning at him an- 
grily. 


THE ENVOY CRIES FOR MORE. II3 

“ Gentlemen,” said Sir Roy with great deliberation, 
“ I beg you to accept my sincere apologies for the 
childish joke that has been perpetrated upon you, by 
whomsoever it was played. As you say, it was a 
shabby trick. But, really, gentlemen, so far as I am 
concerned, have you cause for complaint ? I have 
afforded you an excellent opportunity of seeing the 
ceremony. As to the interview, that I must deny you. 
The Envoy, as you know, is seriously indisposed. 
His secretary is now with his chief, and expressly 
wishes not to be disturbed. To-morrow, per- 
haps ” 

Sir Roy shrugged his shoulders, and inhaled his 
cigarette with a deep breath. 

The reporters smiled skeptically. 

“ It sounds very much like a fish story,” declared 
one of the “ Yellows.” 

“ But,” continued Sir Roy hastily, ignoring the last 
remark, “ the Queen has sent me to you to request 
that you will join us at the pleasures of the table. 
There is champagne, gentlemen, and Sir Walter Ra- 
leigh cigars, and •” 


HATS OFF! 


1 14 

“ Thank you, Mr. Poplar/' cried the reporters in 
one voice. 

“ And I am sure you will find that the very interest- 
ing speeches that will be given there will give you 
quite half a column. Will you follow me to the ban- 
queting hall, gentlemen ? ” 

“ Will we follow? ” chuckled the reporters. “ Well, 
rather.” 

Thus did the crafty Sir Roy cover the defeat of 
Higgins. 

In the meanwhile Augustus had been escorted to 
the rear entrance of the hotel, where a cab was in 
waiting. If the head of Super No. 5 had not, meta- 
phorically speaking, been giddily revolving on his 
shoulders in a perfect whirl of bewilderment at the 
splendor of the scene in which he taken part, he would 
have noticed that the elevator-boy, the hall-boys, the 
porters, the clerks, and the guests were all amazedly 
staring at the court breeches and the sword that he 
still wore. But Sir Roy had been so wildly eager to 
get him off, and Augustus himself had been dismissed 
so hurriedly and was so bewildered, that neither of 


THE ENVOY CRIES FOR MORE. I15 

them had thought of changing the costume of Sir Roy 
for the dress-suit which he had worn when he first 
came to the hotel. 

So one hand clutching the roll of bills, the other 
keeping the sword from between his legs, Augustus 
followed a giggling hall-boy to the closed cab waiting 
for him at the rear entrance. 

“ Permit me to open the door,” cried one of the 
night clerks, who had hurried after them. ” Won’t 
you need an overcoat, sir ? ” 

As in a dream Augustus passed the obsequious 
night clerk, shaking his head. 

“ He’s dopey,” sniggered the hall-boy. 

“ Must be going to a dress party, I suppose,” re- 
marked the night clerk to the telegraph operator. 
“ It’s the Envoy, you know, of Queen Angelica.” 

“ Where to, sir ? ” asked the hall-boy with great re- 
spect, as he held open the carriage door. 

Augustus awoke from his dream. 

“ That’s it. Where to ? ” he thought bitterly. 
44 Back to the theater to put on a kakhi suit, a pair of 
coarse cowhide boots, to carry a gun in a tournament 


HATS OFF! 


I 16 

scene, as Super No. 5 ? No, no ! He couldn’t, he 
simply couldn’t. He would put off returning to his 
plebeian surroundings as long as possible. So he 
answered calmly : “ 657 Fifth Avenue.” 

The hall-boy did not slam the door. He closed it 
gently, whistling softly to himself. 657 was the 
residence of the richest man in New York, one of the 
richest in the world. 

“ Drive more slowly, cabby,” cried Augustus, pok- 
ing his head out of the window. He wanted time to 
think what he would do when the cab arrived at the 
address he had given. He held his head, throbbing 
with excitement, in his hands and tried to think. 

“ Now, Alexander the Great,” he muttered, “ got 
bilious because he hadn’t any more worlds to conquer. 
That’s somethin’ like my fix, too, only there’s worlds 
enough for me, if I only knew where to find ’em. I 
feel like that fiction boy, Oliver Twist, I read of. I’m 
cryin’ for more — not more porridge, like him, nor 
Castoria, like the babies, but for more honors. I’ve 
got it in the blood, and it’s got to come out ; it’s like 
measles,” 


THE ENVOY CRIES FOR MORE. 117 

The carriage door opened. The cabman was stand- 
ing outside in the rain, touching his hat. “ Here 
y’are, your honor.” 

Augustus started violently. The house to which he 
had ordered the cab driven was ablaze with light. 
There was a long striped awning leading up to the 
broad steps, and a footman at the carriage door hold- 
ing open an umbrella. 

“ Golly,” groaned Augustus, in an agony of em- 
barrassment, “ what’ll I do now ? ” 

“ Dress-party, your honor ? ” remarked the cab- 
man, pleasantly, untangling Augustus’ sword from 
between his legs. 

Then for the first time Super No. 5 noticed that he 
still wore Sir Roy’s court costume. Just for one wild, 
delirious moment, he was tempted to walk boldly up 
that awning, under the protection of that cringing 
flunkey’s umbrella, to enter that wide portal of light, 
to mingle with the wealthiest and most exclusive set 
of New York. “ But only to be fired out bodily,” he 
thought bitterly. So he affected to have forgotten 
something, and said : 


HATS OFF! 


i iS 

“ You drive back to the hotel, cabby. I’ve forgot 
somethin’.” 

“ I must think and hurry up, too,” cried Augustus, 
staring up at the roof of the cab for inspiration. 
“ Now what am I goin’ to do when I get back to that 
hotel ? Well, I’ve got to change these togs for one 
thing, that’s sure. I’ve got to get back that dress- 
suit again of Isaacs. That’s a dandy excuse for gettin* 
back. And then when I’m in Isaac’s togs again, 
what’ll I do ? Be fired out, I s’pose. But if I’d the 
price, by gum, I’d have a private soot and a good 
time for once. Gee, if’d only the price.” 

And then he looked, fascinated, at the bills Sir Roy 
had paid him to give to the Super Captain. He had 
held them unnoticed in his hand all this while. 

“ Thirty-five of ’em,” muttered Augustus, waver- 
ing, as he counted them. “ Thirty-five ! I could get 
a room easy for that and have a bully time, too. It’s 
the boss’s wad, but I’ve got as big a one at home. 
I could pay him back. By the great horn spoon, I’ll 
do it. I’ll raise holy jinks somehow. It’s only once 
in your life you’re a high-toned Envoy Extry-ordi- 
nary.” 


THE ENVOY CRIES FOR MORE. 


119 


And so, with a wildly exultant heart, Augustus 
again poked his head out of the window, and shouted : 
“ Get on there, will you ? Are you goin’ to be all 
night ? ” 

‘ We’re almost there, your honor.” 

“ Front door, you bloomin’ cabby. Drive up there 
in style, too, you — you feller” 

“ Front entrance it is, your honor,” cried the cab- 
man, jumping down from his box and opening the 
door. 

“ Gee-whiz ! ” chuckled Augustus, “ I called him a 
feller, and he didn’t swipe me.” Then more insolently 
(Augustus was fast learning aristocratic manners) : 

“ Hold up that umb’rella higher, you fool.” 

And Augustus passed haughtily within the hotel a 
second time, having first paid the cabman with two 
of the Super Captain’s dollars. 


CHAPTER X. 


THE VICE-QUEEN IS INQUISITIVE. 

Queen Angelica, her suite, and her guests. Sir 
Roy and his reporters, were making merry in the 
banquet hall. Sir Roy had whispered to his beloved 
that he had managed to get Montmorencey out of the 
way without exciting the suspicion of a single soul. 
So that Sir Roy and the Queen felt that they had 
ample justification for making exceeding hilariously 
merry. 

The reporters likewise abandoned themselves to the 
good things of the table. The feast gave them the 
material of quite as good a story as an interview with 
the Envoy Extraordinary would have done. Even the 
funny paragraphers were afforded some comfort by 
the spirited speech of Sir Knight Hogan, who pleaded 
eloquently that the office of National Genealogist be 
created, to the end that this personage might obviate 

[120] 


THE VICE-QUEEN IS INQUISITIVE. 


121 


the heart-breaking- delays to which some of the Dutch 
Fraus had been subjected in filling up their respective 
ancestries. 

But the Vice-Queen and the youngest of the re- 
porters were as sulky and unhappy as an embalmed 
beef army contractor under the cross-fire of questions 
of a court-martial. 

The Vice-Queen had been persistently snubbed by 
the Queen the whole evening. The malicious and 
triumphant glances of her rival had rankled deep in 
her bosom. These glances said as plainly as they 
could : “ Oh, I know you suspect that something is 
wrong, you mean, hateful, contemptible thing. Well, 
there is something wrong. But prove it. You can’t ! 
You never can. So there ! ” And all the time that 
the Queen’s glances were speaking these envenomed 
words, she was pressing on the enraged Vice pate-de- 
fois-gras, and caviare, and ice cream, and saying in 
her sweetest manner, “ Why, dear, where is your ap- 
petite ? You are eating nothing, love.” But when 
one is on pins and needles with curiosity, it is natural 
that one’s appetite suffers. And the Vice-Queen, toy- 


122 


HATS OFF ! 


in g with her fork, was wondering and scheming how 
she could have vengeance. 

At last she could no longer endure the Queen’s 
hypocritical attentions. She abruptly excused herself, 
murmuring that the last train for Nutley, N. J., left 
in half an hour. And the Queen hurled a parting shot 
at her byremarking in a loud, stage whisper to the lord 
chancellor at her right that it must be inconvenient 
to be a suburbanite, especially when one is doomed 
to pine in Jersey, far away from sweetness and light. 

Young Pennington, too, was unhappy. Because, 
as is fitting for a cub reporter, he had followed humbly 
on the heels of his more illustrious brethren, only to 
find that every seat at the table reserved for the 
gentlemen of the press was already occupied. Too 
acutely conscious of his unworthiness to signal a 
waiter to bring another chair, much less to nudge 
the next man to move over a little, he had beaten an 
unnoticed and blushing retreat to the smoking-room 
downstairs, where he smoked many more cigarettes 
than were good for him. And as he smoked he wal- 
lowed in self-contempt. He knew perfectly well that 


THE VICE-QUEEN IS INQUISITIVE. 1 23 

the city editor of the Courier would say disagreeable 
things because he was missing all the funny things 
that the other papers would have to-morrow morning, 
and yet he felt that he would sooner fling himself over 
one of the docks of the North River than go back 
and face the grins of the half dozen reporters. So he 
called himself all the bad names that he could think 
of. He wondered if he would make life more of a suc- 
cess by taking a trip to the Klondyke, or by enlisting 
and being drafted to the Philippines. His big brother 
had been one of the very best reporters of the Courier 
that a city editor had ever sworn at. He was even 
famous, because he had written a play, “ A Cheque 
for Three Thousand,” that had run one hundred and 
fifty nights at the Lyric Theater. What would he 
say when he heard that his kid brother had fallen 
down so on his very first important assignment ? 
What would Mr. Richardson say, the assistant city 
editor and the bosom friend of his big brother ? 

And then, while he was gloomily weighing the re- 
spective merits of the Klondyke and a battlefield at 
Manila, he heard a waiter at his elbow say: 


124 


HATS OFF! 


“ Well, that Envoy chap of the Queen’s is goin’ 
the pace, ain’t he, Bill ? ” 

Young Pennington turned gently about in his seat, 
so as to face the speaker. He listened breathlessly. 

“ Why, what’s he doin’ ? ” asked Bill with indiffer- 
ence. 

“ Doin’ ! Why he’s up there in suite 123, and he’s 
keepin’ the indicator whirlin’ like a base-ball every 
three minutes, calling for high-priced grub and cigars, 
and cool drinks with straws. And maybe he ain’t a 
graft ! I’m workin’ the small-change racket on him 
in great shape.” 

“ Why, ain’t he eatin’ with the rest of the show 
actor crowd of the Queen ? ” 

“ No. He’s having a good time all alone.” 

Pennington was very young and very green. But 
he had a nose long enough for news to scent out a 
story here. To the other reporters at the banquet 
Sir Roy had told that the Envoy was indisposed. 
But the waiter had just said that he was getting dys- 
pepsia by eating and drinking much more than was 
good for him. If Pennington could only see him ! 


THE VICE-QUEEN IS INQUISITIVE. 1 25 

It would be a dead beat. It sounded as if the Envoy 
was in an agreeable state of mind. Perhaps he could 
be got to talk. Perhaps there would be a racy inter- 
view. Perhaps he wasn’t going to fall down on his 
assignment after all. He wouldn’t have to enlist or 
go to the Klondyke. He rushed upstairs to suite 123. 

And as he was walking rapidly down the corridor 
to the room a hubbub of voices greeted his ears. And 
far above the hubub a husky, stentorian voice was 
bawling out this remarkable ditty, in a very uncertain 
key : 

“ Hoop-e-doodle-doodle-de, 

Workin’ hon the boulevard.” 

Heavens ! Could that be the Envoy ? Penning- 
ton quickened his pace. 

It was not the Envoy. It was the ex-Envoy. 

It was the purser, who had spent several dollars of 
the money Roy had given him in intoxicating bever- 
ages, and had now come back to the hotel with a 
drunken man’s steadfastness of purpose to cause a dis- 
turbance, 


126 


HATS OFF! 


Angry voices were exhorting him to silence. But 
the purser would not be silenced because he was 
drunk. 

“ ’Ere, ’ere, wo’re you ? ” he was crying to the ser- 
vants of the hotel, who were vainly endeavoring to 
pacify him. “ D’ye know w’o I am ? I’m a henvoy 
— Queen Angelica’s henvoy, you son of a cea-cook.” 

“You are drunk and you must get out of here !” 
cried a clerk. 

And the purser was hustled into a freight elevator 
and rapidly consigned to oblivion. 

Pennington excitedly accosted a hall-boy. 

“ Look here, boy. I’m a reporter — on the Courier. 
Who was that man ? Why did he say he was the 
Envoy ? ” 

Some one touched his arm. Pennington turned 
around. He recognized the Vice-Queen. 

“ You are a reporter, did you say ? ” she asked. 

“ Yes,” answered Pennington, eagerly. “ On the 
Courier .” 

“ Then let me talk to you. I can tell you a great 
many more interesting things than that hall-boy can.” 


THE VICE-QUEEN IS INQUISITIVE. 1 27 

“ Thank you, — thank you very much,” said Pen- 
nington gratefully. 

“ I see you’ve noticed it yourself that there is some- 
thing strange about that Envoy.” 

She pointed at the door of 123. 

The reporter nodded eagerly. “ But the drunken 
fellow ? ” 

“ That’s precisely the queer thing. Half a dozen 
people here are ready to swear that that man came in 
this hotel as the Envoy Extraordinary in the company 
of Sir Roy. He called himself the Envoy. You heard 
him.” 

“ Yes, I’ll catch him before they get rid of him.” 

Pennington raised his hand to push the button for 
the elevator. 

“ No, no !” cried the Vice-Queen, arresting his 
arm. “ If that is the Envoy, who is the man in there ? ” 

“ The Envoy-in-chief, I suppose,” said Pennington, 
looking longingly at the door. 

“ Perhaps ! ” The Vice-Queen lifted her eyebrows 
skeptically. “ You are a reporter, and aren’t reporters 
paid to find out just such things as these ? ” 


128 


HATS OFF ! 


“ As these ? ” repeated Pennington, vaguely. 

“ As to why the Queen smuggled off the Envoy 
so soon after the ceremony; why that drunken man 
called himself the Envoy; why the Envoy-in-chief is 
reported to be indisposed, and yet is eating and drink- 
ing very indigestible things for a sick man. You are 
not very bright, it seems to me, if you can’t see some- 
thing decidedly queer in all these things.” 

“ If I could only get into that room,” said Penning- 
ton, longingly. 

“ And is that so difficult for an enterprising re- 
porter ? ” sneered the Vice-Queen. “ Dear me, it’s 
ten o’clock and I shall miss my train ! Good-night.” 

“ No, no,” cried Pennington. “ Don’t go away, 
please, without giving me a hint as to how I could get 
into that room. You have told me so much. Tell 
me that, too.” 

“ Oh, no, I couldn’t do that. But the waiter could 
show you the way, I expect, if you coaxed him.” 

“ Waiter ? ” asked Pennington, puzzled. 

“ Is the difference so great, then, between the dress- 
suit of a waiter and your own ? Your evening clothes 


THE VICE-QUEEN IS INQUISITIVE. I2Q 

fit better, no doubt, and are of better material. But a 
towel on your left arm, and an obliging air would 
accomplish much. As for the waiter, he wouldn’t 
object greatly to the change for a few minutes — 
especially if he were paid a five-dollar bill. But I 
mustn’t stay a minute longer. I shall miss my train.” 

“ By Jove, madame, I’m obliged to you,” cried the 
reporter, eagerly, as the light dawned upon him. He 
snapped his fingers at a waiter who was just coming 
out of 123, to attract his attention. 

“ Oh, you are quite welcome. Your paper is the 
Courier , you say ? I shall read it to-morrow with 
interest. I am sure you will find something of interest 
about that Envoy, if you are only resourceful and 
clever. You can’t make your account too ridiculous.” 

“ You are too good,” said the reporter, gratefully. 
“ And you won’t tell any other reporters ? ” 

“ I know none to whom I could tell anything. 
Good-night.” 

“ I think I shall be even with the Queen,” said the 
Vice-Queen, smiling to herself in a self-satisfied 


manner. 


CHAPTER XI. 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 

The man at whom Pennington had snapped his 
fingers was waiting impatiently. The reporter took 
him aside. There was no time for diplomatic over- 
tures. So he came right to the point at issue. 

“ Waiter, I suppose you wouldn’t mind earning five 
dollars ? ” 

“ Not much, sir,” grinned the waiter. 

“ I’ll tell you how to do it,” promised the reporter. 

“ All right, sir. Just as soon as I’ve got some more 
deviled crabs for his nobs in there. It’s the Envoy, 
you know. He’s eatin’ and drinkin’ everything in 
sight.” 

“ Just let me take those deviled crabs into his nob’s 
room. Do you understand ? That’s the way precisely 
I want you to earn the five dollars.” 

“ What’s he been doin’ ? ” whispered the waiter. 
“ Are you a detective ? ” 

[130] 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 131 

“ No, no. Only a reporter. Here’s my badge. I 
just want to interview the man, that’s all. Let me go 
in as a waiter, and I’ll give you five now, and five more 
to-morrow if you’ve kept mum and haven’t given 
away the snap to the other reporters.” 

“ I’ll be back with the crabs in a minute,” said 
the waiter. 

Pennington waited for the man in a fever of impa- 
tience. His chance had come, if only Angelica and 
the rest of the reporters did not leave the table for 
fifteen more minutes. And he was almost certain 
that they wouldn’t, because there was the speech- 
making to follow the supper. Would that waiter 
never come ? What should he do when he did get 
inside ? 

“ Here you are, sir,” said the waiter, returning with 
the deviled crabs. “ ’Twon’t make no dif. if you do 
make breaks. That guy inside won’t know what’s 
what. Pie may be an Envoy, but he ain’t a gentle- 
man.” 

Pennington seized the proffered tray with trembling 
hands. The waiter knocked at the door, pushed it 
open, and Pennington entered. 


132 


HATS OFF! 


Augustus Higgins, Super No. 5, late De Vere 
Montmorencey, Envoy Extraordinary, was enjoying 
himself exceedingly. Indeed, never in his life had he 
enjoyed himself half so much. He had taken off the 
patent leathers to ease his feet. His legs were crossed, 
resting on the table. A large, black and expensive 
cigar stuck out of the corner of his mouth. A large, 
thin-necked bottle stood in a pail of cracked ice beside 
his chair. The table was covered with a chaos of 
empty dishes. He recrossed his legs as Pennington 
entered, and rebuked him lustily for being so long. 

“ I don’t want them crabs now,” said Augustus, 
irritably. “ I want some ice-cream. Take away 
them dishes, feller.” 

“ Yes, your excellency,” answered the reporter, who 
had already come to the conclusion that this was a 
.very extraordinary Envoy indeed. 

“ Oh, you needn’t act like you was afraid of me, 
young man,” said Augustus, condescendingly. “ I 
may be an Envoy and away up in high society, but 
I’m a gen’leman, and I know my manners. 

“And I know my place,” said Pennington, cring* 
ing. 


the envoy is indiscreet. 


133 


“ It’s been a great show, has this here function,” 
remarked Higgins, unfastening his waistcoat buttons. 
“ I don’t s’pose you happened to see me when I was 
decoratin’ the Queen, did you, young feller ? ” 

“ Yes, your excellency, I did have that pleasure. 
Nothing could have been more stupendously grand 
than the ceremony ; but your own grandeur, your 
excellency, and your dignity, oh, every one in the 
hotel is talking of you.” 

“ Are they, now ? Here, take a cigar, young feller. 
Ain’t they out of sight ? Light up, young man, and 
have a pleasant, sociable smoke along with me. But 
lock that door first. It wouldn’t do for a high-toned 
Envoy to be seen smoking with a low-down feller like 
you.” 

Pennington locked the door with alacrity. 

“ Have a glass of somethin’ to drink. And tell me 
some more how I impress people.” 

“ Well, your excellency ” 

“ Look here, young man, do they always call En- 
voys your excellency ? ” 

” I have been brought up to do so, your excel- 
lency,” answered Pennington humbly. 


134 


HATS OFF! 


“ Well, why not ? ” demanded Augustus. “ It’s a 
good way to bring you up. It’s manners. A Envoy’s 
a Envoy. Go ahead.” 

“ Especially, your excellency, did you impress the 
reporters.” 

“ Oh, yes. I suppose them reporters will have a 
good deal about me in the papers, won’t they ? ” 

“ Columns,” declared Pennington with emphasis. 
“ Especially the Courier. If you want to see a good 
account of yourself, your excellency, read the 
Courier .” 

“ Pooh, now you’re showin’ off, young feller. 
What does a low-down waiter like you know of news- 
papers. Tell some more about me.” 

“ I heard the reporters say that you impressed them 
as a thorough man of the world. Your speech, too, 
made a great hit. Nobody could understand it, sim- 
ply because your accent was so extremely French.” 

“ Made in gay Paree ! ” chuckled Augustus. 
“ Well, you can go on, but don’t lay it on too thick.” 

“ Then your demeanor as you sat beside Queen 
Angelica on the throne, your excellency ! ” continued 


tHE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 13^ 

Pennington, proceeding to lay it on very thick. “ It 
was simply superb. It was absolutely princely. 
Everybody said it was a most fortunate thing that 
the Envoy-in-chief was sick, so that you could take 
his place/’ 

“ Look here, we aren’t talkin’ of him. We are 
talkin’ of me,” remarked Augustus, who was really 
a little jealous of his imaginary chief. 

Pennington darted a glance toward the door of the 
bed-room. He was burning with desire to know if 
the Envoy-in-chief was really in there, or was he the 
drunken man who had been sent down in the ele- 
vator ? He determined to find out at once. So he 
sprang to his feet as if Augustus had spoken, and ran 
to the open door. 

“ Draught, your excellency ? ” he cried. “ Shut the 
door ? With pleasure.” 

And before the intellect of Augustus, somewhat 
torpid by reason of over-indulgence in the pleasures 
of the table, could understand what he was doing, 
Pennington had taken a comprehensive glance inside 
the bed-chamber and satisfied himself perfectly that 


I36 HATS OFF? 

there was no one inside. “ Then that drunken fellow 
must have been the Envoy-in-chief, ” he thought, 
puzzled indeed. 

“ Sit down,” commanded Augustus crossly. “ I 
didn’t speak a word about draughts.” 

“ I beg your excellency’s most humble pardon. I 
thought you said that there was a draught, and I was 
afraid the conversation might disturb the rest of his 
most gracious excellency, the Envoy-in-chief.” 

“ Eh ? ” questioned Augustus, staring hard. 

“ He is understood to be indisposed by all the re- 
porters, your excellency.” 

Augustus looked unhappy. “ Why did you call 
him his most gracious excellency ? ” he demanded. 

“ Oh, they always address Envoys-in-chief in that 
way,” blandly replied the reporter. 

For many minutes Augustus had been vainly 
struggling with himself to keep the secret of Queen 
Angelica concerning the imaginary envoy. But he 
was so highly exhilarated that every instant it became 
more difficult to hold his tongue. Then the adulation 
of the waiter was very sweet to him. And he was 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 


w 


very jealous indeed of “ his most gracious excellency.” 

He took his stockinged feet from off the table, 
leaned forward towards the pseudo-waiter, tapped him 
confidentially on his knee, winked slowly and expres- 
sively with the left eye, and muttered hoarsely, 
“ There ain’t any Envoy-in-chief.” 

“No Envoy-in-chief ? ” cried Pennington, staring 
in his turn. 

“You can keep somethin’ on the dead quiet?” 
queried Augustus, suspiciously. 

Pennington nodded. 

“ On the level ?” 

“ On the level.” 

“ Now, you feller, just understand this. I’m talkin’ 
to a low-down, everyday waiter, and most folks would 
scorn to do it. But I seen waiters who had the 
feelin’s of a gen’leman, just as I seen low-down, 
everyday supers at the theaters, gettin’ three-fifty a 
week, and gettin’ sworn at and bullied have the feelin’s 
of a gen’leman. A gen’leman’s a gen’leman, the world 
over, I say. Ain’t that so ? ” 

“ Certainl) cried Pennington, impatiently. 


HATS OFF! 


138 

“ You can tell him just as soon as you seen him/’ 
continued Augustus earnestly. “ Just as you do me 
and I do you, waiter. And what I tells you is as one 
gen’leman to another. Don’t forget that.” 

“ Certainly not.” 

“ Well, then, as I said before. There ain’t any 
Envoy-in-chief. He’s a fiction hero. He ain’t any 
more real than a ghost.” 

“ Ah ! ” 

“ No, sir. I’m the whole bloomin’ show. Just 
me alone. And now, hang onto your chair so you 
won’t go failin’ out: there ain’t any envoy from the 
land of the parlez-vous, neither.” 

“ Ah ! ” cried Pennington, again. 

“ Nope. He’s just from the Frivolity Theater, a 
low-down, ordinary super, Super No. 5 they call me, 
and his dress-suit is hired from Isaacs, and these here 
cuffs are the Super Captain’s.” 

“ Great guns I ” cried Pennington, his eyes bulging 
out of his head. 

“ Yep,” continued Augustus, enjoying the waiter’s 
astonishment hugely. “ Ain’t it a circus ? The real 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. i$g 

Envoy didn’t come, so I was hired in his place, and 
as you said, I done my dooty just as good as the real 
article could.” 

“ But that man outside just now. He swore he was 
the Envoy.” 

“ That chap ? ” sniffed Augustus contemptuously. 
“ I heard him myself singin’. Dead tight, the other 
waiter said. He was a chap that was hired before me, 
I guess, but he didn’t suit. So they bounced him and 
took me in his place. Catch on ? ” 

“ No,” cried Pennington. “ Tell me all. Tell me 
everything.” 

Nothing loath, Augustus told the reporter all he 
knew. 

“ Now,” he concluded, “ you can see what a good 
fake envoy I am, waiter. I come back here to change 
these here togs. But the door was locked and the 
Queen’s feller, he was in the banquet enjoyin’ hisself. 
So I told my fix to the clerk, and he, thinkin’ these 
swell rooms was mine as the Envoy, why he made one 
of the hotel gazaboes climb up the fire-escape and 
open the spring lock. That Sir Roy will be consider- 


HATS OFF! 


146 

able astonished, I guess, when he finds me back again. 
But I've got to have Isaacs’s dress-suit. Well, I 
s’pose I’ll have to sneak back to the Frivolity and 
be a low-down super again. But it’s been great, 
waiter, c-mense. Simply c-mense. A gorgeous func- 
tion, and I’ve been the whole show.” 

Augustus blew a cloud of smoke upwards and lost 
himself in a review of his brief hour of glory. 

Pennington had listened to the story of Super No. 5 
in an ecstasy. He saw the story of the super envoy 
in the first column of to-morrow’s Courier. He saw 
a dead beat. He saw the city editor grumbling out a 
reluctant approval. He saw his brother clapping him 
on the back. He saw future fat assignments. He 
saw all New York laughing at this absurd farce. It 
was 10:30 o’clock. There was ample time to get 
the story at the Courier office. But if any of those 
other reporters should get at Augustus ! A wild plan 
of kidnapping Augustus flashed across his mind. He 
hardly dare leave the talkative little super out of his 
sight. But he would have to take his chances. There 
was no time to lose, if he was going to make much of 
the story. 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 14I 

“ I thought it would astonish you, waiter,” said 
Augustus, watching the excitement of the reporter 
complacently. “ But there is just one thing you’ve 
got to remember before you leave this here room. 
You promised to keep what I’ve told you on the dead 
quiet. You promised me for fair, on the dead level. 
I told you as one gen’Ieman to another. So mind 
you don’t blab. I won’t have the Queen and me give 
away. Mind that.” 

“ Promised ! Promised ! ” stammered Pennington, 
edging away for the door. But Augustus Higgins 
had sprung to his feet and had reached the door before 
the astonished reporter could divine his intentions. 
He locked it, put the key into his pocket, and standing 
there with his back to the door, glared on Pennington 
with the ferocity of a tiger. 

“ Yes, promised ! ” he shrieked. 

“ You told me of your own accord.” 

“ I didn’t. Not by a jugful,” cried Augustus, an- 
grily. “ Why, do you mean to say you’re a low-down 
sneak to break your word after you promised on the 
dead level ? Didn’t I say it was told as one gen’Ieman 
to another ? ” 


142 


HATS OFF l 


Pennington bit his lip perplexedly. He frowned at 
the enraged little man who confronted him with the 
savage intensity of a tigress robbed of her whelps. 
Pennington was very young and very green, or he 
would have answered Pliggins long ago, soothingly 
and lyingly : “ Certainly. That’s all right, old man. 
It’s on the quiet, of course,” and then he would have 
left the room and rushed off to the Courier office as 
fast as a cab could take him. But because he was so 
young, he had foolish and romantic ideas about honor 
and the word of a gentleman. And young as he was, 
and green as he was, he saw plainly enough that no 
persuasions and no threats could shake Super No. 5. 
So he flung himself into a chair, Higgins watching 
him alertly. 

“ If I promised, I promised,” he said heavily. “ But 
I want to tell you something, too. I’m not a waiter. 
I’m a reporter. I pretended to be a waiter because I 
was given a hint that something was wrong. I wanted 
to find out, to make you talk, and you’ve told me 
more than I ever dreamed of.” 

Augustus Higgins flung the loey on the table in 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 1 43 

front of Pennington. He laid his cigar gently on the 
edge -of the table and blinked at the reporter stupidly. 

“ Then there’s the key,” he said miserably. “ It’s no 
good tryin’ to stop your talkin' if you’re a noospaper 
man. You’re sure to blab. And I’ve give the Queen 
dead away, and she was square to me. She may be 
a fake queen just as I’m a fake envoy and you’re a 
fake waiter. But she’d been square to me and I 
wanted to be square to her, though her feller is a fresh 
guy. I’m a blamed idiot, sir.” 

His swagger, his vulgarity seemed to have been all 
wrung out of him. He was limp and humble and 
decent again; and somehow Pennington dimly was 
conscious that this vulgar little beast had set him an 
example in what was honorable and right. And it stung 
him to the quick that the super should take it for 
granted that a waiter could be a gentleman and would 
keep his word, but that a reporter could not. 

“ I’ve told you I shall keep my word if I gave it,” 
he said, irritably. 

“ Well, you did ! On the dead level, you did-, sir.” 

“ Then I keep it.” 


144 


HATS OFF! 


“What !” cried Augustus, overjoyed. “You ain’t 
goin’ to write me up as a fake envoy ? On the dead 
level ? You ain’t goin’ to give the Queen away ? ” 

“ No,” snarled Pennington, shaking his head. 
“ But it’s a shame. The finest story that I shall run 
to earth for many a long day ! ” 

Augustus was delirious with joy. He recognized 
the note of sincerity in Pennington’s promise. He 
held out his hand eagerly. 

“ Shake, sir,” he cried, wringing Pennington’s limp 
hand. “ Shake ! You’re a daisy. You — you are a 
gerileman , by gum, you are. You’re a reporter and 
you wont give the Queen away ? Well, well ! You’re 
all right, all right ! ” 

“ Don’t be an ass ! ” said Pennington, savagely. 
“ Let go my hand, will you ? Pm glad you recognize 
the sacrifice I’m making. That story would have 
made me. It’s the infernal luck of course that I should 
have promised. Gad, I can never hold up my head 
on Park Row again. I can never look the city editor 
in the eye.” 

Augustus bit his nails nervously., IJe wished he 


THE ENVOY 13 INDISCREET. 145 

could show him how much he admired him. But he 
didn’t know what to say, and he was silent. 

“ But look here,” cried Pennington, lifting his head 
from between his hands, “ if I’ve given you my word, 
I didn’t give it to the Queen.” 

“ Eh, sir ? ” cried Augustus, anxiously. “ I don’t 
know as I quite catch on.” 

Pennington knew that he was going to say a con- 
temptible thing. He knew that Super No. 5 would 
refuse and despise him for saying it. But he felt, too, 
that he owed some loyalty to the Courier. He simply 
could not abandon the chances of getting Augustus 
to give him back his word of honor, however remote 
those chances were of success. 

“ What I mean is, Mr. Higgins,” he said slowly, 
looking at Super No. 5 askance, “ that if you will give 
me permission to use what you have told me I’ll give 
you a hundred dollars.” 

Augustus shook his head. 

“ I didn’t think you’d have offered me money, sir,” 
he said in a hurt tone. “ I’m not that sort.” 

“ I will see that you get two hundred dollars,” per- 
sisted Pennington, though the effort cost him much. 


146 


HATS OFF! 


“ Don’t ! ” cried Augustus. “ I shall be fightin’ 
you in a minute, sir.” 

Pennington gave a sigh of relief that that was over. 
But he looked at Super No. 5 dejectedly. 

“ You had better be goin’,” said Augustus, carefully 
keeping his eyes turned away from the reporter. 
“ The Queen’ll be here maybe, or Sir Roy. They 
mustn’t find me talkin’ to you.” 

But Pennington did not go. A great idea had 
flashed across his mind. He seized Super No. 5 by 
the collar. He shook him until he almost choked. 
He swayed him to and fro in his excitement. 

“ Listen, Higgins, listen. I’ve given you my word. 
I shall keep it. You needn’t worry about that. But 
I’ve flung away the grandest chance of a scoop that 
ever came in the narrow path of cub reporter. I ex- 
pect you to be duly grateful, Higgins. If I don’t be- 
tray the Queen’s secret as to the identity of her Envoy, 
you aren’t to disappear to-night ; you are to continue 
to be her Envoy to-morrow, the next day, a week, 
perhaps.” 

“ I don’t catch on,” gasped Higgins. 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 147 

“ I say, you mustn’t stop being the Envoy now — to- 
night. I want you to be Envoy right along until I 
can’t get any more stories out of you for the Courier ” 

“ It’d be too risky, sir. An there’s the Envoy-in- 
chief. Who’d be him, and what’s the object ? ” 

“ I would be him when it is necessary. And the 
object ? Why, De Vere Montmorencey, you are 
dense. I will plan adventures for you, the Queen’s 
Envoy Extraordinary, that shall astonish the town, 
and I shall be the only reporter who will have any ac- 
count of them in the whole borough of Manhattan. 
I’ll write ’em up in advance, and the Courier shall have 
the exclusive news.” 

“ But the Queen herself ? ” gasped Higgins, ap- 
palled at the magnitude of the plan. 

“ Do you suppose she’ll object ? She’ll shine in 
the reflected glory of her Envoy. It’ll advertise her 
to beat the band. The marvelous doing of her pre- 
cious Envoys will put quite in the shade this cere- 
mony to-night. They shall be a seven days’ wonder.” 

“ You’re too young to play the Envoy-in-chief,” 
objected Higgins, jealously. 


148 


HATS OFF! 


“ A white wig wfll be all I shall want, and a little 
grease paint, because I’m supposed to be sick in bed. 
If any people want to call on me, they’ll see me 
cuddled up on the couch in a darkened room.” 

“ And I’ll make you up,” cried Higgins, jubilantly. 
“You can be the whole show, Higgy. I shall be 
busy hustling round planning adventures and getting 
the news to the Courier office.” 

“ £-mense, simply ^-rnense ! ” murmured Higgins. 
“ But how’ll you bring the Queen round ? ” 

“ Just as I told you,” cried Pennington, impatiently. 
“ Besides, she’ll have to consent, because, though I’ve 
told you I will not give her away, I haven’t said I 
won’t tell her that I know she has a fake Envoy, 
Higgins.” 

“ It’s blackmail,” whispered Augustus. 

“ Shouldn’t wonder,” replied Pennington, calmly. 
“ And now, Higgins, there’s no time to spare. I must 
be writing my special interview with you, the Envoy- 
in-chief. Then I’ll write up an interview I’ve sup- 
posed to have had with you, the Deputy Envoy. And 
when these two interviews are sent off \o the Courier , 


THE ENVOY IS INDISCREET. 149 

we’ll put our two heads together and plan out some 
nice things to do to-morrow that’ll sound well in 
print.” 

“ E-mense, sir ! ” cried Augustus, “ simply e-mense! 
What a head-piece you’ve got, sir ! ” 

“ Thank you, Higgins. But don’t talk, please. I’m 
writing the interview with the Envoy-in-chief.” 


CHAPTER XII. 


THE KNIGHTING OF HIGGINS. 

The interviews when written made two columns 
and a half. The interview with the Deputy Envoy 
was full of picturesque details, personal, anecdotal, 
and racy. Just such a story as the city editor liked, 
bearing the stamp of truth, so Pennington flattered 
himself. 

De Vere Montmorencey’s views were commented 
upon at length — his first impressions of America, his 
ideas of the Dreyfus scandal, whom he considered to 
.be the greatest actress in America, his enthusiastic 
^comments on the American soldier as a fighting ma- 
chine, his burning desire to see that great and good 
man, President McKinley, and the stockyards in Chi- 
cago, and Niagara Falls. His tastes were touche'd 
upon, his dress, his truly astonishing grasp of the 
English idiom. 

[150] 


THE KNIGHTING OF HIGGINS. I$I 

Although the Envoy-in-chief was ill in bed, he had 
welcomed the Courier representative. At the urgent 
request of the Courier he had consented to sign a dic- 
tated statement. As a descendant himself of a Bour- 
bon prince, he expressed his extreme satisfaction at 
the remarkable tendency of the people of the United 
States towards monarchical ideas. He expressed the 
firm belief that the societies of the Daughters of the 
American Revolution, and the Colonial Dames, the 
Loyal Legion, and the Knight Templars would hasten 
to join the standard so gallantly unfurled by the 
Dutch Fraus, and would enroll themselves as subjects 
of Queen Angelica. Thus a revolution of a sweeping 
character would be accomplished without bloodshed. 

“ Yes,” said Pennington, with pride, “ I think I may 
say that those two interviews will cause a sensation, 
Higgins. They are corkers. And now will you please 
press that indicator for a messenger boy ? Thank 
you.” 

With his copy Pennington sent a personal note to 
the city editor, informing him that by an unparalleled 
piece of good fortune he happened to have attracted 


15 * 


HATS OFF! 


the favor of M. Montmorencey, who had urged upon 
him his hospitality. This invitation Pennington had 
accepted because he could foresee many good, exclu- 
sive stories for his paper. He asked that the editor 
would send one hundred dollars for incidental ex- 
penses. 

“ You see, Higgins, we shall keep up the game just 
as long as I have ingenuity enough to plan out origi- 
nal undertakings, and you have pluck enough to carry 
them out successfully. I imagine the bubble will burst 
in a day or two. But I think I can safely promise 
you an exciting day to-morrow.” 

The knob of the door leading out into the corridor 
was rattled. Then two astonished voices were heard 
without. 

“ It’s the Queen and Sir Roy,” whispered Higgins. 
“ I'll bet they give us fits.” 

“ Unlock the door, and don’t be foolish,” com- 
manded Pennington, coolly. Half an hour ago he 
would have been almost as frightened as was Super 
No. 5. But now he had crossed the Rubicon. He 
did not intend to let anything frighten him. 


THE KNIGHTING OF HIGGINS. 1 53 

Tremulously Augustus unlocked the door. Then 
he stood cowering behind it in his stockings. 

“ You might as well lock it again, Higgins/' said 
Pennington, when Sir Roy and the Queen, too aston- 
ished to speak, had stepped inside the room. “ There 
may be reporters outside." 

“ You see, ma'am, I — I've come back," volunteered 
Augustus at length, trying hard to smile. 

“ Come back, you insolent puppy ! " thundered Sir 
Roy. “ What do you mean by this confounded in- 
trusion ? " 

He swept Augustus Higgins' shoes off the chair. 
He looked at the forest of bottles and the chaos of 
empty dishes on the table. Then he swept a withering 
glance at Pennington, who bowed low. 

“ I wouldn't lose your temper, if I were you," he 
said soothingly. “ It can’t do any good, you know, 
and it’s said to be the worst thing possible from the 
standpoint of the physician. We can explain it all." 

“ We! " echoed Sir Roy. “ Will you have the good- 
ness to tell me who you are ? " 

“ With pleasure, sir. Just the youngest and most 
unworthy of the reporters of the Courier staff." 


154 


HATS OFF! 


“ A reporter ! ” shrieked the Queen. 

“That’s all, madame. Not much, I confess.” 

There was a silence to be felt. It was broken by- 
Augustus, who remarked in a faint voice that it was a 
warm evening. This not having any appreciable effect 
on the strained relations between the two couples, 
Augustus petitioned, “ Will you excuse me ma’am, if 
I put on my shoes ? ” Then he retreated to an obscure 
corner of the room, trembling at the outcome. 

“ Has he told you — I mean, have you asked him 
about ” 

The Queen did not finish her sentence. It was not 
necessary. She nodded her head contemptuously to- 
wards Augustus Higgins, who was entirely occupied 
in lacing up his shoes. 

“ Yes. He had spoken with me,” replied Penning- 
ton, significantly. 

The loyal Sir Roy was locking and unlocking his 
fingers, his eyes imploring permission from his be- 
loved to fling the reporter out of the window. But 
the Queen had sank back in her chair with the one 
remark to Sir Roy : “ That man has betrayed us.” 


THE KNIGHTING OF HIGGINS. I 55 

She was quite crestfallen and hopeless. Her chin 
rested in her hand. She looked at Pennington stead- 
fastly, as if trying to fathom his purpose. She wasn’t 
a real queen, of course, only a queen pretender; and 
Pennington supposed he ought to be amused that she 
took the matter so seriously. But she was a woman. 
He felt sorry for her. And although he was deter- 
mined not to relinquish the opportunity of making 
Higgins play the piper, and would sacrifice the Queen 
in so far as she interfered with his plans, he was sorry 
for her, and his eyes sought the carpet. 

“ You are a reporter,” murmured the Queen, sigh- 
ing heavily. “ It is useless to ask you to have mercy. 
Very likely, sir, your work is accomplished already.” 

At these words Augustus looked up from his shoe- 
lacing alertly. He resembled nothing so much as a 
little noisy fox-terrier, whose devotion is divided be- 
tween master and mistress. He glanced anxiously 
from the sad face of the Queen to the uneasy reporter. 
Then he hobbled up to them eagerly, one shoe in his 
hand, the other on his foot: 

“ Oh, I assure you, ma’am,” he cried, gesticulating 


156 HATS OFF! 

excitedly with the shoe in his hand, “ you are quite 
off your base, ma’am. I was foolish enough, ma’am 
to tell this reporter here. I thought him a low-down 
waiter, ma’am, not dreamin’ he was a noospaper man. 
But I do assure you, ma’am, that we both have the 
feelin’s of high-toned gen’lemen. He’s told me on the 
dead level, ma’am, that he ain’t goin’ to give you away 
to the papers, nor me, neither.” 

“ Is this true ? ” asked the Queen, incredulously. 

Pennington bowed. “ Perhaps you had better ex- 
plain, Higgins,” he said, smiling encouragement to 
Super No. 5. 

Super No. 5 did explain, not grammatically, per- 
haps, but eloquently none the less, his face all aglow 
with enthusiasm. 

“ By gad, sir,” cried Sir Roy to Pennington, when 
Augustus had finished his narrative, “ you are a good 
fellow and a gentleman, as that fellow says. Will 
you shake hands with me ? ” 

“That is the gentleman you should shake hands 
with, sir,” said Pennington, dryly, still smiling at 
Higgins, whose face glowed with delight now that 


THE KNIGHTING OF HIGGINS. 1 5 7 

peace was about to be restored. “ And, madame,” 
he was looking at the Queen, “ I venture to say that 
you have few adherents so loyal among your sub- 
jects.” 

“ It is true,” said the Queen, rising from her chair. 
“ De Vere Montmorencey, kneel before me. Give me 
your sword.” 

The little super crouched down on the carpet, won- 
deringly, cocking an inquisitive but adoring eye up- 
wards at Queen Angelica. 

“ De Vere Montmorencey,” said the Queen, “ were 
I queen indeed, I would make you a knight indeed, 
just as now, only queen in play, I make you knight 
in play. De Vere Montmorencey, Envoy Extraordin- 
ary of Prince Geoffrey de la Fleur, I, Angelica, of the 
Dutch Fraus, make you knight Arise Sir Knight 
Montmorencey, and wear this ring always for my 
sake.” 

Super No. 5 had listened with his mouth wide open. 
Something had stirred within him ; there was a radi- 
ance on his face; there were tears in his little red- 
rimmed, bleary eyes, a certain dignity in his carriage* 


158 HATS OFF! 

as he took the ring that the Queen extended smilingly 
towards him. 


“ You may kiss my hand/’ said the Queen gra- 
ciously. 

And kiss it Augustus did. Reverently, no doubt, 
but, it must be confessed, with a loud smack that be- 
spoke rather great heartiness and good-will than ele- 
gance. 


CHAPTER XIII. 


THE REPORTER DOES STUNTS. 

“You are a reporter,” said the Queen, turning to 
Pennington, rather shamefacedly, when Super No. 5 
had risen from his knees. “ It is inevitable that your 
spirit is not turned towards the ideal. I cannot 
complain if you smile at this ceremony as foolish and 
childish.” 

“ Not at all, madame,” replied Pennington, politely, 
if somewhat vaguely. “ In the meanwhile, Mr. Hig- 
gins ” 

“ M. Montmorencey,” interrupted the Queen, 
firmly. “ Please try to remember this. I have not 
knighted Mr. Higgins, but M. Montmorencey, Envoy 
Extraordinary.” 

“ Very good, madame,” acquiesced Pennington, 
winking facetiously at the gentleman in question, who 
glared back in stony, dignified reproval. “ Monsieur 


1 60 


HATS OFF! 


Montmorencey has told you of our compact. I have 
agreed to keep secret the identity of your Envoy Ex- 
traordinary. On the other hand, I ask you, not as 
my right, but as a favor in return, not to permit M. 
Montmorencey to sink into oblivion — for a few days, 
at least. Not until I have planned a few startling 
adventures for him. He shall do nothing clownish 
to bring your name and royal rank in discredit. But 
I must ask your consent for this, and perhaps, your 
assistance.” 

“ I am weary of playing a part,” said the Queen, 
passing her hand across her brow. “ It presses too 
heavily upon me.” 

“ Yes, ma’am, I noticed that the crown’s too tight,” 
volunteered the literal Angustus, respectfully. “ You 
can see the red mark of the rim on your forehead 
now, ma’am. It sets too snug, and your bangs ain’t 
exactly foot-ball hair, ma’am.” 

“ Then it’s too risky, Mr., Pennington,” added Sir 
Roy, who had been smoking in silence. 

“ Not at all,” answered Pennington, warmly. “ I 
shall avoid any risks. An<J frankly, madame, what- 


THE REPORTER DOES STUNTS. l6l 

ever you may decide, I shall hold Mr. Higgins, I 
mean Montmorencey, strictly to his promise, just as 
he held me strictly to mine.” 

“ I was a chump for promising,” said Augustus, 
remorsefully, casting a look of undying devotion to 
the Queen. “ I ought to be kicked, ma’am.” 

“ Nevertheless, your word is your bond, M. Mont- 
morencey. As one of my subjects you could not tell 
a lie. Then we will play the game to the finish, sir,” 
she added, turning to the reporter. 

It was no affair of Pennington’s to inquire how the 
Queen reconciled her own white fibs and petty deceits 
with her high ideals of conduct for Sir Knight Hig- 
gins. His affair was to get good stories for his news- 
paper, so he bowed delightedly and said : 

“ I admire your pluck, madame. And you may rely 
on the devotion of M. Montmorencey and myself, I 
am sure.” 

“ Have you any plans ? ” asked Sir Roy, rather 
crossly. “ Because I am getting sleepy.” 

“ Several,” replied Pennington, promptly. “ It has 
pccurred to me that Hig — Montmorencey might bq 


HATS OFF ! 


162 

of an eccentric disposition. He might be extravagant 
in his dress. That always attracts attention. He 
might wear a monocle and trousers of a pronounced 
check, very wide at the hips and very narrow at the 
feet, and a frock coat of bottled green with a red vel- 
vet collar ” 

“ Never ! ” said the Queen, peremptorily. “ I will 
not consent to having my Envoy made ridiculous.’' 

“ Thank you kindly, ma’am,” said Augustus, much 
relieved. 

“Then how would this do, Higgins, to hunt out 
that purser fellow ” 

“ Look here,” interrupted Augustus, annoyed, “ the 
Queen’s asked you to be polite and decent. If you’d 
just as soon, call me Monsoor Montmorencey. It 
don’t make much dif. to me what I’m called, but if 
she says I’m Monsoor Montmorencey, I’ve got to be 
Monsoor Montmorencey, and I wish you’d remember 
it, sir.” 

“All right, old chap,” cried Pennington. “As I 
said, you might hunt out the purser, and have a nice 
little mill with him »’* 


THE REPORTER DOES STUNTS. 163 

“ A nice little mill ! ” echoed the puzzled Queen. 

“ You might get knocked down by him, say,” con- 
tinued the reporter, with enthusiasm. “ We could 
manage it so that no other reporters were present. 
4 The Envoy of Queen Angelica is insulted grossly and 
brutally asaulted.’ That would read very well, I 
think. And I could make something racy out of it. 
How does that strike you, Hig — Montmorencey ? ” 

“ I don’t know exactly,” replied Augustus, scratch- 
ing his ear. “ But I’ll get knocked down if the Queen 
says the word,” he added, cheerfully. 

Sir Roy pooh-poohed the scheme contemptuously. 

“ If you haven’t any more brilliant ideas than those 
worn-out, cheap expedients for notoriety,” sneered 
Sir Roy, “ we may as well go to bed.” 

“ Yes, they are pretty stale,” admitted Pennington, 
ruefully. “ I must have a night to think things over. 
I may have to ask the city editor for some sugges- 
tions. But I’d sooner not, because that would take 
away half the fun.” 

“ And I wish you’d try to remember, sir, that 
though I’m ready to do as much as the next man for 


l6\ HATS OFF! 

the Queen, I’d sooner not have my head knocked off 
if there’s any other way.” 

Another kind of knock, peremptory, loud, aggres- 
sive, not at Augustus Higgins’ head, but at the door, 
startled them into silence. And when it did not cease, 
but became even more loudly aggressive, Sir Roy 
moved toward the door to answer it. 

“ Just a minute,” cried Pennington. “ There are 
just three kinds of people in the world who knock 
like that. The sheriff, the rent-collector, and the re- 
porter. Now, it can’t be the rent-collector ” 

“ And certainly not the sheriff,” cried the Queen. 

“ Then it must be the reporter. Very likely it’s one 
from the Courier office. Perhaps to take my place. 
But that’s impossible. In the first place, because we 
should not dare to tell any reporter, even one from 
the Courier, the secret of Montmorencey’s identity. 
In the second place, because I’m not willing to be sup- 
planted. You see I’m only a cub, and they don’t 
think much of me at the Courier. Then, to be on the 
safe side, supposing that Hig — Montmorencey and 
myself retreat into the bed-room. I needn’t say, of 


‘I'HE REPORTER bofeS STtJNT^. l6$ 

course, that I am not here. But if he asks for me, you 
might pretend to consult with the Queen so as to 
give me the tip, sir. Come along, Montey.” 

Pennington and the Envoy retreated into the bed- 
room. The Queen asumed a gracefully neglige atti- 
tude. She picked up a plush-covered volume contain- 
ing her pedigree and thoughtfully perused it. Sir Roy 
placed his right foot a few inches from the door, and 
looking through the crack, demanded who was there 
and what was wanted. 

“ I want to see Mr. Pennington,” answered a 
voice. 

“ Mr. Pennington ? ” asked Sir Roy, “ who is that, 
please ? ” 

“ You know very well, sir,” continued the voice. 
“ And I must see him. It’s absolutely imperative.” 

“ But I have told you, sir, he is not here,” pro- 
tested Sir Roy, resisting the pressure exerted upon 
the door by the person without. 

Disregarding the protest of Sir Roy, the voice con- 
tinued doggedly, “ It is useless to deny that he is here, 
sir. I know it. And I warn you I shall not permit 


HATS OFF! 


i 66 

this door to be closed until I see him. If you tell him 
that his brother is without, and that he has been sent 
from the Courier office on purpose to see him, he will 
see me, I am sure.” 

Pennington listened to the voice, half amusedly, 
half angrily. It was his big brother, a special writer 
on the Courier, who covered only affairs of great 
promise. Of course he had come to take the younger 
man’s place. Pennington could not yield it. But he 
knew his brother’s stubbornness. It would be quite 
impossible to keep him outside. So Pennington, Jr., 
looked about the room for a chance to hide. He 
could see no place that would afford protection. 

“ I guess the jig’s up, sir,” whispered Higgins, 
anxiously. “ If that feller makes his way in, he’ll get 
onto things, sure.” 

“ Oh, no, he won’t, at least not more than I choose 
to let him see, Higgins. Oblige me with that wig 
you were wearing during the ceremony, will you ? 
Thanks. A superb fit, by Jove ! Now turn out the 
electric lights, Montey, all but that one at the far end 
of the chamber. Now, Augustus, watch me. I am no 


THE REPORTER DOES STUNTS. 1 67 

longer the cub reporter. I am, for a few minutes, 
your chief, the Envoy Extraordinary himself.” 

Pennington flung himself on a couch and pulled a 
rug up to his chin and grinned. 

“ Call the Queen, Montey ! ” 

The Queen was duly astonished, and not a little de- 
lighted, to see a white-haired old man on the couch, 
his eyes just blinking above the sheets. 

“ Let him come in,” whispered Pennington. “ Let 
him even see me, if he insists, as no doubt he will. 
He will see only the Envoy Extraordinary, attended 
by his faithful secretary, M. Montmorencey. And 
Montey, old chap, don’t talk. Be solicitous for 
my welfare, the devoted aide. Sit down there at my 
side. Pour out a glass of water. Hand it to me when 
that fellow outside comes in. All ready, madame.” 

The delighted Queen had no opportunity of ac- 
quainting Sir Roy with the stratagem Pennington had 
planned. She could only poke him significantly in 
the ribs, and shake her head assuringly at him. Then 
she reseated herself with her plush-covered pedigree, 
and cried in a languid voice : 


1 68 


RATS off! 


“ Let the gentleman in, Roy, if he so rudely in- 
sists.” 

Sir Roy knew from the winks and expressive pokes 
of the Queen that there was no danger of Pennington, 
Jr., being discovered. So he threw open the door. 
Pennington, Sr., stepped promptly inside, bowed 
deferentially to the Queen, and brazenly remarked 
that he feared that he was intruding. 

“You, sir, ought to be the best judge of that,” re- 
plied Sir Roy, frowning at the unwelcome guest. 
“ What right have you at this late hour to disturb 
us ?” 

“ Madame,” replied Pennington, Sr., ignoring Sir 
Roy, “ I must see Mr. Pennington. It is impera- 
tive.” 

“ Qu’est que c’est que fa, Montmorencey ? ” croaked a 
rasping, irritable voice from the bed-chamber. “ Nom 
de diable ! Qui est Id ? Qui vient ici d cette heure ? Sacre 
bleu! ” 

“ Hush,” whispered the Queen, greatly agitated. 
“ You see, you are disturbing the fitful slumbers of 
the Envoy. I beg you to be silent.” 


THE REPORTER t)OES STUNTS. t6g 

u The Envoy ? ” repeated Pennington, Sr. 

“ Seriously indisposed, I fear. He suffered agonies 
during his voyage. Mai de mer, poor man ! You are 
no doubt aware that he could not himself be present 
at the ceremony this evening. It will be a life-long 
grief to me. And now, pray begone before you excite 
his anger ! ” 

“ But Mr. Pennington ? ” insisted the obstinate re- 
porter. 

The Queen shrugged her shoulders, and pulled 
aside with a dramatic flourish the portieres that sepa- 
rated the two rooms. 

“ Sir, if you insist,” she cried haughtily. 

“Thank you. If I may be so bold as to have a 
glimpse of the Envoy,” cried Pennington, Sr. “ Just 
to describe him in the Courier .” 

He glanced in the bed-room. 

“ Hein? Qui le diable etcs-vous? ” croaked the rasp- 
ing old voice from the couch. 

“ Hush ! ” hissed Augustus indignantly to the in- 
truder. 

“Pardon, excellence” muttered Pennington, Sr., 


HATS OFF! 


i;o 

puzzling his brain as to where he had seen eyes like 
those glaring at him from the pillow, and where he 
had heard that American French before. And while 
he was staring at the Envoy perplexedly, the two fiery 
eyes winked at him — very, very slowly, and very, very 
expressively — once, twice, thrice. 

“ Pardon, excellence,” muttered Pennington, Sr., 
again, retreating from the bed-room in great confu- 
sion. 

And the rasping voice cried again, “ Nom de diable. 
Sacre ! Cochon. Allez-vous-en.” 

“ Magnifique! ” whispered back Pennington, as he 
cast a last glance at the bed. 

“ Well, you are satisfied ? ” demanded the Queen. 

“ Perfectly, madame,” replied Pennington, Sr. 
“ And pardon me if I insisted too rudely. But I 
wished to see Mr. Pennington very much.” 

“ And now that you have seen the Envoy Extraor- 
dinary ? ” 

“ I shall depart, madame, perfectly satisfied.” 

“ But you have not yet seen Mr. Pennington,” said 
the Queen. 


THE REPORTER DOES STUNTS. I7I 

“ I can see my brother any day. It is not often 
one may see an Envoy Extraordinary in his pajamas. 
And madame,” cried Pennington, Sr., raising his 
voice so that his brother could hear, “ should Mr. 
Pennington return to his friend M. Montmorencey, 
would you be so good as give him this letter ? ” 

“ We, we, monsoor ! ” exclaimed Augustus, poking 
his head outside the portieres. 

“ Well,” cried Pennington in great spirits, flinging 
the rug to the floor, after his brother’s departure, 
“ did I act the part of the Envoy well, or did I not, 
Montey ? ” 

“ Out of sight, sir,” replied Augustus. “ And did 
you catch on to my French ? ” 

“ It was superb, Montmorencey. And now the 
letter, madame.” 

And as he read the letter the Queen handed to 
him, a deep joyous light came into the reporter’s eyes. 
He turned to her rapturously: 

“ It’s from the city editor. Tips for me in case my 
brother could not see me.” 

“ I hope they are better than those you were sug- 
gesting just now,” remarked Sir Roy, sleepily. 


HATS OTf! 


m 

“ Guess who’s at the Holland House 1 ” demanded 
Pennington of the Queen. 

“ Not the Queen of the Van Winkle Dames ? ” 
asked the Queen in suspense. 

“ His Excellency, Karaja Pasha, Minister of the 
Turkish Empire to these United States. He has just 
landed, en route to Washington.” 

“How does that concern us ? ” asked the Queen, 
eagerly. 

“ How does it concern us, madame ? ” echoed Pen- 
nington. “ Montey, can you guess ? ” 

“ You bet I can, sir. I’ll bet a week's pay that that 
there Turk is goin’ to receive a visit from you and 
me — one envoy to another in a friendly little sociable 
call,” cried Augustus. 

“ Better even than that. The Courier will fix things 
so that he will make a call on us here, and then on 
you, madame. The Courier will have boomed your 
rank so that he will be falling all over himself to pay 
his salaams to a Queen.” 

“ Why should the Courier do anything like that ? ” 
asked the Queen. 


THE REPORTER DOES STUNTS. 1 73 

“ Madame, you forget that one of its reporters has 
an exclusive tip on all the doings of the two Extraor- 
dinary Envoys/’ 

“ Well, that’s something like an idea,” said Sir Roy 
cordially. “ Take all the plums you can get, Angel, 
dear, and never mind on whose tree they grow.” 

“ It will be very nice indeed,” acquiesced the de- 
lighted Queen. “ You have done us a great service, 
sir.” 

“ You are quite welcome,” replied Pennington. 

“ And,” continued the Queen, somewhat timidly, 
“ if it would afford you any satisfaction, I should like 
to make you a knight, too.” 

“ Like you did me, ma’am ? ” asked Augustus, hop- 
ping about the floor in an ecstasy. “ That would be 
bully. Say yes, sir,” he implored of the reporter. “ It 
would be out of sight for us both to be knights.” 

“ Thank you, indeed,” answered Pennington with 
profound respect. “ You are too good, madame. But 
I fear my soul is too hopelessly democratic to appre- 
ciate the compliment as I should.” 

“ Very well,” said the Queen, disappointedly. 


“ Good-night,” 


HATS OFF! 


174 

“ You had better come into this room by the ad- 
joining suite in the morning,” cautioned Pennington. 
“ It will be safer. Hope we shall have an interesting 
day to-morrow. Good-night. 1 * 


CHAPTER XIV. 


THE TURKISH MINISTER SALAAMS. 

Augustus Higgins had tried to persuade Penning- 
ton to occupy the big brass bedstead. 

“ No, no, Montmorencey,” insisted Pennington. 
“ You take precedence of me both as a knight and 
as being less of a fake envoy. I’ll bunk on the sofa 
here.” 

“ We’ll toss up for it, sir,” compromised Augustus. 

The lot had fallen to him. 

Never in his life had Super No. 5 reposed so luxuri- 
ously. But never in his life had he been less inclined 
to sleep. It was simply absurd for him to attempt it. 
Was it only a few hours ago that he had been lifted 
from the squalor of the Frivolity stage to be Envoy 
Extraordinary in the Rotterdam. It seemed weeks. 
So much that was glorious had happened. And with 
what delicious uncertainty was the morrow fraught ? 

[i75] 


1 76 


HATS OFF! 


He kept pinching himself to be sure that it was not 
all a dream, and that he would not awake presently 
to find himself in his cell-like room in the Mills 
House. 

Pennington had slept soundly enough. He was 
awakened by Higgins showering an armful of news- 
papers on him. 

“ I guess Sir Roy ordered ’em, sir. I knew you’d 
want to see ’em just as soon as I would.” 

For half an hour Pennington did not speak a word. 
In his trousers and shirt-sleeves he buried himself be- 
hind columns and columns of print. It would be a 
nice point to decide who gloated over the details the 
more. It is true Higgins had played the more im- 
portant role. But Pennington had been the power 
behind the throne. He had pulled the wires. 

And then the story itself. The Courier was the only 
paper that made anything out of her Envoy Extraor- 
dinary. The other papers had tried hard, but they had 
had no chance. Pennington fell on the neck of Hig- 
gins and hugged him. 

“ What a beat, Montey ! What a scrumptious, 
dizzy, gorgeous beat | Higgins, I am going crazy !. ’ • 


THE TURKISH MINISTER SALAAMS. 


1 77 


“ Not till you’ve pulled off that interview with the 
Turk, sir, I hope. Say, that in the paper where she 
made me a knight was out of sight. Yes, sir, I must 
say you’ve done me and the Queen and yourself 
proud. But I wish you wouldn’t call me Montey, 
sir. It’" come down from Montmorencey, and most 
as bad as Higgins, which I now shudder at. And to 
think that I once thought it a good, respectable name. 
It just proves how high I’ve riz since then, don’t it ? ” 

“ A loaf of bread is no comparison. And now, old 
chap, we’ll breakfast.” 

“ There’s only one thing that kinder rattles me 
when I think of it,” said Augustus, when he had 
breakfasted sumptuously, “ and that’s those togs of 
Isaacs that the Super Captain hired.” 

“ You mean they ought to go back ? ” queried 
Pennington, easily. 

Augustus nodded. 

“ I said as they’d go 1 back early this mornin’, sure.” 

“ Yes ; but you couldn’t send back the clothes with- 
out some of the reporters, who are standing outside 
that door waiting to ?ee you, following the package 


i7« 


HATS OFF! 


up, perhaps. You’ll have to risk a little row with the 
Jew if you are going to stand by the Queen.” 

"All right, sir,” acquiesced Augustus, cheerfully. 
“ I’ll stand by her in fair weather and foul.” 

Pennington received two letters by the morning’s 
mail — one of them from his brother, the Great Penn- 
ington. the other from the city editor. 

“My dear boy: 

“ You’ve seen the morning’s papers before this, of 
course, and know how you’ve scored a beat and 
covered yourself with glory on Park Row. Last 
night they telegraphed me at New Rochelle, after they 
got your note, and I was to cover the Envoy. And 
when I found that my kid brother had forestalled me, 
I wasn’t pleased, I confess. Of course I was duly as- 
tonished to find an Envoy instead of you — an Envoy 
who winked. That was great. I shall shake hands 
with you on that. I don’t deny that I’m quite at sea 
as to how you accomplished what you did. But I 
needn’t warn you that it’s a very risky matter, this 
faking. Take no chances. I’ve fixed things up with 


THE TURKISH MINISTER SALAAMS. 179 

the city editor and told him all he need know. I en- 
close a note from him that will interest you. Good 
luck, old chap. 

“ Yours, 

“ Norman Bridgeworth Pennington.’’ 

“ Dear Mr. Pennington: 

“ The minister from Turkey will call on the Envoy 
Extraordinary this morning. He should also be in- 
duced to call on the Queen. Get a good story — 
2 columns. If there’s any danger of it getting out, 
have your copy in by two for the Evening Courier. I 
shall suggest some nice little sensation for to-morrow. 
But the Turkish Minister is enough for to-day. If 
the truth of this whole affair gets out and the Courier 
gets mixed up in it, I wouldn’t trouble to come around 
for your pay if I were you. 

“ Sincerely, 

“ H. B. Caverley.” 

“ Montey,” said Pennington, soberly, as he tore 
both letters into little pieces, and tossed them into 
the waste-basket, “ it’s a risky game we’re playing. 


l80 HATS OFF! 

High stakes, but deuced risky. But we’ll go ahead, 
old man ? ” 

“ Sure, sir.” 

“And under no circumstances will we give away 
the — Queen ? ” He was about to say Courier , but he 
thought he had better substitute Queen. 

“ No, sir. And I think that’s her knockin’ at the 
door what separates the two soots, sir.” 

It was Sir Roy and Queen Angelica. 

“ I have a key here,” whispered Sir Roy. “ Can we 
come in ? ” 

“ You bet,” whispered back Augustus. 

“ We couldn’t come in by the other door, because 
there are so many people waiting without. They were 
reporters,” remarked Sir Roy, as they entered. 

“ It was a splendid account you wrote,” cried the 
Queen with enthusiasm. “ Not one has dreamed of 
Montmorencey’s identity. How shall I thank you 
both ? ” 

“ And here is the letter from the Minister from 
Turkey, I think.” Sir Roy handed a large official 
envelope to Pennington. 


THE TURKISH MINISTER SALAAMS. l8l 

“ Here you are, Montey,” said Pennington, hand- 
ing it in his turn to Augustus. 

“ Certainly, it is for you,” beamed the Queen. “The 
message is for the Envoy Extraordinary. Open it, 
Sir Knight Montmorencey.” 

“ Oh, no, ma’am,” gasped Higgins. “ I reeley 
couldn’t. I’d sooner you’d take it, please, ma’am.” 

“ Nonsense,” said the Queen, tapping him fondly 
on the cheek. 

Augustus merely unfastened the envelope, and 
handed the enclosure to the Queen. 

“ Yes, it’s very nice, very gratifying,” remarked 
Queen Angelica, a delicate flush of joy mantling her 
cheek. “ His Imperial Majesty, the Sultan of Turkey, 
in the person of his trusted servant, the Minister to 
the United States, will make a call upon you, M. 
Montmorencey, this morning. Do you think it will 
be quite safe ? ” 

The Queen turned anxiously to Pennington. 

“ Perfectly, madame,” replied the reporter con- 
fidently. “ The Courier has arranged all that. And 
after he has paid a fraternal diplomatic call on Mont- 


182 


HATS OFF! 


morencey and me, I shall arrange an interview for 
yourself with him.” 

“You and me ?” asked Augustus. 

“ Yes. I couldn’t trust you alone, Montey. It 
would be safer for me to be present. Besides, he 
might not be satisfied with a mere secretary. A wig 
and a little paint will fix me up nicely.” 

“ And then ? ” queried the Queen. 

“ It will depend, madame, upon what the editor of 
the Courier suggests. If he suggests nothing, I think 
then will be the time for disappearing, as the reporters 
said last night.” 

“ For good, sir ? ” 

Augustus Higgins was slightly disappointed. 

“ No, from New York. To Washington, perhaps. 
I think that if the city editor of the Courier does not 
present too strenuous objections, it would be a good 
thing to go off on a little tour. We would begin with 
Washington. How would you like to make a call on 
the President of the United States, Montey ? ” 


CHAPTER XV. 

where’s THE DRESS-SUIT OF ISAACS ? 

The Minister from Turkey had salaamed thirty-two 
times to Queen Angelica, and had taken an obsequi- 
ous departure from suite 123. 

“ Well, that was ^-mense, simply ?-mense, wasn’t it, 
ma’am ? ” queried Augustus. 

“ If the Vice-Queen could have been present, it 
would have been perfect,” agreed the Queen. 

“ Yes, ’twas too bad you couldn’t give her the 
merry ha-ha, ma’am.” 

“ Because she was not present,” sighed the Queen 
regretfully, “ I cannot deny that my satisfaction is 
less. No one to envy you ! It was too quiet to suit 
my taste.” 

Pennington, scribbling furiously on a pad at a side 
table, looked up, annoyed. 

“ I have told you repeatedly, madame, it wouldn’t 

[183] 


184 hats off! 

have been safe to have had an audience. Don’t you 
know that reporters are dogging our footsteps ? 
that we couldn’t leave this room now without twenty 
of them rushing at us ? ” 

“ Well,” said the Queen, a little sulkily, “ I can’t 
see any fun in having ambassadors call on you if no 
one sees them do it.” 

“ People will know it, madame,” replied Penning- 
ton, coolly, “ when they read their papers to-morrow.” 

“ There’s no use talkin’, ma’am,” remarked Hig- 
gins, pacifically, “ that he’s exalted us to a giddy 
height. If we was to fall ! I feel like old Nap. in the 
picture up at the Metropolitan Museum, where he’s 
standin’ all serene and haughty with his generals, 
lookin’ at his soldiers chargin’ in the battle. But, 
gee-whiz, how the old boy did take a tumble ! If we 
was to, too ! ” 

“We are not going to fall,” said Pennington, 
grimly. “ We are going to climb even higher. If I 
can’t pull off that meeting between you and McKin- 
ley, I shall feel I have lived in vain.” 

Sir Roy entered hurriedly from the room of 


WHERE’S THE DRESS-SUIT OF ISAACS? 185 

the adjoining suite. Pennington confronted him 
anxiously. 

“ Nothing up, I hope ? ” 

“ Nothing much,” answered Sir Roy, with apparent 
unconcern. “ But I want to speak with you a 
minute.” 

The Queen, Sir Roy, and the reporter went into the 
adjoining apartment, leaving Snper No. 5 alone. 

“ It’s the Super Captain,” said Sir Roy, breath- 
lessly. “ He’s come to see about Higgins — about the 
money and the dress-suit.” 

“ You didn’t say he was in here ? ” asked Penning- 
ton. 

“ No. I said I had the impression that no such 
man had been here, but I would consult with the 
Queen.” 

“ What are we going to do ? ” beseeched the 
Queen. “The Super Captain knows that we have 
had no Envoy Extraordinary. And he will tell 
others.” 

“ You mean, madame,” said the reporter slowly, 
“that he only suspects that. He knows nothing of 


HATS OFF! 


i 86 

the sort. It is true that he may be so foolish as to tell 
people that he sent a man to play the part of the 
Envoy Extraordinary. But if he did that, he would 
never rent out any more supers to you. He would be 
betraying professional secrets.” 

“ Then why not tell him that Higgins is inside and 
has been playing the Envoy ? ” asked Sir Roy. 

“ Because we should be admitting everything. We 
admit nothing. Higgins won’t betray us.” 

He pushed open the door and entered the room, 
where Higgins stood awaiting them, not without won- 
der and anxiety. 

“ Montey, old chap,” said Pennington, placing his 
hand on the super’s shoulder, “ the Super Captain’s 
outside. He wants his dress-suit and the money you 
were paid last night.” 

Augustus whistled softly. 

“ Now, Montey, we can give you the money and 
you can take out the dress-suit to him. Then every- 
thing will be all right so far as you are concerned.” 

Sir Roy and Queen Angelica watched Augustus 
Higgins, Super No. 5> anxiously. He kept his eyes 
fixed steadily on Pennington’s face. 


WHERE’S THE DRESS-SUIT OF ISAACS? 187 

“ But/’ continued Pennington, “ if you did that, he 
would know for certain what now he could never 
prove. All he could prove now is that he sent a man 
to play the Envoy. Do you understand ? ” 

“ Well, Pm not catchin’ on too quick/’ replied 
Augustus, anxiously. 

“ He would tell everybody ; perhaps the Vice- 
Queen, my greatest enemy,” interrupted the Queen, 
eagerly. “ Oh, Montmorencey, you wouldn’t have 
him do that. You wouldn’t betray me ? ” 

“ No, ma’am ; I stand by you every time.” 

The reporter slapped him on the back. 

“ Good boy ! I knew you wouldn’t make the 
Courier the laughing stock of Park Row, Montey.” 

“ I don’t give a hoop for the Courier ,” said Augus- 
tus, contemptuously. “ It’s the Queen here I’m 
lookin’ after.” 

“ It is the same thing,” remarked Pennington, 
coolly. “ Then, Sir Roy, I think it would be well to 
say something like this to the Super Captain : That 
Queen Angelica did not need the services of the man 
he sent because the Envoy himself arrived after all; 


i88 


HATS OFF! 


that on dismissing him you paid the man the money 
he demanded; that very likely he has spent that 
money on drink.” 

The Queen looked at Higgins hesitatingly. 

“ Oh, that would mean arrest for M. Montmorencey 
when he was found,” she cried. “ I could never allow 
that. Let the Super Captain at least be paid the 
money that Montmorencey spent last night for cigars 
and things.” 

“ No, ma’am, not by a jugful ! ” declared Higgins 
emphatically. “ If you pay the boss, he’ll think you’re 
tryin’ to hush him up, and you’d be showin’ your 
hand fer fair. Let me take care of myself. I’ll be 
all right. But I thank you, ma’am, for your kindness 
all the samee.” 

“ I oughtn’t to allow it,” said the Queen remorse- 
fully. “You have my deepest gratitude - .” 

“And that’s worth piles,” declared Augustus gal- 
lantly. 

“ Montey,” said the reporter, watching him 
thoughtfully, “you are worthy of a better play than 
the farce you are acting.” 


WHERE’S THE DRESS-SUIT OF ISAACS? 189 

“ Look here, sir, if you are sayin’ anything against 
the Queen here, you’d better shut up,” threatened 
Higgins, belligerently. 

Pennington shrugged his shoulders and lighted a 
cigar. The Queen uneasily buried herself in her 
plush-covered pedigree. Sir Roy told his story to the 
Super Captain, who promptly swore out an arrest for 
Augustus Higgins, for spending money which was 
not his and for not returning the dress-suit. 


CHAPTER XVI. 


TWO MEDDLING VICE-QUEENS. 

There were other forces working for the undoing 
of Queen Angelica and her Envoy Extraordinary, had 
they known it. 

One of the most potent of these forces was the 
Vice-Queen of the Dutch Fraus. The other was the 
Vice-Queen of the Van Winkle Dames. 

Since early dawn the Vice-Queen of the Dutch 
Fraus stood shivering in her wrapper at the window 
for the newsboy who delivers the morning papers at 
Nutley, N. J. And when at last she did read the 
Courier and found no breath of suspicion as to the 
genuineness of her hated rival’s Envoy, but rather praise 
for him and serious consideration, her rage knew no 
bounds. She completely lost her temper. She quar- 
reled with her husband; she slapped her children; 

she dismissed the cook. And she took a solemn vow 
[190] 


TWO MEDDLING VICE-QUEENS. 191 

that she would not move a step to bring about peace 
in her home at Nutley before she had dragged her 
arch-enemy by fair means or foul from her throne, 
and abased her in the dust of ignominy and contempt. 
Then she took train for New York City. 

The Vice-Queen of the Van Winkle Dames was 
descending the gangway of the St. Louis at the very 
moment that the ferry-boat in which the enraged Vice 
of the Dutch Fraus was embarked was moving into 
her slip at Christopher Street. The Vice-Queen of the 
Van Winkle Dames had been the companion of 
Queen Belinda in her European travels. But when 
Queen Belinda had heard of the honor that was to 
be done the rival queen, her indignation knew no 
bounds. She felt sure that Queen Angelica could not 
rightfully claim the honor. She knew that it was 
meant for herself. And to make perfectly sure of 
this, she saw Prince Geoffrey de La Fleur at Paris. 
But although the Prince expresed regret at the unfor- 
tunate mixing up of queens, he absolutely refused to 
interfere. To him all American queens looked alike. 
They were nuisances, and he had long ago regretted 


192 


HATS OFF! 


the enthusiasm he had wasted upon them. But this 
much satisfaction did Queen Belinda gain. She 
learned what she had been morally certain of: the 
Prince had intended to give the decoration to herself 
and not to Queen Angelica. So Queen Belinda de- 
termined upon redress. She promptly dispatched the 
Vice-Queen, with whom she had been enjoying the 
pomp and glitter of European courts, back to 
America, to protest against the conferring of the Order 
upon the rival queen. And although the Vice-Queen 
of the Van Winkle Dames had indeed arrived one day 
too late to prevent the conferring of the Order upon 
Queen Angelica, it was not too late to wrest the Order 
away from her and to bear it back in triumph to her 
exalted head in Europe. 

This intention the Vice-Queen told to such of the 
anxious Van Winkle Dames as had assembled at the 
dock to meet her. 

“ Yes, my Dames,” she said, as they crowded about 
her in the drawing-room on board, “ I have come 
back to see that justice is done to our beloved sove- 
reign. We will beard the thief in her den. We will 


TWO MEDDLING VICE-QUEENS. I93 

not rest till we have secured the Order. The law is 
on our side. I shall consult with my brother, the 
magistrate, to see if she can be arrested for obtaining 
goods under false pretenses unless she immediately 
relinquishes her unholy spoil. My Dames, let us go 
at once to the hotel and demand the Order before it 
is too late. We will squeeze it from her.” 

Then all the Dames entered the carriages they had 
provided, and drove to the Hotel Rotterdam, where 
Queen Angelica, quite without the slightest intima- 
tion of the storm that was to burst upon her head, 
had just dismissed the Turkish Minister with smiles 
of delight. 

The moment that the ferry had reached her slip, 
the enraged Vice of the Dutch Fraus had likewise 
taken a carriage to the hotel, and because she had no 
luggage to be examined by the custom-house offi- 
cers, she had arrived some minutes before the .Vice- 
Queen of the rival society. 

For some minutes she prowled stealthily about the 
corridors and parlors, undecided as to how she should 
accomplish her enemy’s downfall. She first wished to 


HATS OFF! 


I94 

learn further particulars of the mysterious Envoy. 
She must probe and stab until she found the vital 
point. And even while she was prowling about, she 
was accosted by the rival Vice-Queen. 

“ Come with me to the parlor/’ commanded the 
latter. 

“ You are going to ask me about Queen Angelica’s 
Decoration, I suppose,” remarked the Vice-Queen of 
the Dutch Fraus coolly. 

“ Her Decoration ! ” chorused the assembled 
Dames. 

“ Now please don’t lose your tempers,” cooed the 
Vice-Queen of the Dutch Fraus, “ because that will 
be useless. I may as well say at once that I am no 
longer an adherent of Queen Angelica, and I wish I 
were a low Irish woman so that I might pull her 
hair.” 

“ Really ! ” cried the delighted Dames. 

“ I hate that woman as I have never hated any one, 
and I never can forgive her now that she has called 
me a suburbanite, and has taunted rpe with residing 
at N utley, N. J 


TWO MEDDLING VICE-QUEENS. 195 

“ Oh ! ” again gasped the Dames in indignant sym- 
pathy. 

“ So that if you will tell me all you know about the 
Decoration, and if you will listen to me as to what I 
know, we can promptly go to work to plan how we 
can ruin the creature.” 

“ What will your reward be ? ” demanded the Vice- 
Queen of the Dames, skeptically. 

“ To be made second Vice-Queen of your society.” 

“ I think I may grant that,” said the Vice-Queen of 
the Dames, very much relieved that a first viceship 
was not demanded. “ And now tell us all you know 
of the matter.” 

A spirited conference followed. The Vice-Queen of 
the Fraus poured forth her suspicions. The emissary 
of Queen Belinda poured forth all of hers. The 
unanimous belief of all the Dames and of the two 
Vice-Queens was that the Envoy must be seen at all 
hazards. 

“ He holds the key to the situation,” said the Vice- 
Queen of the Dames. “ Bribe him, and we are certain 
of victory. But before we do that, X shall see my 


I96 HATS OFF ! 

brother the magistrate and try to get the woman up- 
stairs arrested.” 

“ Imagine her,” derisively interrupted an estatic 
Dame, “ riding to the police-court in a patrol wagon ! 
It would be delicious ! ” 

“ My Dames, you will await my return patiently 
here in the parlor. I shall return with a warrant for 
her arrest, if possible. And let me caution you not 
to talk too loudly. There may be spies about.” 

With this parting admonition the two Vice-Queens 
took their departure to the police-court to get a war- 
rant for Queen Angelica’s arrest. 

At first the Dames heeded the wise warning. Agog 
with expectation, hysterical with excitement, they dis- 
cussed the situation in little groups. They cried 
“ Hush ! ” when any one giggled. They frowned 
when any one spoke above a whisper. But by and 
bye there was no one to frown at a giggle or to cry 
hush at a loud voice, simply because they were all 
giggling and talking at the top of their voices. So 
that when the two Vice-Queens returned after half 
^n hour’s fruitless quest of fhe warrant, they were 


two MEDDLING VICE-QUEeMS. \g<f 

horrified to hear a babel of voices, and to see half a 
dozen hall-boys listening curiously outside the door. 

The Vice-Queens knew too well the infirmity of the 
sex to waste time in reproaches. Whatever mischief 
had been done had been done. 

“ I have not been able to get a warrant,” said the 
Vice-Queen, acquainting her hearers with the success 
of her mission. “ My brother says that no theft can 
be proved. She may really have been under the im- 
pression that the Order was actually for her. But I 
am not going to tell her that a warrant cannot be 
obtained. I shall pretend that a warrant has been 
obtained and will be served on her unless she at once 
relinquishes the Order that has been unlawfully con- 
ferred upon her. If that fails, I shall write another 
note and promise her that she may escape to Europe 
away from the taunts of New York, on the condition 
that she first gives up the Decoration and signs a 
statement that she was not the lawful recipient. We 
will try the warrant scare first.” 

But the hall-boy came back with it in his hand. 


HATS OFF ! 


198 

“ I’ve banged and banged at the door, ma’am, and 
she won’t answer.” 

“ Then go and bang and bang again ! ” angrily 
commanded the Vice-Queen. “ And if she won’t 
answer the door, slip the note under the door ! ” 


CHAPTER XVII. 


FAREWELL TO THE GLITTER OF ROYALTY. 

Little Higgins saw it first. 

The Queen read it with despair in her eyes. Sir 
Roy laughed at the threat. 

“ I am not much of a lawyer/’ said the loyal Sir 
Roy, “ but she could no more have you arrested than 
she could Montmorencey here.” 

“ Well, that ain’t goin’ to be any trick for the Super 
Captain,” said Higgins, ruefully. 

“ Is there nothing I can do ? ” asked the Queen, 
wringing her hands. 

“ Simply to wait,” replied Pennington, grimly. He 
had to confess that things looked pretty blue. 

And while they were yet discussing the first note, 
another was slipped under the door. 

The Queen read it aloud. 

“ And you won’t give up the Decoration, I sup- 

[i99] 


200 


iiAfs off! 


,/ 

pose ? ” said Pennington. It made very little differ- 
ence to him whether she did or no. If she did, it 
would make a good story. If she did not, something 
equally exciting would probably happen. 

“ I can see nothing else for me to do,” mournfully 
replied the Queen. “ It is impossible for us to escape. 
Montmorencey here must be discovered. And you 
are bound to be seen and recognized by other re- 
porters.” 

“ Yes, I never counted on being held in the room 
in a state of siege,” said Pennington, glumly enough. 

“ It’s all your fault,” said Higgins, turning impu- 
dently to the reporter. “ If you hadn’t got us into 
the danger, the Queen’d been O. K.” 

“ Fault or no fault,” retorted Pennington angrily, 
“ I shall hold you to your agreement. You are not 
to give away the Courier. Remember that. If I had 
chosen, I might have given the whole show away, 
and none of you could have done anything. Don’t 
say it’s my fault. And once more, I won’t have the 
newspaper sacrificed.” 

“ Oh, I didn’t mean no offense. I’ll stand by the 


FAREWELL TO YhE GLITTER OF ROYALTY. 2ol 

Courier all right. But you’ve got to stand by the 
Queen, too.” 

“ Then we’ll all fall together,” said Sir Roy. 

“ If we fall,” said Pennington. “ How in the world 
are they going to make us talk if we don’t want to ? 
They can prove nothing if we keep quiet.” 

“ I don’t deserve such loyal subjects,” said the 
Queen, smiling at them, sadly. “ No, no. Open the 
door and let them come in and take the Decoration. 
Let them see how foolish and vain I have been.” 

Super No. 5 sank on one knee and seized the hand 
of the Queen. 

“ Not on your life, ma’am. I said I’d stand by you 
and I will. We’ll all stand by you and bring you out 
all right.” 

He kissed her hand rapturously. 

“ My Montmorencey ! ” murmured the Queen, 
quite overcome. 

“ Well, that’s all right, Higgins. We have decided 
to stand by the Queen, but how, that’s the question.” 
“ I’ve thought of a way, sir,” said Higgins, timidly. 
“ Well, speak up,” impatiently urged Sir Roy. 
“ There’s no time to lose, you know.” 


202 


HATS OFF! 


“ Well, in this letter of the fake queen, she says, 
ma'am, that there’s a steamer sailing for Europe in 
an hour, and that she’d give you a chance to go on it 
if you’d give her the Order.” 

“ But we’ve decided not to give up the Order, 
stupid,” said Sir Roy. 

“ Why don’t you skip to Europe anyway, ma’am ? ” 
asked Higgins quietly, not taking any notice of Sir 
Roy. 

“ How can we, Montey ? We’ve got to go through 
a door to get out, I suppose. One glimpse of me or 
of you will give away the game. And they’ll get out 
an injunction very likely forbidding the Queen to take 
the Decoration with her abroad.” 

“ I’ve thought of that, sir, of course,” answered 
Higgins confidently. “ On no account must we open 
that there door.” 

“ Then how are we going ? Fly ? ” sneered Sir 
Roy. 

“ Have you noticed the fire-escape, ma’am ? ” asked 
Augustus mildly. 

“ The fire-escape ! ” echoed Pennington, a sudden 
light dawning on him. 


FAREWELL TO THE GLITTER OF ROYALTY. 203 

“ You remember, sir, that that’s how the man 
dumb up to let me in here. And what you can dumb 
up by you can dumb down by. Have you noticed 
it, sir ? You see no one can see you if you go down 
by it because of the angle of the wall there.” 

The Queen, Sir Roy, and Pennington were staring 
out of the window at the escape Higgins was pointing 
out to them. 

“ But I never could go down seven stories by a 
fire-escape,” said Queen Angelica, aghast. “ And in 
the day-time, too.” 

“ You would only have to dumb to the next story, 
ma’am, and get in by a window there. The window’s 
at the far end of a long hall, sir, and it wouldn’t be 
no great stunt to get off without any one catchin’ on.” 

“ It’s magnificent ! ” agreed Pennington, admir- 
ingly. “ But the trunks ? Queen Angelica couldn’t 
leave them here.” 

“ Well, I was figgerin’ it out this way,” continued 
Augustus, earnestly, and blushing to find himself lis- 
tened to so attentively. “ I was figgerin’ it out that 
maybe you and the Queen ought to go first. She 


&ATS OFF ! 


264 

can put on a veil and things so no one’s goin* to Catch 
on to her. And you and the Queen would skip out 
and take a cab and hurry up to the dock.” 

“ And leave me here ? ” asked Sir Roy, dolefully. 

“ But they must never find you about the hotel, 
Montey. They would guess the part you have been 
playing in this little comedy. Circumstantial evidence 
would be strongly against you.” 

“ Cert. When you’ve got off, then I skip too.” 

“ Where ? ” asked the Queen, anxiously. 

“ Well, ma’am, I can’t exactly say. But if that 
Super Captain has a warrant out for me, I guess I’ll 
be pinched all right, all right. I’d take good care I 
wasn’t pinched round the hotel, though. But if I was, 
I’d let on I was a sneak-thief or somethin’.” 

“ No, no,” cried Queen Angelica, “ I can never al- 
low this. Never ! ” 

“ Why, ma’am, you don’t suppose I’m goin’ to get 
pinched a purpose, do you ? Not on your life, I ain’t ; 
I’m only tellin’ you what may come. And even if they 
was to, I should say I’d been on a spree. I’ve never 
been took up for anythin’ before, and they’d let me 


FAREWELL TO THE GLITTER OF ROYALTY. 20$ 

off easy. And I’ve got the stuff to pay back the Cap, 
and I’ll wear the dress-soot. What more’d they 
want ? ” 

“I’ll stand by you, Montey, if it conies to that,” 
promised Pennington. 

“ But what’s to become of me ? ” asked Sir Roy 
again. 

u Why, sir,” answered Higgins with some disdain, 
“ I thought as you would stay and open the door, fif- 
teen minutes after we’d gone. You see no one’s got 
anythin’ against you. You ain’t a queen. There ain’t 
any warrant for you. You ain’t a reporter who’s been 
playin’ a fake Envoy.” 

“ Exactly,” cried Pennington. “ In fifteen minutes 
after we have escaped I’ll send an expressman to get 
the trunks. He’ll bang on the door to beat the band. 
You’ll open it, yawning and stretching your arms. 
The Queen ? The Envoys ? They left two or three 
hours ago. You hava over-slept and are afraid you 
will miss your train. You will drive down to the 
docks and join the Queen.” 

“ I’m only afraid for you, Montmorencey,” said the 
Queen, looking at him with troubled eyes, 


206 


HATS OFF ! 


“ Don’t you worry about me, ma’am,” said Super No. 
5, cheerfully. “ I’m all right. I can get off, I guess. 
But if I’m pinched round this hotel, the jig’s up. Be- 
cause you said I hadn’t been the Envoy.” 

“ Then, very well,” acquiesced the Queen, yielding 
rather to his earnestness than to his logic, “ the sooner 
we go, the better.” 

“ Now you’re talkin’ ma’am,” cried Higgins, over- 
joyed. 

Sir Roy and the reporter planned precisely what the 
former should say and how he should act when he 
opened the door after the others’ escape. Queen 
Angelica picked up the few trinkets lying about. 

“ And don’t forget the Decoration, ma’am,” cau- 
tioned Augustus, anxiously, as he went into the next 
apartment to put on once more the dress-suit hired 
from Mr. Isaacs, on Third Avenue. 

“ Are we all ready ? ” asked the reporter, at length. 

“ All serene,” said Augustus. 

“ Shall we see you at the steamer ? ” asked the 
Queen. 

Super No. 5 shook his head, 


FAREWELL TO THE GLITTER TO ROYALTY. 207 

“ It wouldn’t be safe, ma’am. It might give you 
away.” 

“ Then, good-bye. I shall be grateful to you as 
long as I live. You have saved me a humiliation.” 

“ And I, ma’am, shan’t forget how you and me have 
played queens and envoys together. It’s been a great 
function — ^-mense, simply ^-mense ! Good-bye, 
ma’am. Hold on tight, and don’t look down or 
you’ll get giddy.” 

Queen Angelica stepped out on the fire-escape, Sir 
Roy arranging her skirts. 

“ By gad,” thought Sir Roy, “ the little brute 
couldn’t take the thing more seriously if it were 
tragedy.” 

“ They’re all right,” whispered Augustus, after a 
few minutes had gone. 

“ That’s good,” said Sir Roy, lighting a cigar. 

They sat there a few minutes in silence, Sir Roy 
smoking leisurely, Augustus biting his nails nervously 
and pulling down his cuffs. 

“ I’d best be goin’, sir,” he said respectfully. 
f£ Very well, Higgins,” 


208 


HATS OFF! 


Augustus held out his hand. But when Sir Roy 
did not take any notice of it, he withdrew it quickly, 
and briskly stepped out on the fire-escape. 

“ Ta-ta,” he said, waving his hand. 

Sir Roy lazily turned his head and watched him 
bobbing down. Then he cast a look at the clock and 
murmured sleepily: 


“ Queer little brute, that.” 


CHAPTER XVIII. 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 

After Augustus had disappeared down the fire- 
escape, Sir Roy put on his overcoat and gloves, to be 
ready when the man should come after the trunks. 

Almost promptly on the fifteen minutes agreed 
upon there were four sharp raps. Sir Roy cast a 
glance about the room, fastened the window by which 
the three had made their escape, turned the key, and 
threw open the door. 

Instantly a score of people were craning their necks 
to get a glimpse within. A howl of disappointed 
“ Ohs ! ” arose from the Van Winkle Dames, the re- 
porters, and the two Vice-Queens when they saw that 
their game had fled. 

Sir Roy ignored them all. 

“You have come for the trunks ? ” he asked the 
porter. “ There they are ” 


210 


HATS OFF! 


Then he edged his way towards the elevator. 

“ But, sir,” cried one of the baffled reporters, 
“ where is the Envoy ? ” 

“ You mean the Envoys — there were two of them, 
you know.” 

“ Well, the Envoys, sir ? ” 

“ Oh, they left the hotel some time since,” cheer- 
fully replied Sir Roy. “ The Envoy-in-chief and his 
secretary, who was the Deputy Envoy last night, were 
talking of going to Washington, I believe. But they 
were undecided whether they would go to Washing- 
ton to see the President, or whether they would take 
a look at Niagara Falls. At least they hadn’t made 
up their minds when they left, shortly after the inter- 
view with the Turkish Minister.” 

“ Interview with the Turkish Minister ! ” repeated 
the reporters, staring at one another. 

“ You need not worry, gentlemen,” replied Sir Roy, 
suavely. “ A representative of the press was present.” 

“ But it is impossible that they could have left ! ” 
shrieked the Vice-Queen of the Dutch Fraus. “ How 
could they have left without any of the reporters 
knowing it ? They were watching- downstairs,” 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 


2 1 1 


“ Really, madame,” answered Sir Roy coldly, “ you 
are welcome to look under the bedstead, if you wish. 
And the clothes-press is open for your inspection.” 

“ But by what way could they have gone ? ” de- 
manded the sulky Vice-Queen. 

“ By what way ? ” repeated Sir Roy, shrugging his 
shoulders. “ Do you think that is a sensible ques- 
tion ? I suppose they could hardly have flown, nor,” 
added he with good-natured ridicule, “ could they 
have gone down by the fire-escape. But before she 
left the hotel, Queen Angelica expressed her regret 
at having to leave without bidding good-bye to you, 
her devoted and trusted friend.” 

Then the two Vice-Queens turned away in confu- 
sion. And the Vice-Queens, the reporters, and the 
Van Winkle Dames went down the corridor, exceed- 
ingly sorrowful. Sir Roy left the hotel in triumph. 

To put the reporters crowding after him completely 
off the scent, he shouted, “ Grand Central Station ” in 
a loud voice. But when the hansom had gone a few 
blocks he thrust his walking-stick against the trap 
and said softly, “ American Line, foot of Fulton,” 


212 


HATS OFF! 


And twenty minutes before the ship sailed, Sir Roy, 
who had been looking after the luggage, knocked at 
Queen Angelica’s state-room. 

“ Angelica, my love,” exclaimed the devoted Sir 
Roy, “ I have just met a dear friend to whom I should 
like to introduce you — the Rev. Horatio Simkins.” 

Queen Angelica blushed. 

“ Oh, Roy ! ” 

“Yes, my love, he is outside with two witnesses. 
This state-room is a little small for the ceremony, but 
it will be quite as legal as if performed in a church.” 

And so they were married, the witnesses seated 
around on the lower berth. 

“ It would have been nice if the reporter and 
Montmorencey could have been present, wouldn’t it, 
Roy ? ” she asked, as the ship went down the bay. 

“ No,” replied Sir Roy, decisively. “ Angelica, my 
love, I have been a devoted lover. I am sure you will 
grant that. I have never hesitated to bow to you as 
Queen Angelica. But as Mrs. Roy Poplar, love, I 
must ask you now ” 

“ To bow to you ? ” cried the ex-Queen, excitedly, 
{i Never, Roy \ ” 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 213 

“ No, my love, certainly not,” replied Sir Roy in 
extreme confusion. “ But a little compromise, love, 
a little ” 

“ I shall live my own life, Roy,” declared Mrs. 
Poplar. 

“ Yes, my love,” said Mr. Poplar, meekly. 

And little Higgins ? 

He had made his escape beautifully. Fearfully and 
cautiously, he had entered the window of the room 
below. He had fastened the window to disarm any 
suspicion as to the means of his escape. He had 
avoided the elevator, and had descended to the 
ground floor by the staircase. Alertly, doggedly, he 
had elbowed his way to the nearest door. Then he 
found himself on the Thirty-fourth Street entrance, 
free and happy. 

But as he scurried briskly along to Sixth Avenue, 
his coat buttoned up to his chin, his eyes fixed medi- 
tatively on the pavement, thinking of the glorious part 
he had just played, a sharp tap on his shoulder startled 
him, and a sharp, business-like voice whispered in his 
ear, “ I want you.” 


214 


HATS OFF! 


Augustus looked up. He had expected to see a 
policeman. It was a man in plain clothes who ac- 
costed him. So he drew himself up to his height of 
five feet seven inches and said impudently: 

“ Aw, what yer givin’ us ? ” 

“ Oh, it’s all right. You are the man. Come along 
in here quiet, and don’t make a fuss.” 

Augustus followed the stranger into a saloon, not 
because he was exactly pining for a drink at that mo- 
ment, but because his arm was clutched in a very firm 
manner. 

“ Got a telephone ? ” asked the man, still holding 
Augustus by the arm. 

The barkeeper pointed to a booth. 

When connections were made, all the words said 
were : “ I’ve got him. He’s in Mike Foley’s place. 
We’ll wait for you.” 

“ Oh, so you are a detective, are you ? I s’pose 
it’s the Super Captain who’s after me, ain’t it ? ” 

“ That’s who it is. I s’pose you’ve had a good 
time ? Still got on your full dress-suit, I see.” 

“ Bully,” agreed Augustus. “ How d’you happen 
to nab me ? ” 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 21 $ 

“ I seen your picture. The Super Captain showed 
it me. It’s where you’re suping in ‘ Held at Bay/ 
You’re in full dress-suit there, and I recognized you 
right off. And I knew you’d be pretty sure to make 
for Sixth Avenue when you come out/’ 

“ Out of where ? ” asked Augustus, uneasily. 

The detective pointed to the Hotel Rotterdam. 

Augustus laughed derisively. 

“ What’d I be doin’ there ? ” 

Just then the Super Captain came in, rubbing his 
hands delightedly. 

“ Hello, Gus ! ” he cried genially, waving the de- 
tective to stand aside. 

“ Hello, Cap,” replied Augustus, 

“ Had a good time ? ” asked the Super Captain, 
admiringly. 

“ Oh, so-so,” answered Augustus. 

The Super Captain leaned forward and said : 

“Now, Gus, old man, it’s no use beatin’ round the 
bush. We’re two old friends. Tell me all about it.” 

“ Well, Cap,” replied Super No. 5 slowly, “ there 
ain’t much to tell. When you’re jagged, you know. 


21 6 


hats Off! 


you don’t have much of a recollection the next 
morning and I was pretty tight.” 

“ Now, Gus, that’s a good bluff. But you didn’t 
have a jag so as not to know what you done.” 

“ Maybe you don’t get that way, Cap, but I do,” 
persisted Higgins. 

“ Rats ! ” cried the Super Captain. “ You know 
as well as I have, that you’ve been raisin’ high-jinks. 
The Courier's full of it this mornin’. I know it, and 
you know it. So what’s the good of gettin’ a swelled 
head and too high and mighty to tell me, an old pal.” 

Augustus scratched his ear perplexedly and looked 
at the Super Captain open-mouthed. 

“ Cap, I ain’t a notion what you’re drivin’ at. Of 
course you and me are good pals. You’ve always 
done the square thing by me and I would by you. 
But you’re off your base if you think it’s me who’s 
been cuttin’ up any high jinks up to the hotel there. 
Why when I come up last night, after you seen me 
off in the hansom, I found the Envoy had come after 
all. He and his secretary had both come, that’s what 
they told me, though of course I ain’t seen ’em my- 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 21 7 

self. Then I kicked about the money, and the Queen’s 
feller, he paid me, thirty-five dollars, and I come 
away and got full on your dough. That’s all.” 

Augustus looked his employer steadily in the eye. 
Mr. Jones returned the gaze with interest. 

“ That’s too thin by half ! Why, you’re sober as a 
judge ! ” 

“ I can carry a good deal of liquor, Cap. You 
ought to have seen me about three this mornin’ tod- 
dlin’ in to a Raines Law hotel. Jag ? Gee witicher ! ” 
“ You’re an idiot, Gus ! ” cried the Super Captain, 
losing his temper, “ if you expect I’m goin’ to swallow 
that! Look a-here, you own up to touchin’ me on 
that thirty-five, don’t you ? ” 

“ Sure,” replied Higgins, cheerfully. “ But I’ll pay 
you back next week. I’ve got some dough cornin’ 
to me next week. On the level.” 

“ And I’ll tell you this on the level : If you tell me 
all you done up at the Rotterdam there as Envoy, 
I’ll let you off. And I don’t mind lettin’ you know, 
Gus, that you’ll be doin’ a big favor to me. I’ve got 
a graft if you don’t go back on me. The Vice-Queen 


2 1 8 


HATS OFF! 


of the Dames will pay handsome if I can prove that 
you were the Envoy. You see she’s dead sore on 
Queen Angelica. Now, look here. If you’ll let me 
in on what you done last night, and if you’ll blab it 
to the Vice-Queen of the Dames, I’ll divvy up what 
I make out of her. On the level. But if you stick 
to that rot about gettin’ full, I’ll have you pinched, 
sure. That’s on the level, too.” 

Augustus yawned. 

“ Cap,” he said, blinking his eyes sleepily, “ it’s no 
good jawin’ about that. What’s took place up at the 
Rotterdam don’t worry me a darn. I ain’t seen 
nothin’ up there. I don’t know nothin’ what's been 
goin’ on up there. I ain’t heard nothin’.” 

“ You’re a chump !” said the Super Captain, sav- 
agely. “ Take him along, officer. “ He’ll tell another 
tale when he’s spent a night in the cooler.” 

But Augustus Higgins, late Envoy Extraordinary, 
did not tell another tale. He doggedly refused to say 
more than that he had been on a spree. Asked where 
he had been drinking, he replied that he did not re- 
member. Asked with whom he had been drinking. 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 2ig 

he replied lie did not remember. In fact, a Tammany 
boss before an investigating committee from Albany 
could not be more reticent. 

The Super Captain had sold his suspicions to the 
two Vice-Queens for a goodly price. The Vice-Queen 
of the Van Winkle Dames arranged to have Augustus 
Higgins examined by her brother the magistrate. 
But not the threats of the sergeant, the cross-ques- 
tions of the magistrate, the cajolings of the two Vice- 
Queens, the entreaties of the Super Captain could 
make Augustus swerve one syllable from his reply. 
He had been drunk. Where ? He did not remem- 
ber. That was all he had to say, absolutely. 

“ It’s a dead easy snap,” he said to himself after a 
siege in the court-room. “All I’ve got to do is to 
keep glum. And not elephants nor camels are goin' 
to pull out of me what I been doin’. I stand by the 
Queen. But I wish that reporter feller would come 
along now. He said he’d stand by me if I didn’t give 
away his paper. And I ain’t goin’ to do that ’cause 
if I did I’d give away the Queen.” 

But young Pennington had had troubles of his own. 


220 


HATS OFF! 


He had returned to the Courier Building after he 
had seen Queen Angelica in a cab, with a story of the 
great Turkish Minister Interview in his pocket. He 
had entered the office with a beating heart. He had 
expected the city editor to fall on his neck and to weep 
tears of sheer gratitude. He had expected to be 
smacked on the back by his fellow reporters. 

But the city editor had merely glanced at his copy 
and thrown it carelessly aside. Then he had turned 
on him and said sharply: 

“ That stuff’s all very well.” He poked Penning- 
ton’s story with his pencil. “ But you know that 
there’s a much better story behind that, and you are 
the man to tell it.” 

“ Really, sir ” stammered Pennington. 

“ You can tell it,” repeated the city editor, looking 
at the young reporter narrowly. “ Who was that 
Envoy Extraordinary ? You know. Go to your desk 
and give me a column and a half. Make an expose 
of it, something bright and humorous. Show the 
wires behind the throne, Mr. Pennington.” 

“ But Mr. Caverley,” stammered Pennington once 
more, “ I— I ” 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 


221 


* You won’t have any too much time to spare/’ 
replied the editor coolly, “ because I want to send you 
out on the Roberts Murder Case.” 

Pennington went back to his desk miserably 
enough. He knew that the Roberts Murder Case was 
just a sop. For a few minutes he had a great mind 
to nibble at the bait. Why shouldn’t he throw his 
scruples to the wind ? The Queen had escaped safely. 
Ten to one the facts were bound to come out. The 
chances were that Higgins would tell. 

But Pennington knew that Higgins would not tell. 
It was quite useless for him to attempt to persuade 
himself of that. Higgins would not tell because he 
had promised not to. Well, he wouldn’t either. He 
couldn’t very well be less of a man of honor than a 
vulgar little beast of a super. So he flung down his 
pad and pencil on the desk, thrust his hands deep into 
his trousers’ pockets, and trembling with apprehen- 
sion, stalked bravely up to the city editor’s desk. 

“ Well, well ? ” cried that functionary. “ Why don’t 
you get on with that story ? ” 

“ There isn’t any story to tell, sir,” replied Pennine- 
top quietly, 


222 


HATS OFF! 


“No story to tell ? ” 

“ Not so far as I am concerned, sir.” 

“ What do you mean so far as you are concerned ? ” 
demanded the amazed editor. 

“ I — I mean as a gentleman,” answered Penning- 
ton, shamefacedly. 

“ A what ? ” thundered the city editor. 

“ I said a gentleman, sir,” replied Pennington, look- 
ing his chief between the eyes. 

The city editor held his scissors in mid-air and 
stared. He snipped them together while he stared at 
the cub reporter three seconds, then stirred up the 
story that Pennington had brought him, and said 
meekly : 

“ Well, maybe you’d better work on that. Make 
a column of it.” 

Pennington went back to his desk the happiest man 
on Park Row. And when he had worked over his 
story and brought it back, the editor actually grinned 
and said, “ That’s all right. Now I want you to go 
out with Williams and Carson on that Roberts Case.” 

And the cub had gone off with the two old report- 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 223 

ers in a delirium of ecstasy. He had forgotten all 
about Augustus Higgins, his late colleague. So little 
Higgins would have fared badly enough if he had 
pinned his faith on the good intentions of the re- 
porter. 

But just when everything seemed to be going 
against him, — when the magistrate was actually 
threatening to commit him for contempt of court be- 
cause he refused to answer certain questions, — when 
in vain his eyes swept the court-room for one friendly 
face — when he felt very lonely and deserted, he was 
unexpectedly set at liberty. The Super Captain with- 
drew the charges. 

The latter had been induced to do this at the earnest 
request of the Vice-Queen of the Van Winkle Dames. 
The devotion of Super No. 5 touched her. She had 
her suspicions, indeed, that the Envoy affair was a 
very crooked business. But, as she said to the second 
Vice-Queen, one can never tell when one might want 
to hire a lord chancellor or even an envoy oneself, 
And it was always a problem where to find trust- 
worthy supernumeraries to play the delicate parts. And 


224 


HATS OFF! 


Augustus they might hire with no question of his 
faithfulness. So the Vice-Queen used her influence 
with the magistrate and the employer of Augustus, 
and he was set at liberty. 

“ You don’t bear a grudge against me, Gus? ” asked 
the Super Captain, taking his arm. 

“ Not a bit, Cap,” answered Augustus, cheerfully. 
“ You’re doin’ the square thing not pressin’ them 
charges.” 

“And I s’pose you won’t never tell me what you 
done last night ? ” 

“ I told you already,” replied Augustus, shutting 
his mouth very tight. 

“ All right, Gus. Will you be back supin’ to- 
night at the Frivolity ? ” 

“ If you’ll have me, Cap. I’ll swear off.” 

“ All right,” said the Super Captain, winking his 
left eye expressively. 

But Augustus did not wink back in return. He 
simply looked very, very bored. 

Queen Angelica is now gratifying her passion for 
playing the roles of royalty in one of the upper Broad- 


HIGGINS STANDS BY THE QUEEN. 225 

way theaters. She is Portia in the “ Merchant of 
Venice/’ and Super No. 17 is Augustus Higgins. 

Every night during the casket scene he comes on 
the stage as the Prince of Morocco’s attendant. His 
face is blackened ; he wears oriental trappings ; a tur- 
ban is on his head ; his folded arms are held on a level 
with his eyes. He has never made his identity known 
to her. He worships her from afar. But sometimes 
he wonders whether she does not see any similarity 
between the attendant of the Prince of Morocco and 
her late Envoy Extraordinary. 


THE END. 


j].t L 15 1899 


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